We have some commonality. My W said she needed to figure out who she was. This meant she would start drinking.. staying out till 3 in the AM, etc.
Same attitude with the kids. She'd rather have her nails done then take them somewhere.
It's definitely a fog.. how can you jump into something so quickly?
The way I look at it... my W had to. She's to immature and unstable to truly be by herself. I'm very concerned (mostly for my children) if and when her A ends.
As for the Holidays.. yep.. especially in a new country and all. I really do feel for you guys.
My youngest D turns 3 and we are hashing B-day plans out. She gets them on Thanksgiving.. I get them on Xmas eve (family tradition) and she gets them Xmas day.
It just seems the more entwined it all gets with doing up house and OM having a cell phone family plan for WAW and oldest daughter, the harder it will be for WAW to untwine from it in the future.
If you stop and think about this, it's not totally true. Just think about how entwined we were with our spouses before the bomb. We had a marriage, children, and a home. It didn't stop them from walking away from it, because they were "unhappy". So if they can walk away from their "real" lives with no remorse, certainly they will be able to walk away from their "fantasy" lives when it starts to unravel!
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Yes you are right. Why did I think that this would be any more complicated than what she did to me.
Jarhead
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The way I look at it... my W had to. She's to immature and unstable to truly be by herself. I'm very concerned (mostly for my children) if and when her A ends.
Well we did not have money for 2 apartments, utilities, etc. and even if we did, I also do not think that the W could have done it on her own. She needed to rely on someone else for everthing she needed.
Saffie - Came to USA for the American Dream and it turned in to a nightmare. No offence to the USA. Wish I could go back to England sometimes but could not leave the children. However, I hate that because of WAW, I am trapped in a way. Difficult to explain but because of the sitch, I feel that I have lost my sense of freedom I suppose. It just does not feel the same, I dunno - rambling away to myself.
I am so sorry that you feel trapped. Was your wife unhappy in the UK ? Do you think she felt trapped over here? How long had she lived over in the UK before you went to the US?
One of my BIL's is English and M'd a S.African girl. They tried to settle here in the UK twice and in S.Africa once. Funnily enough it was always the S that was in their own country that was the unsettled one. In the end the emmigrated to Australia and they seem to have finally found a place they feel at home.
Where abouts in the UK did you used to be? I am in the midlands - you couldn't get more central!!!
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I feel for you and I am incredibly angry at your wife for snatching up your children from you, exposing them to her active affair, and not providing them the privacy and space they deserve and are used to. She is incredibly selfish. She wasn't running from an abusive father/husband for heaven's sake, she was unhappy and left.
Ok. Had to get that part out.
You are doing everything you can. I agree, you need legal advice with regards to visitation with your own children. Hope you can keep up your positive attitude, W will notice.
I am so sorry that you feel trapped. Was your wife unhappy in the UK ? Do you think she felt trapped over here? How long had she lived over in the UK before you went to the US?
No my wife was happy in the UK. She had been there 23 years before we moved. She says that she was excited to go to the USA to start with but when it was getting closer she did not want to go. She said she thought it would make me happy and happier than I was in the uk.
She loved me and wanted to make what we thought would be a better life. She now says that she wished that we had stayed but can not turn back the clock.
This hurts me so much for not realizing this at the time. I wish she had banged this into my head but of course the famililes could not disuade me and I can not remember having a serious conversation on her feelings.
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One of my BIL's is English and M'd a S.African girl. They tried to settle here in the UK twice and in S.Africa once. Funnily enough it was always the S that was in their own country that was the unsettled one. In the end the emmigrated to Australia and they seem to have finally found a place they feel at home.
Yes this obviously, is true of my wife and stupidly I thought she would be happy in her home country and home town.
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Where abouts in the UK did you used to be? I am in the midlands - you couldn't get more central!!!
Born and raised in Surrey but moved to the south west - Dorset 10 years ago and lived there for 8 years. Beautiful place, why we left f*** knows.
More serious tonight about the children. I need some thoughts from both the ladies and men with children. I spoke to my S11 tonight and he says that OM and WAW being mean to him.
He says that OM pulls him, shakes him like a maniac, last night was thrown on his mattress and had the bedroom door locked and had to go without dinner AND had to sleep on mattress without pillow and covers (they were in lounge and nobody gave them to him).
Has been spanked and kicked in the backside for being naughty.
Yes my son can play up and poke and prod his little brother but my wife says that if she can not handle him, she gives it to OM as they live in his house.
My wife says that OM would not harm the children and never has and she would be the first one to put a stop to it. I said that I would hope so and that I would be the first one up there to put a stop to it for good.
Now what concerns me is that she was not much of a disciplinarian anyway. Now with OM's influence, she is because he seems to be running the show and she is along for the ride.
I have also lost all trust in her because of how she has lied and deceived me for so long. You know how WAS's are when they enter the fog.
I know that you have to take both the WAW and son with a pinch of salt. Is the WAW covering for OM? is the son seeking attention and trying to cause an upset? Do you believe an adult or an 11 year old?
If you believe the adults are you going to miss the true voice of the child that is being covered up by lies and then leave him to this kind of discipline/abuse until something major happens?
Or do you start accusing the adults and land yourself in a very diificult situation?
I am not there and can not prove anything until I see physical evidence on his body. I do not for one minute suspect this man for being an abuser but I sure do not like the way my son is being treated and I know that my son is not an habitual liar, there must be some truth to it.
I do not care what the WAW does to me but I will not let anyone treat my children without respect.
Maybe just rattled over hearing all this from son tonight. Hate not being there 24/7 for the kids.
Any advice as to what to do as I do not want this to escalate.
Your 11 yr old is more mature than W or OM. I would believe him.
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I do not for one minute suspect this man for being an abuser but I sure do not like the way my son is being treated and I know that my son is not an habitual liar, there must be some truth to it.
Well, the things you described seem horribly unfair to me, borderlining on abuse. Especially from a man who has no business disciplining this 11 yr old child. He is no one to your son. That upsets me.
Legal advice, legal advice, legal advice.
And document everything.
It must be horrible to not be able to be with your kids and be worrying about them. HUGS!
OM has no business administering any sort of corporal punishment to your children. Find a good lawyer as fast as you can. You might also consider contacting Child Protective Services (don't know what it is called in Texas), but I would get legal advice first.
In a perfect world, you could go kick the guy's a$$ for even touching your son. In the real world, that would be used against you in a custody dispute.
If your wife is turning over the discipline of your children to Mr. New Guy because she can't handle it herself, perhaps she is not fit to have custody. Those are your children, and you have the right and responsibility to expect and demand that they be treated appropriately--even if it does result in hard feelings. Just make sure you do it through legal channels to assure that your rights are not jeopardized.
