Plank removed from eye, too late for WAW? 8

[Heimlich]

My last thread

Egads, numero 8. The previous installmenet in the saga is at the above link.

Back from Louisiana (Sulphur to be exact) to visit with my Mawmaw. She ended up passing at 10:30 Wed morning. Very glad I went down there and got to visit with her through Tuesday and be with her at the end. She really was a remarkable lady and I'll miss her. We should all be as lucky when we go. She was talking/visiting with folks Wed morning until she ran everyone out of her room around 8 so that she could rest. She was ready to go.

Her passing brought up a variety of unexpected emotions within me that I'm still trying to sort through. In brief, I just don't have the energy to type a lot at the moment:
1. My W and I batted around the idea of moving closer to be with our family. I've always been against that. Regretting/rethinking that stance now. A little awkward, I think that I'd be willing to move down together, but not separately -- like that makes logical sense.
2. While I'm still prepared to move on with my life (and continue to live/make decisions based on that assumption), I really would like to reconcile with my W.
3. I'd really like to ask my W out on a date/for lunch and have a conversation with her about why she doesn't want to try/what her fears are. I've never gotten a clear understanding of why she's not interested.
4. On Thursday, my W called and wanted to send flowers. I gave her the details and then she asked me what I wanted on the card. I was a little taken aback, so I just said that the card was from you and the girls and I didn't know what to put on it - it's from you. She seemed to get a little snippy/put off by that and hung up soon after. Part of me wants to tell her that I wasn't trying to be a pain in the buttocks, but that we aren't together and that having flowers from 'us' made me uncomfortable. Of course, if she wants to change that situation, I'm open -- I'd leave off that last bit, of course. Don't know if it's worth bringing up or just letting it drop.
5. I did tell her last Wed, "I love you". After all of this shyte we've been through, it was something I needed to say after watching someone I loved just die. She just said "I know you do."


That's about it. We did have an email exchange week before last that I may post so that we can parse some of the language.

Hug your loved ones today,

BD

[oldtimer]

((((((Heim))))))

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma. Glad you got to be with her and that it was reasonably peaceful for her.

As for your sitch, I don't really think any parsing is necessary to see where W is. No need to drive yourself crazy. This says it all:

"5. I did tell her last Wed, "I love you". After all of this shyte we've been through, it was something I needed to say after watching someone I loved just die. She just said "I know you do."

There is no R to have an R-talk about right now. Really. Just leave her be. I understand your need to tell her that you love her. But leave it at that. She knows. She knows what you want. If she wants to share anything or work on anything with you, she knows that you will be receptive. There is no point in crowding her with R talk that will lead nowhere except her moving farther away and taking a firmer stand in her own mind (where it counts) against any thoughts of reconcilliation.

Respect her wishes. She does not want to be in an M with you or work on an R with you right now. THAT is all you need to know. The backstory is irrelevant unless she wants to go back to the M.

You don't need to explain the flowers thing to W. W was prickly because she was confronted with results of her choices. That's ok.

Put your focus back on you. I know it is hard at times like this when a loss makes you feel the love for others so much more keenly.

(((((heim)))))

[Puddle]

Hey Heim,

Glad you're back safe and sound. I know the death of a loved one can put us in a different state of mind, hence your ILY to W.

I'm with OT, though. W has never felt you've given her the space she needs/wants, despite your best efforts. The physical space, she's got, but not the emotional space.

I know you'd like real answers as to what her fears are, etc, but this isn't the time. It may never come, but asking her now would be pushing that time, if it's to come, further into the distance.

Let her go, Heim. She has to be the one to make a move back toward you, and she's not doing that right now. Her response to your ILY, as OT said, shows that.

Heim, when I flew out to visit my dad a while ago I felt the need to say ILY to H, since I always have the feeling when I'm flying, I may not come back. He said, "I love you, too." It didn't mean he wanted to work on anything; it was just an acknowledgment that we have a bond that transcends all this R stuff. Your W can't acknowledge that with you right now. Not the time to talk. (As it wasn't for us.)

Death puts us in a different place. Give yourself some time to come to grips with this. Seeing your sitch in the big picture is useful, I think, for you personally. Try to see far enough that you see what would be useful for your R (as it is now) and what would hurt. Take the long view---no lunches and R talk in your near future.

Glad you're back. Take care.

[Gone Dancin']

Good pts from OT and P -- not much to add from me, really.

Heim,

I know that you're dealing with the loss of a loved one, and I can empathize with you a bunch (having lost nearly every member of my family over the last 7 yrs). I'm sorry you are suffering because of it, but so happy that you and your D's (they went too, right?) were able to spend time with your MawMaw before she went. I have no doubt that this was very important to her, as well.

