As I start to write this I could just kick myself for not keeping a journal. I have been a lurker for a long time … even though I have not contributed with advice … I could not have survived this crisis with out the thoughtful postings of absolutely everyone on this board.
I have cried with many of you because of the awful circumstances you (we) have found ourselves in. At a good moment I have even laughed with you.
I found myself beginning this journey in September 2004. Fortunately for the sake of sanity I searched the web for insight and found Divorce Busting. I put many of the DB concepts to work but still found myself in divorce court. Regretfully I was the one in the end that filed for divorce because I was afraid of where I might end up financially and quite honestly I just simply didn’t know what else to do. I convinced myself that a divorce was only a piece of paper recognized by the state … but that in God’s eyes were still married.
For the most part I think I have been a good DB’er. Of course, like everyone I have had my moments. However, I will say that those who know me, can not believe my patience and understanding. They absolutely think that I am crazy to want to have my marriage and my family back again.
I most definitely think that my husband is running through the course of a mid-life crisis. Lost weight, changed dress, dyed his hair, grew a beard … thankfully no sports car. When he so shockingly walked out of our house … he had little to do with our children, a major change since he had done absolutely everything with them. All bills/finances had been in his control … and he left all of that too me. He became very selfish and teenager like … definitely a 180 from what he was like.
Our divorce was final about 2 years ago … and believe it or not I am still DBing. I want my marriage and I want my family back together again. Our relationship has been interesting. When he sees me face to face he has a very difficult time looking me in the eye. There are moments when he can look me in the eye … but then it is like he “corrects” himself. Get him on the phone though and he talks for 20, 30 , 45 minutes straight at a time. If I go “dark” on him, he pursues me more.
Early on when this began back in 2004 he told me he never loved me. Just months before he couldn’t keep his hands off me and stop telling me how much he loved me.
There is no way to cover everything that has happened but despite all of this I have been standing … I believe that he still cares for me even though he does not want to admit it. Do I think that I am naïve? Or blind? I don’t think so. I sure have discovered that as impatient as I am …. I sure do have a lot of patience.
Recently my daughter (teenager) shared a conversation with me. Currently I am living in a home that my parents purchased for me until the house we own sells (he is living in our home). The house market is terrible and it has been on the market for almost 2 years now. I have indicated that I may move back in so that my parents can sell the home that they purchased for me (my x would move in with a friend). (this is mainly out of my guilt because I never thought that it would be this long before I would sell the other house). My xh seems to always get very excited about my daughter and I moving back into our house … don’t know why, but is probably to not have the burden of the upkeep. Well, he happened to mention to my daughter that we might be moving back into the house. She told him that if it weren’t for him we would never have moved out. She continued to tell him that he had messed up our family. HE shockingly said to her that he knew he had messed things up and that he has always felt bad about that (a major, major admission on his part … because he has never indicated any fault at all). She told him that she wanted to know why when he came in our house that he never was nice to Mom (me) and he indicated that he never had any problems with me but that he did not want to give me any hope that we could get back together ( another major admission). He indicated to her that his problem was with marriage in general. Which was a bit shocking for me to hear … since for 18 years I would have never had any clue that he did not like the idea of marriage!
I guess I am wondering through all of this mess that I have just poured out here if there is any thread of hope. Am I crazy or am I seeing him work his way through the end stages of his midlife crisis? Thoughts anyone would be greatly appreciated. Unfortunately, close friends will roll their eyes (here she goes again sort of thing!) … they think I need to move on …
(((BND))) Thank you for visiting my thread!! Concerning the ow, I do believe that there was an infatuation with a 30 year younger girl. And I say girl, because he had her as a student her senior year and when I approached him about the relationship with her ... he absolutely blew up and moved out the next day. When I approached him about the relationship, I just told him that I was uncomfortable, but couldn't put my finger on what I was uncomfortable with (actually, my son indicated he thought something not right was going on, but he did not know that). He continued to deny a "relationship" ... but I do know that when I went to court for my divorce he did not fight my request for full custody of both of my children. Although I do not know this for sure ... but I believe my attorney told his attorney he was going to call a few people in to court. I always have felt sad that he didn't even try to fight for shared custody of his children. Oh well.
