Help me thru this sitch

[Puddle]

Hey pm,

Someday I hope this will be easier, I just don't know how to practice getting better unless I am speaking to him. A vicious circle.

It will get easier with practice. Do you and H ever email? Maybe if you feel like you need to say something to him that's touchy (after giving yourself some time, thinking about it, etc etc) you could email him. Like someone else mentioned, that way you can read it over and over. Or post it here before you send it: I've done that. Giving yourself a bit of time can help----much harder to stick your foot in it that way.

mostly because he think if we are NOT talking that things must be peachy.

Okay, how about this? You're working on things *for you* truly being peachy---your own life, interests, friends, activities, happiness. H thinks, great, she's okay with everything, she's off my case. You keep things peachy for you. Eventually H thinks, huh, she's peachy. I want to be peachy. I want us to be peachy. And he makes a move back toward you. *That's* the time to prepare for instead of worrying about H going along like things are fine.

If you're peachy and he thinks everything's great, you don't care, because you're peachy. If eventually you think, hey, I'm peachy and H is a drag, I'm done with this dance, fine. But in the meantime, cultivate your own peachiness.

I want him to talk about us before he takes any more drastic measures, but I am not counting on that, only wishing.

Good, you can't do anything about it. Peachy peachy peachy.

The first motivation for me is to go watch my S, he has asked several times if I would go and watch him.

Good enough reason right there: kids first.

But secondly it would be a 180 for me. And I am not expecting any points or anything from my H by doing that.

Another excellent reason. You've got it, girl.

Take care.

[Pudmuddle]

Hi Puddle,

I so appreciate your insights, I can't express how much it means to me at this point. Thank you.

And this is my new favorite mantra:
cultivate my own peachiness.
cultivate my own peachiness.
cultivate my own peachiness.

I'd hug you all over if we were in the same area!

[Pudmuddle]

I am peachy.

Well it was an interesting weekend. Friday night I was asked out to dinner by some friends so I went and it was a blast being around happy people. Then Saturday I helped my SIL with a wedding - food preparation, that was long and exhausting but again fun to be around happy people. Plus I dressed in a nice skirt and top(which I rarely do), so it was a 180 for me! Plus my H noticed and said I looked really nice, twice, then he poked my tummy playfully from a small gap in the shirt I had on...Hmmm...I felt really nice looking so that felt good too.

Then I went to watch my S ride his dirtbike on Sunday, H normally takes him but my S asked if I would go and watch him. Plus my H and I used to do this together all the time in our more sparkly days. So I basically tried to watch my son, and not talk with H much, but I had a good time. My H kept bringing up small talk and asked once if I was totally bored. I just shook my head no and smiled, then went to watch some other racers practice. Then at some point I was talking with another girl that was there, and he asked later if I was being a "pit mom" (which means all the women get together and chat about racing) lol. At another point I was walking back to our trailer and my H came off the track from practicing and proceeded to ride past me. But THEN he turned around on his bike and came back behind me and said"want a ride little girl?" all playful like, so I said "Sure, will you give me one" and laughed. Then I climbed on the back and he rode me back to the trailer. Gosh it felt good to hug him, lol. So it was a good day, we joked and had small talk when my son was out practicing. I joked and had fun with my S, while my H watched us being silly.

I had thought my H was going out after he practiced with OW, because he had mentioed it earlier in the week. But after we got home, we went to the store, and then he just started fixing dinner...so he stayed HOME! I didn't question him at all about his other plans, I just absorbed it. Then after dinner we all watched a little hockey together, then I went and found something else to do for a while, I didn't want my husband to get suspicious of my motives for hanging out together too much. But then I called and talked to my mom about some other family issues we have going on, so I went and told him about that as he is interested. Plus he was also drinking a beer so he was in a friendlier mood, lol. (timing of the approach is everything right?) Then after we tucked my S into bed I started walking to my room to go to bed and I didn't look at my H, but he said loudly, "good night". He hadn't done that before. So I said good night.

He keeps waffling back and forth it seems about doing stuff on his own and then not. He mentioned friday that he had gotten his own bank acct. But then sunday he talked about not selling one of our cars he had been so adamant about before. And then as we were driving home at one point he noticed all the Xmas lights starting to come out and said how he thought we should start getting ours up...that surprised me. I get so confused! But these are small baby steps.

I also had mentioned to him that SIL had asked us over for Thanksgiving because she wanted me to bring some of my pies. Altho I thought I said it in a not so db way "I don't know what your plans are but SIL would like us to come over for Tgiving."

I shoulda left of the what your plans are part, because that doesn't matter. He didn't respond to that yet, but I know his Bro will call him too about this, so we shall see...

I hope this is all making a difference in his head.

