All hope is lost/help

[Evie]

Try again.

Thank you for your reply, its exactly the slap I needed right now, I couldn't see how I was been!! Smothering you say? In what way do you read it as me smothering? I have become aware that I mother everyone, its a trait that my M has and her fussing annoys everyone, i am making a concious effort not too, so maybe h saw me as mothering, not sexy at all!!!

H has just called my mobile and land line again! I ignored them and i've now switched mobile off. It is time for boudaries and 180's. H will call for no reason at all and I don't understand why?

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He HAS said he wants out of the M, right? Well, then what IS with all the calls? He wants to either 1) have you stay connected enough for him to go back if and when he wants to, or 2) he's checking to see if he's losing you, AND OR 3) he feels guilty and this makes him feel as if he's still kind to you.
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H has always been kind, hates confrontation (we both avoid it). Problems were never dealt with, we need to learn communication skills to deal with the issues.

Why would he worry about losing me if he wants out at this time?

I know him well enough to know he will be feeling guilty. But he has never contacted me this much, especially since may (bomb)except in the beginning of our R and he did all the pursuing then... but he wouldn't be pursuing me if he can't talk about the R or go out with me surely? I think he is insecure, of what I don't know, he was sure he wanted to leave and not work on the R anymore. He said we had grown to far apart (ILYBNILWY)

I was happy for the contact with H because I wanted to treat him as my friend and to build on this frienship, occasionally he has texted me and been open about a couple of things to do with the R and if there was to ever be a reconcilation at least we would have built a foundation as friends, so i'm confused now, h obviously likes the connection but for what reason I don't know? My fear would be that by not encouraging the friendship I lose the possibility of reconcilation in the future. As i'm writing this I can feel you hitting me with the 4 x 2's, right!!

So what I need to do is back off, give him space to think and let him decide?

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You've radiated pain and sorrow and need to him for some time now, don't you think? How about a real 180' INSIDE you, and in your behavior? What makes YOU happy? Can we start visiting those things? What does your therapist or counselor say? I'm assuming you have one for yourself in some form. If there were ever a time for one, now is it.
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To be honest, i have spent so long bringing up kids, building the business, renovating homes, buying a property abroad for our 'pension' and working full time that I have lost myself, I don't know what I want or what I enjoy, in this respect i'm like your sister JS. After the bomb, i took up yoga, which I still do, I enjoy the space in my head it gives me. I have a lot of girlfriends that I enjoy going out to dinner with. I have a demanding job so I enjoy being quiet when I get home. With 4 kids in the house it's rarely quiet... I enjoy reading, watching dvd's but I agree i need new interests, just atm I don't know what, i just need to be for now. When D1 leaves in 17 days I will be busy decorating bedrooms for the other 3 kids to have their own rooms.

BTW a bit about C's. We initially went together for an assessment to see how we wanted to proceed? H wanted to end the R and I wanted to work on the R. They said they could only counsel one way or the other. We were put on the waiting list and after 3 months an appointment came up at which point H didn't want to go anymore and the C wouldn't see me on my own. We have a very different system over here to you guys. If i were to go again I would have to start over and then be put on the waiting list and I have no confidene that they would be goal orientated etc (we need Michele & her team over here!!).

Thank you for listening, I am TRUELY grateful for all advice.

XD