Love, what is it, is it real, does it matter?

[LoginName]

I just posted the below on my other thread, but thought it may belong here more.
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Here is something that has kind of surprised me. Now that my W "loves" me,and tells me she wants to be with me,I'm a little confused.

This morning, I'm imagining what it would be like to have the W in the house, to have her back, and I'm thinking "I'm more comfortable now without her. This is nice. Why do I want her here? Will it be like it was - which wasn't that great? Why do any two people want to be together? We've had kids, so we've procreated. What other purpose is there?"

Our MC talked a little about true intimacy, and how we can work toward that. Not really understanding what that means, it's hard for me to say I want it. Did my W and I have it at one time, and lose it? See my other post this morning about choice. Can I chose intimacy if I don't know what it is or if it's even possible?

This is my philosophical side. I've learned to trust my instincts more. My instincts say to enjoy the ride and let it grow naturally, not try to control it. That's what I'll do. But, the doubt is there. What if M is just a comfortable couple living together, who may occasionally ML? Is that all there is? If not, what is the alternative like? Can someone describe it?

[Heartbroken]

LN,

Again your posts today are amazing - they help me so so much!!!

About your confusion - welcome to the club!!! I like to think my H and I had true intimacy at one time and not THAT long ago - I think things started breaking down for him after our March 2005 trip to Vegas. I think he started detaching somewhat then and it progressively got worse as he got closer to my friend OW...but I knew none of this until August 2006. So we have not been on the same page for some time...

I often question my sanity - why I continue trying so hard - and for me it comes down to our family unit. I had children to be a part of the 'team' with H and I. H always treated me like a partner up until this crisis and I keep trying so we can once again be partners and the family team. I know I do not need him, I WANT HIM, but I feel my kids NEED both of us. I could D and find another mate and not make the same mistakes but what about the new mate - he too will have his own issues & baggage - at least with my H I know the good with the bad.

So I plug along though I have doubts DAILY. I try to remain positive especially around H - but even then I still backslide once a week (hey it's better than daily like it used to be). I am learning to have faith and trust in it will turn out how it is suppossed to for both H and myself...Baby Steps!

You keep posting - I get so much from them!!!

Thanks!

HB

[limbo]

LN & HB

HB, you will get more insight into intimacy in a few weeks with the post sessions.

The one thing they say at retro is people confuse intimacy with sex, and think they are the same, but there not.
intimacy I think maybe different for us all, but I do believe if we had true intimacy in our marriages we wouldn't be here.
I can't give you a true description of what it is, but I feel that its a bond that only committed partners can share, and enjoy.
I think we have all had levels of it during our marriages, but need to build it to its true potential...sorry I seem to be rambling!

[DaveJ]

LN,
I often question my sanity - why I continue trying so hard - and for me it comes down to our family unit. I had children to be a part of the 'team' with H and I. H always treated me like a partner up until this crisis and I keep trying so we can once again be partners and the family team. I know I do not need him, I WANT HIM, but I feel my kids NEED both of us. I could D and find another mate and not make the same mistakes but what about the new mate - he too will have his own issues & baggage - at least with my H I know the good with the bad.

Ask and thou shall receive. This is so weird. I was just asking myself the same thing a minute ago. Why the heck I'm trying so hard and if it's worth it... thanks for answering my question.

[cat03]

It is hard to describe intimacy, but for me..

I love the sound of the door when I know it is my H...
(when we ML) The feeling that came over me as my H reached for me at night, that I was his and that he was mine...
I could talk to him about anything (even if we didnt agree)...
that he knew me as no one ever did or will...

Well, we don't have a connection right now, mostly, he is unable for the moment to form a connection, but my answer I guess is that all those little things I've mentioned bonds us together. I never saw procreation as the goal of my M.