All hope is lost/help

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Dis,

(Let's get a different name...) Anyhow, I think you need to set some boundaries. IF you feel you cannot say "don't call unless it's about our children" b/c let's face it, you really have been shut out of the rest of his life by His choice....then try answering all questions with "yes" and "No" unless it regards the children. If he finds it rude, tell him you find that ironic, and that you are simply trying to move on in your life. It's hard for you to move on when he keeps popping up, surely he isn't that clueless. Do NOT fear that telling him you want to move on will push him away. It won't. IF anything, IF anything, it'll start to wake him up. But don't do it for that reason either.

He HAS said he wants out of the M, right? Well, then what IS with all the calls? He wants to either 1) have you stay connected enough for him to go back if and when he wants to, or 2) he's checking to see if he's losing you, AND OR 3) he feels guilty and this makes him feel as if he's still kind to you. SO, if I'm correct, then what possible benefit is it to YOU, to answer, let alone even entertaining his questions about why you haven't rushed to return his calls? Is he insane? HE'S LEAVING YOU!!

This isn't about punishing him, it's about saving yourself and your heart and sanity. If he's IN your life as your h and father of the kids, that's one thing. If he wants out of the M then he's a "co-parent" to 2 kids...period. And weirdly, in your situation I guess, he might also be a business partner. What else is there to talk about? I hope you can get out of the business or constant contact sitch with him...gross...

Minimize the contact for YOURSELF, and maybe also b/c it'll alert him to the possibility that you might actually Not revolve around him...nor does your life, or the earth.

Also, as to lunch on Sundays, why do you have to be there? Isn't it for the boys? Why can't you be busy and let him have the kids to himself while you go off mysteriously to do your new thing (dressed WELL and looking GOOD)? Turn your cell off, and when you find he's called you 10 times, start the convo when you return the call with "IS there something wrong? Are the kids okay?" Imply or come right out and say that there is no reason to call you ANY DAY 10 times without an emergency. Jesus Christ, you have a right to a life. Is he super controlling?

Good for you on the holiday planning. For your birthday, what about saying nothing but that you replaced his ticket with a "friend"? I mean, you naturally assumed he was unavailable, and you didn't want to waste the ticket, and let's be frank....without an absolute turnaround on his part, is it going to be FUN on YOUR birthday to have HIM there?

No, it won't be. You'll be self conscious and hurt and focussed on him/his thoughts/actions/words or lack thereof and reading into everything. Wow, sounds like a blast.

I think even he will understand that you need to give that ticket to someone else and get your mind off him for a night. BTW, your brain and heart need a break too. This WILL CONSUME you and I know this b/c I've been where you are. My sisters had to do an "intervention" with me telling me to stop repeating myself asking "Why why why?" and to stop obsessing. You see, of my 3 sisters, 2 have been divorced and both remarried. One handled her divorce (which was a tremendous blow to her, with 22 years of M and 3 kids) with gracious dignity, and the other sister (JS) was pathetic (no kids, 13 years of M and imho, a million signs that something wasn't right in their M). JS revolved around her h during their marriage and took on virtually No hobbies or interests or even a job, if it cut into her h time. She smothered him and brought nothing to the M except a mirror for him. She fell apart when he left her, and obsessed and cried like nothing I've seen anywhere. He "ran" from her as fast as he could as far as I could tell. Called her a few times the first few months so he wouldn't feel like a total cad. Also, he remarried as soon as it was legally permissible...Not saying your h is having an affair, but it sounds like he feels smothered. By the way you talk, I can see why. On the other hand, his constant calling is inappropriate for a dozen reasons.

Anyway, when my sisters (other than JS, of course) said I had started to sound like JS, I took stock of myself and got a grip. I stopped asking "why"? all the time. BTW, when I met a 10 year old girl with cancer at a summer camp, she told me this: "I used to "ask why me? Why, why, why? Then I said to myself, 'it just is" and decided to try and have fun while I can." That little girl did pass away, but she had a great summer and her words have obviously stuck with me. There is no "why" right now. Guess what? It's not even relevant at this point. Make your life about YOU. Your children, Your future, etc. Not why your crazy h is crazy, or mean, or dishonest or whatever the hell he is. You have to let go of the illusion that you have control over him by what you say or do or feel. If that were true, the only thing we'd know is that your past actions/words didn't work to get him back.

When my sisters confronted me about getting a grip, I realized I was NOT supporting my kids in THEIR pain. My c told me to reassure them that no matter what happened, I would be there for them and that their happiness was the most important thing in my life. (So, I wouldn't be going off to "find myself", etc.)
So, I shifted focus off my pain and got some self respect back. Did I ever lose it and show anger at H? Heck yes. But all things considering, I was a heck of a lot stronger and healthier (and eventually more forgiving) than I knew I was.

You've radiated pain and sorrow and need to him for some time now, don't you think? How about a real 180' INSIDE you, and in your behavior? What makes YOU happy? Can we start visiting those things? What does your therapist or counselor say? I'm assuming you have one for yourself in some form. If there were ever a time for one, now is it.

Good luck,
j-