As I start to write this I could just kick myself for not keeping a journal. I have been a lurker for a long time … even though I have not contributed with advice … I could not have survived this crisis with out the thoughtful postings of absolutely everyone on this board.
I have cried with many of you because of the awful circumstances you (we) have found ourselves in. At a good moment I have even laughed with you.
I found myself beginning this journey in September 2004. Fortunately for the sake of sanity I searched the web for insight and found Divorce Busting. I put many of the DB concepts to work but still found myself in divorce court. Regretfully I was the one in the end that filed for divorce because I was afraid of where I might end up financially and quite honestly I just simply didn’t know what else to do. I convinced myself that a divorce was only a piece of paper recognized by the state … but that in God’s eyes were still married.
For the most part I think I have been a good DB’er. Of course, like everyone I have had my moments. However, I will say that those who know me, can not believe my patience and understanding. They absolutely think that I am crazy to want to have my marriage and my family back again.
I most definitely think that my husband is running through the course of a mid-life crisis. Lost weight, changed dress, dyed his hair, grew a beard … thankfully no sports car. When he so shockingly walked out of our house … he had little to do with our children, a major change since he had done absolutely everything with them. All bills/finances had been in his control … and he left all of that too me. He became very selfish and teenager like … definitely a 180 from what he was like.
Our divorce was final about 2 years ago … and believe it or not I am still DBing. I want my marriage and I want my family back together again. Our relationship has been interesting. When he sees me face to face he has a very difficult time looking me in the eye. There are moments when he can look me in the eye … but then it is like he “corrects” himself. Get him on the phone though and he talks for 20, 30 , 45 minutes straight at a time. If I go “dark” on him, he pursues me more.
Early on when this began back in 2004 he told me he never loved me. Just months before he couldn’t keep his hands off me and stop telling me how much he loved me.
There is no way to cover everything that has happened but despite all of this I have been standing … I believe that he still cares for me even though he does not want to admit it. Do I think that I am naïve? Or blind? I don’t think so. I sure have discovered that as impatient as I am …. I sure do have a lot of patience.
Recently my daughter (teenager) shared a conversation with me. Currently I am living in a home that my parents purchased for me until the house we own sells (he is living in our home). The house market is terrible and it has been on the market for almost 2 years now. I have indicated that I may move back in so that my parents can sell the home that they purchased for me (my x would move in with a friend). (this is mainly out of my guilt because I never thought that it would be this long before I would sell the other house). My xh seems to always get very excited about my daughter and I moving back into our house … don’t know why, but is probably to not have the burden of the upkeep. Well, he happened to mention to my daughter that we might be moving back into the house. She told him that if it weren’t for him we would never have moved out. She continued to tell him that he had messed up our family. HE shockingly said to her that he knew he had messed things up and that he has always felt bad about that (a major, major admission on his part … because he has never indicated any fault at all). She told him that she wanted to know why when he came in our house that he never was nice to Mom (me) and he indicated that he never had any problems with me but that he did not want to give me any hope that we could get back together ( another major admission). He indicated to her that his problem was with marriage in general. Which was a bit shocking for me to hear … since for 18 years I would have never had any clue that he did not like the idea of marriage!
I guess I am wondering through all of this mess that I have just poured out here if there is any thread of hope. Am I crazy or am I seeing him work his way through the end stages of his midlife crisis? Thoughts anyone would be greatly appreciated. Unfortunately, close friends will roll their eyes (here she goes again sort of thing!) … they think I need to move on …