The others are right (as I'm sure you know) that your MawMaw's passing is having a profound effect on your emotional state right now, and it is making it difficult for you to make sound, reasonable judgement calls regarding your sitch. Deep down you know that you can't allow your emotion and instinct to steer this buggy right now -- it will not help your sitch. I'm quite sure that your W understands what this loss is doing to you emotionally right now, meaning that she realizes that it is likely making you more vulnerable and wanting/needing her more as a result. Your W cares about you, but not in a romantic sense right now. And anything that you say or do to remind her of that will most likely prolong you meeting any of your goals and potentially reconciling. The others have said this too, and as hard as it is to accept it (and as hard as it is for me to type it), you must let go of the rope, brotha. I know you can, and you're doing better everyday, every week, etc. Don't let your new pain cause you to backslide on your hard work to detach and give your W space. Harness it as motivation that strengthens your resolve to give W what she is needing and asking for (heck, even give her more than she thinks you can give regarding her needs/wants!).

I'm glad you've taken a break from the boards for a while, and if you continue to do so that's just fine (though I must admit I miss your unique wit and sense of humor!). We'll still be here, as you know, so do for Heim right now. Just remember to stay focused on what is necessary for you in the long run -- what will ultimately bring you closer to your goals. And OT is absolutely right that dwelling on not knowing what your W's reasons were for leaving, as well as still considering confronting her about it at this time, serves no purpose (not until W reinvests anyway). You know what you need to change, and if you look hard enough you'll realize that you don't need W to tell you -- you can see it all for yourself. Put yourself in your W's shoes, and you will know. Make the changes, show her and don't say a thing about them -- let your actions do the talking. She'll eventually see them and see that they're genuine (as long as you make them stick), and even then she might decide to not come back. That's a chance that you and all of us have to take, because that is the best shot we've got.

Take care, my friend.

GD

(guess I had more to add than I thought! )

[limbo]

(((Heim))))

Just wanted to stop by and give you big hugs!! I am sorry about your Mawmaw!
Do what you need to, to get you through this, but remember what your goals are, and try to keep them in your mind.

Take care!

[hopeforfuture]

((((Heim))))
Sorry to hear about your Mawmaw. I haven't checked your thread in a while, but did just send an email off to you before I read this.

I can't add anything to the advice you just got from others on here.

Stay strong.

[Pudmuddle]

Heimy,

So sorry for your loss, but it is good that you were able to be there. That helps to ease some of your pain.

I ditto what OT, Puddle and GD are saying.

Hang in there sweetie, we are here for ya.

[PMA_Baby!]

hang in there bud.

Broken

[Heimlich]

Thanks, everyone, for the kind thoughts.

OT, GD, Puddle -- I know you are all right, except that I can't get rid of that little voice that says getting her to talk somehow/someway is the way back. There's a good chance that voice is wrong, but I'm just not sure.

OK, so I did ask her to lunch yesterday. I was a little emotionally vulnerable and she was just looking extemely cute. As you would expect, got a non-committal "We'll see/maybe" or something to that effect, but not a complete shoot down. Somewhere in between maybe and hell no, if that makes sense. Wish I hadn't, but c'est la vie.

I stayed at her parents' on the way down. When I was leaving, her dad said something about "I haven't talked to her in about 2 months." She used to talk to her parents at least once a week. Her parents disagree with her decision and would prefer that we work things out. Anyway, I said something to the effect of 'Give your dad a call, he misses you. Don't push him away just because they disagree with what's going on between us.' She didn't really acknowledge, so I said something else like "It's your decision to push me away, that's fine. He's your dad, don't do this to yourself." She fired back with soemthing like "I heard you and don't need a lecture." I said, I'm not trying to lecture you and I know I say the same basic thing over occassionally, it's just the way I talk sometimes. For your dad to say something like that to me is pretty big and I thought you ought to know.

Said goodnight and went back inside my apartment.

Need to get to the house and retrieve the last few items that I need for the house -- photos and things like that -- to show her that I'm not hanging on but starting to really move on.

Anyways, back to work. Blech.

BD

[hopeforfuture]

OT, GD, Puddle -- I know you are all right, except that I can't get rid of that little voice that says getting her to talk somehow/someway is the way back. There's a good chance that voice is wrong, but I'm just not sure.

That's strange. I was just having the same thought. I was looking through my sent emails and realized just how much I haven't contacted W. I haven't sent her anything unless I was responding to her email for about a month now. Same thing with the cell phone. I don't think I've initiated a call in the same amount of time. Doesn't seem to be working. She really seems to have just gotten more distant. At what point do you accept that not talking isn't working and you try something else? Anybody out there got wise words for me and Heim?