I am peachy.

Hopefully this is a good kind of peachy; not the spherical and slightly furry type

Well it was an interesting weekend. Friday night I was asked out to dinner by some friends so I went and it was a blast being around happy people. Then Saturday I helped my SIL with a wedding - food preparation, that was long and exhausting but again fun to be around happy people. Plus I dressed in a nice skirt and top(which I rarely do), so it was a 180 for me! Plus my H noticed and said I looked really nice, twice, then he poked my tummy playfully from a small gap in the shirt I had on...Hmmm...I felt really nice looking so that felt good too.

Wow, that's a busy weekend - Good for you! I'd say that H touching your tummy was a 'testing the waters' exercise for him. My W has done something similar a few times - Usually something small and meaningless, but stuff you'd not do to even your closest friend. I'm sure H appreciated you dressing up all fancy

From a guy's perspective, you usually don't poke a girl's tummy unless you want something

Then I went to watch my S ride his dirtbike on Sunday, H normally takes him but my S asked if I would go and watch him. Plus my H and I used to do this together all the time in our more sparkly days. So I basically tried to watch my son, and not talk with H much, but I had a good time. My H kept bringing up small talk and asked once if I was totally bored. I just shook my head no and smiled, then went to watch some other racers practice. Then at some point I was talking with another girl that was there, and he asked later if I was being a "pit mom" (which means all the women get together and chat about racing) lol. At another point I was walking back to our trailer and my H came off the track from practicing and proceeded to ride past me. But THEN he turned around on his bike and came back behind me and said"want a ride little girl?" all playful like, so I said "Sure, will you give me one" and laughed. Then I climbed on the back and he rode me back to the trailer. Gosh it felt good to hug him, lol. So it was a good day, we joked and had small talk when my son was out practicing. I joked and had fun with my S, while my H watched us being silly.

I've noticed that since my W has been more comfortable with physical contact, and even frequently initiating it, our relationship has improved a lot. Not sure which feeds which, but I guess it doesn't matter. My W for a long time didn't even want me to hug her, much less anything else.

I had thought my H was going out after he practiced with OW, because he had mentioed it earlier in the week. But after we got home, we went to the store, and then he just started fixing dinner...so he stayed HOME! I didn't question him at all about his other plans, I just absorbed it. Then after dinner we all watched a little hockey together, then I went and found something else to do for a while, I didn't want my husband to get suspicious of my motives for hanging out together too much. But then I called and talked to my mom about some other family issues we have going on, so I went and told him about that as he is interested. Plus he was also drinking a beer so he was in a friendlier mood, lol. (timing of the approach is everything right?) Then after we tucked my S into bed I started walking to my room to go to bed and I didn't look at my H, but he said loudly, "good night". He hadn't done that before. So I said good night.

It's great that he's wanting to spend time together - He must have had a lot of fun with you all during the day... I read somewhere that it's important to make each interaction positive so they'll want to come back for more.

He keeps waffling back and forth it seems about doing stuff on his own and then not. He mentioned friday that he had gotten his own bank acct. But then sunday he talked about not selling one of our cars he had been so adamant about before. And then as we were driving home at one point he noticed all the Xmas lights starting to come out and said how he thought we should start getting ours up...that surprised me. I get so confused! But these are small baby steps.

My W is the same - She wants independence, to a point, but she won't cut those last few strings. I have my own checking account, and W and I share another. I've lost track of how many times she's told me "Next week we'll go and take you off that other account" and it has never happened. Last weekend when we went out together she even joked that I had two different debit cards, even though they both could work on either account - No mention of turning it into her own account.

I say that you make the most of the positives, but don't change what you do because of them, and don't put pressure on H because you see that ray of hope. In a couple of days, he might not want anything to do with Christmas lights, so don't get discouraged if that happens.

Remember, actions speak louder than words. When he's out there with the lights, extension cords and is trying to untangle it all, that's when you get excited.

I also had mentioned to him that SIL had asked us over for Thanksgiving because she wanted me to bring some of my pies. Altho I thought I said it in a not so db way "I don't know what your plans are but SIL would like us to come over for Tgiving."

I find that funny - "I don't know what your plans are" is what my W tells me ALL THE TIME. Whenever we try to set a time for dinner together, go out with D or plan for the holidays, it's the same thing. Even this weekend when she was leaving she said to D "It's time to go so Daddy can do his thing", and later "Lets leave Daddy to do whatever it is that Daddy does". I'm not sure what she is expecting me to say - I'm honest with her about it, and sometimes even joke. To that last comment I just said "Daddy isn't doing anything special", and let it at that. Is she pursuing, digging for information, or trying to reassure herself that I'm not going off with other girls or something? Who the hell knows.