Recently I learned through another friend who quite by accident met another woman from out of town who indicated that she had been dating my XH for the last year. This is a friend who was very shocked ... her husband works very closely with my XH and she said that absolutely no one has any idea that he is dating. However, when he learned that I had been told about this relationship ... it appears that he wants to go out of his way to make me think that he is not dating. He calls me on Friday evening and Sat. evenings to touch base on incidental things or calls my daughter and drops hints about what exactly he is doing that evening.
So I guess I wonder, why would he care what I think? Again, to me just signs of "hope". But I sure don't want to appear to be stupid!!!
Welcome. So glad you finally posted after being a lurker. I give you a ton of credit for standing even now, after the D. I think they make their admissions little by little as they move through this. I am sure there are things your xh would admit to anyone else but you, which is why you are hearing things from your daughter about how sorry he is, etc. He could very well be moving through this; what is the deal with this ow you found out about? Do you know much about her? I ask because it seems like when they are with very, very different women that fit the "affair down" category (i.e., needy, lonely, broke, addiction-suffering, etc.) they are usually using them for a pick me up so to speak, because they are so depressed themselves. Might be a good indicator. Keep posting!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Welcome, We are here to help you in any way. You sound strong and committed to your marriage. I commend you.
It certainly sounds like MLC.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Hopefloats! Thanks for stopping by. I've been a lurker, but I feel like I know everyone on this board. Interestingly enough ... XH's girlfriend lives about an hour away ... so it is fairly long distance. She does seem to be quite ambitious, which actually is a quality that my xh has been lacking since this whole mlc thing hit. The person that told me about her indicated that we seemed alike in many ways ... she did indicate that I have her beat in the looks department though (obviously she is biased though )
Hi Trusting! You have caught me at a good moment. I am getting stronger ... and like I said earlier, this board literally saved me!!! There were many a nights it was a bottle of wine, a lot of tears and this board.
NC, you ask if there is hope. It depends on what you believe. It is never a waste of time to do what you need to do. If you feel you should wait, no one should make you feel as if you shouldn't. Hope is something that is a gift. It isn't foolish and it certainly isn't a curse. What is it you believe?
If you could look into the future, say 2, 5 or 10 years down the road, and your H is back with you after a long time of being in MLC-land, was it "false hope"? What if the same time passes and he is gone, not coming back? Was it a waste of time? To most people, they would say yes. You should take care of yourself by having happiness with someone else. Do you get happiness by who you are with or what you know about yourself and what you give to others?
Reading about you in a few short posts tells me that you have so much more depth and so much more in your life than your H. It is so understandable after standing longer than almost anyone post-D that you are questioning whether you should continue standing. Very few people can stand that long. I question my ability to stand that long. I know I certainly can't do that under my own power or ability. Why are you standing?
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
What others see about us (as in appearing to be stupid) is mostly irrelevant. Those that are close to us don't want us to hurt, hence the "move on" stuff. Those that aren't close don't matter.
I like mmf's questions about how you achieve happiness for yourself and why you're stading. They are questions I've been spending some time myself. I'm one of those who does better in a R, however until my D's (youngest is 12) are through high school, I won't be. Personal choice. So I've got about 6 years to spend on me and the "hope" of a new R with H. If I appear stupid to put that much time into the man I couldn't live without, I can live with that.
Good questions MMF! I guess I sometimes think I know that standing is worth the wait. But I guess hearing the words he said to my daughter about the fact that he did not have a problem with me ... but the problem was that he never liked the idea of marriage. "GULP" How do you overcome that? Deep down I don't think I believe that he felt this way ... but am I just kidding myself? Actually when he first left he said he wanted to have the "perfect" marriage that his parents had. Too bad he didn't think that his kids should have two parents at home like he did. I know, I know ... I have to believe that this is all mlc talk ...
