And so it begins...

[LostInMN]

My moving back would be just as impulsive, wouldn't it? I'd really love to be having this discussion yesterday, before I had said goodbye to my daughter, I don't know that I can go back to her and say I was not really leaving, even though all my clothes, dishes, pictures, etc are all out of the house. It LOOKS like someone moved.

[Dom R]

My wife has made it abundantly clear that living separately is in my immediate future.

meaning, what, exactly?
She may want you to move out right now. but that doesnt mean that you should.

I know what my wife needs right now to keep me from being pushed further away. I have to give some here and there.

Not ONE PERSON HERE who has decided to separate recently, has had any good from it.
NOT ONE, over the last [3 months?]

loong term, people have reconciled after separation. But it's more "in spite of the separation", not because of it.

If you think that being separated is "Good for your marriage", the numbers here say otherwise.
If you separate, you may well be out of the house for 6 months or longer.

If your wife chooses to move out herself, there's nothing you can do about that, certainly.
But you moving out because she's pissed, is backwards. it makes recovery harder.

[Dom R]

My moving back would be just as impulsive, wouldn't it? I'd really love to be having this discussion yesterday, before I had said goodbye to my daughter, I don't know that I can go back to her and say I was not really leaving, even though all my clothes, dishes, pictures, etc are all out of the house. It LOOKS like someone moved.

Yes, you moved out. i'm not saying to deny that.

It's a matter of whether you can swallow your pride, and say,

I made a mistake. I screwed up. I'm sorry. I should never have moved out and away from my family. I mean to fix that mistake now

( and i wont make the same mistake again )

[LostInMN]

Going back is only going to make her more pissed. No, I don't believe it's best for my marriage, but then again, my wife says there is no hope for our marriage anyway. Do me a favor.. I believe you're right, but it's not you I have to go home to!! Convince my wife that it's the right thing to do and you got a deal!!!
I can't remember everything she said in our short conversation, but it did leave me feeling that she was right.

[LostInMN]

I said exactly that, that I wanted to correct the mistake before it grew any larger. I've made a lot of bad decisions in the last 6 weeks, this was just another in the string.

[Dom R]

Lost:

your wife is in "leaving" mode.
That probably means, that like many other spouses, she's probably going to FIGHT you, if you attempt to do things to make your marriage better.

You need to do them anyway, if it is truely the right thing to do.

If you're looking for her approval for doing good things, before you do them... you're not going to get it from her.
She's "done". she's not going to help you.
If you said, "look, i found a book that will guarantee our marriage is fixed, if only I read it! should I read it?"
she would probably say "NO".


You need to figure out the good things, and do them anyway.

Leaving your family, seems to be a commonly held "bad thing", and staying with your family, seems to be fairly universally a "good thing".

[LostInMN]

She feels that there is something underlying in my psyche that makes me act impulsively, that I reach for the immediate satisfaction, that it's always about me first, make sure what I want is what happens first then worry about the fallout on others. I didn't think about the fallout when I decided to surprise her by moving out, nor when I snooped into her cell phone, nor when I tried to get a trace on a cell phone number, nor when I did so many actions that led up to this whole mess a month ago. She feels it would just be more of the same not caring about their feelings if I were to move back in. I know, good thing/bad thing, but I know she'll just be even more pissed if I try and go back again. I did the whole "no wrong time to do the right thing" story, that daughter won't be as effected by dad coming back as she will be by his being gone, she wanted to hear none of it.

[Dom R]

I did the whole "no wrong time to do the right thing" story, that daughter won't be as effected by dad coming back as she will be by his being gone, she wanted to hear none of it.

that doesnt matter. Do the right thing.

Do me a favor.. I believe you're right, but it's not you I have to go home to!! Convince my wife that it's the right thing to do and you got a deal!!!

You dont have to convince her. you just need to DO the right thing!

besides, as I mentioned... your wife doesnt care what the 'RIGHT THING' for your marriage is! It's pointless even attempting to convince her or argue about it!

Yes, she will be angry if you do the right thing for your marriage! Because she's trying to break it up!

I need to get some sleep

I'll try to leave you with this.

Dont be impulsive any more.
Do the right thing, instead of what you have been doing.

Dont do what she says she wants right now.
Do the right thing.

The right thing by your marriage, not "the thing that will make my wife calm down right now".
It's the tough choice, but the right choice.

Go home. apologise for being stupid and deciding to move out.
She may yell and scream at you. Just shut your mouth, and quietly be there, and do good things.

The number one thing you said was important for your daughter, was for you two to stop fighting. SO: stop fighting!

Dont argue with your wife any more.

Just be there. Without arguing.

Commit to yourself, to not arguing with her about anything, for 2 weeks. [and staying out of her way while in the house, as much as possible]

That doesnt mean AGREEING with everything. Just dont argue about it either. shut your mouth, and just be there. Say "I'm sorry" if you have to say something.
Make things as nice as you can for your daughter and wife.
Make sure your daughter has her own bed to sleep on, so that she has nothing to complain about.



GO back there for 2 weeks.
See whether your wife has calmed down after 2 weeks.

things cant get any worse for you, really, than where they are now: separated, headed for divorce, and only seeing your daughter once every two weeks, or whatever it was you said.

You moving out, tells your wife by your actions, "i agree that you should divorce me".

You moving back, says, "i want to keep working on our marriage".

Do the right thing.

good night.

[LostInMN]

Thanks Dom. Night.

[LostInMN]

After not sleeping on it for the last 5 hours on a small, lumpy couch I have a new question/comment. You recommend me to "Not be impulsive any more." I don't know how to do that. I have been that way for as long as I can remember, some times it goes a long time without showing it's ugly head, others it's already screaming at me before I even realize it's there. How do I not do something I've always done, even though unintentionally? Do I need to get into a treatment program or a counselor? I am fairly sure I can't overcome this by myself, but I don't know where to start to look for help. Ideas?

Also, considering the state the marriage is currently in, I suppose it would be a bad idea to ask my wife for support and/or assistance in trying to deal with both the addiction and other mental issues? She's always been my best friend, the person I can count on to help me through the rough times, and now I don't know who to look to for support.