How is husband going to feel around SIL? He may be wary of going if it is going to make him feel uncomfortable, or like he's being forced into having a happy family gathering. It sounds like he's enjoying being with you, but if he declines Thanksgiving, it may not be personal. I wouldn't ask again for a while, since he knows Thanksgiving is coming up, and I'm sure he's probably not feeling too comfortable going with any of the possible options.

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks for stopping by Brit!

Yes, its the good kind of peachy...my new mantra courtesy of Puddle, lol.

Yes, he's actually done the tummy thing a couple of times now, and he is a very visual guy (most are), so the dress thing I know got his mind working. He has always commented in the past on how I never wear dresses/skirts anymore. So that was a huge 180 for me. But it helped my PMA too!

I've noticed that since my W has been more comfortable with physical contact, and even frequently initiating it, our relationship has improved a lot. Not sure which feeds which, but I guess it doesn't matter. My W for a long time didn't even want me to hug her, much less anything else.

From a girl's perspective, They both do feed each other, her emotional side must be being fulfilled, so she feels she can be more physical with you.

And I think he did have fun that day, and I didn't realize how much I missed doing that with them..I had dropped off on that for awhile when I wasn't feeling emotionally fulfilled.

I am getting really good at not taking everything literally. I was feeling positive about the Xmas lights and the Tgiving dinner but had NO expectations out of any of it...From his talk and then actions I see totally different behaviors, so I have gotten good at looking beyond that and letting him figure himself out. It's mainly his side of the family that lives here so I THINK he would be ok with his family, but not sure. If we went together I wouldn't make it seem like a happy family thing for us(but not be miserable either) but just that we are there enjoying his family and the kids.

Thanks again for the insights.

[craig54]

PUD, it is great to see that db'ing really can have results, even small ones. my wife has shown me no affection for weeks. but she is alot more comfortable around me than she was 3weeks ago. so i can deal with that. thing to remember is no expectations, no reactions , just understanding.

[Pudmuddle]

Yes, Craig, it is amazing to see some small things coming forward, and that is the hope we all hold out for. I know yours is coming soon, just keep being patient. It sounds really good to me that she does feel more comfortable around you. The first time I noticed this, my H just started yakking and yakking about everything under the sun, and that is unusual for him. So I could tell he was feeling more comfortable. Then came the small touching he has been doing, albeit small, but it does make me giddy inside.

So, I am working from home today because my S has vet's day off from school. My H just texted me and said "How's the boy doin? Howz yous doin?" (the old line from Joey on Friends tv show, our inside joke). That little nicety surprised me nicely. So I let my S call him back from my phone, and then my H asked to talk to me...THAT was a small positive too. So I said "yessssssss?" in a silly way and then I asked how his day was going, and he sounded kind of down and tired. He spoke to me about a percentage discount we can get from his company on MY phone. Although he mentioned nothing about putting it in my name only...which he had before. I am grasping at all the small positives here, but it FEELS Good!!

Oh, and before I actually get out of bed everyday, I start off by praying to a Higher Power that today will be good and positive and that my H will eventually come out of this funk and see the light. That has seem to keep my spirits up and start everyday off on a positive. It is like a subconscious trick to set my mind in the right frame.

[Pudmuddle]

I was told by someone on here that if you do flirt with WAS, that you should do it kind of saucy. Cuz sometimes you just can't help flirting! Especially someone you've know in an intimate way for years...

So the other day while we were in the grocery store, we saw huge carts of Halloween candy, stuff that was on clearance. We started browsing through it and I saw Candy Corns and pumpkins which are my fave treat. My H commented that I hadn't actually bought any this year and that surprised him a bit, it being my fave Halloween candy and all..Then I said'yeah, since I got my braces for my teeth (<--a PMA to fix my teeth) I couldn't really chew that stuff right now, but I could just put a ton of them on my bed and roll around on them!' We both laughed out loud but I knew that got his mind working...heehee.

Hope everyone is having a good DB day today, or if not just a good day in general.

[lizzy]

PUD, it is great to see that db'ing really can have results, even small ones. my wife has shown me no affection for weeks. but she is alot more comfortable around me than she was 3weeks ago. so i can deal with that. thing to remember is no expectations, no reactions , just understanding.

Good advice Craig. We all want results immediately and we have to remember that results may take a long time. I haven't seen affection for a long time and I relized last night that H laughing at our house was progress. He told me the day before he feels a lot of anxiety at our house, so laughing was a big step.

[lizzy]

Hi PM! Sorry I haven't been by lately. I'm glad to hear you had a positive weekend. Keep up the good work. Braces are a big PMA. I was thinking about getting my nails done which I never do. Maybe I'll do that next week when I'm off for Thanksgiving.