Oh yeah, Sara!! What a great analogy!! There are no perfect relationships ... if you can't fix what went wrong in the first marriage, then you're probably screwed in future relationships, too. They think the problem is the person they married, but most of the time it's how they are interacting with that person.
HopeFF, have you asked your wife why she did a 180 on the R? You know now that there may be someone else in the picture, but wonder what she would say if you asked her. Are either of you in IC? I'm sure a good IC would point out that there are no perfect relationships. She's going to find out the hard way...
Sounds like you're doing a good job at GAL though.
It all seems too obvious to me and also to all the other folks on these boards that are trying to keep the marriages and families intact. It just seems that the WAS's in general don't want to put the effort in to maintaining a relationship. The want the instant gratification and are so self righteous about getting happiness at the expense of others.
As far as counseling... We have been going to joint counseling. Although she is nice and all, she has been focusing on past issues (childhood), that while relevant to the situation, we haven't been identifying things to fix us going forward. I want to change the counselor, but now I'm thinking it is a little late. We have a session scheduled next week, but now W is not interested in attending. Her attitude now is "what's the point, I've decided"
I like to think that I'm doing a good job at GAL, but this whole situation gets me so down so often. I just keep going back to why? How did things just change so drastically five months ago? Things were good, not great, but enjoyable and pleasant. Maybe I was just closing my eyes to some of the issues. Just don't know how someone can just want to through this all away just because it wasn't perfect. How can they not realize that it will never be perfect?
hope, sorry that you were wandering the house. Night time can be so rough.
I can't believe your W. She is very caught up in her happy moments (so she thinks), that you are now her hinderance to happiness. I don't mean to be mean, just thinking like the aliens think. If she is anything like my H, she will also be rewriting history a bit as well, to make her case even stronger.
I am so sorry. I can see your reasoning for snooping. Heck, I can understand everyone's reason for snooping, we feel out of control, powerless at times. We are being lied to, so we go to look for answers.
Please take care, and know that right now, all you can do is take care of yourself and your kiddos, and try to do some thinking, if you want her back, what you need, etc. HUGS
I decided to not mention anything about the text messages. I can't say for certain that there is something inappropriate going on there and it would only be interpretted as pursuing and pressuring if I did ask her about it.
I was putting something away in my W's car last night and noticed a bag with some paperwork in it. Curiosity got the better of me, so I took a look at what it was. Turned out to be printouts of my DBing posts. I've been posting on here for months, but a few weeks ago had changed my account because I knew that she had been reading my posts. It was okay at the time, and I actually encouraged it, but decided it would be better to keep these posts a little more private.
So last night while watching TV, I asked her if she had been looking at my DBing posts recently. She said no. She had looked, and had noticed that I had stopped posting (with my other account) a couple of weeks ago. She figured I had changed my name, but said that she hadn't read anything new.
I confronted her about the paperwork in her car and that I knew she had been reading my recent posts at which point she got pretty mad. I thought that I hadn't posted anything from the home computer, but I guess I had since she was able to find the new posts from my history. (stupid me)
I don't remember the exact dialog, but she started talking about how this site makes her angry when she reads it and how the people on here come across as needy and desperate. We are clinging to false hopes and fueling each other's fires with our misguided advice. (Sara, she especially liked your recent post comparing new relationships to pretty, wrapped presents) She was also hurt by the terrible things that I said about her in my posts (I think I've been pretty light) and couldn't believe that I would say things about her like this...
Quote:
The want the instant gratification and are so self righteous about getting happiness at the expense of others.
She then mentioned the text messages that I saw the other day and said that it was just a friend from HS that talks to a couple of her other friends also from HS. She says there is no EA happening there, but doesn't expect me to believe her.
We talked a little about what the expectations are for the mediation tomorrow. She said she's waiting to see what the mediator has to say as far as splitting up assets. She seems surprised and hurt that I (and my family) might think that she will try and screw me financially. She simply wants for both of us to be happy.
At least you are communicating. That is the most important thing. Sorry if I gave her ammunition against you. Certainly not my intent.
Have you considered going to a Retrouvaille or Imago weekend? If you two have open communication a lot can be accomplished there. The retrouvaille website is http://www.helpourmarriage.com. While falling in love with someone new is a lot of fun, sometimes it is easier to get the kind of marriage you want by fixing the one you have. At least you are not surprised when you unwrap the package.
HFF, They hate it when you catch them in a lie, don't they? Actually I read somewhere that wasn't a good thing to do! But I've done it myself. I guess we all want to know if there is any chance they can be honest with us again.
Do you know how to clear your browser history? Doing that erases every site you've been to. How to do it varies with the computer/browser you use but you can find the info online. Make sure you clear your passwords, too.
I do this every time on on DB. My H knows that I 'get support' online but he has no idea what. I consider it my personal therapy so I don't want him to see. Plus, my D uses my laptop at home so I definitely keep it cleared for her sake!
We went to the initial session for mediation yesterday. Nothing was signed at this point. It was really just for introductions and to get us familiar with the process. Funny thing after we did the introductions, the mediator asked "so you are both here because you want to get a divorce?" I said, well not really. She's wants that, but I'm not completely convinced that is the best solution. He then asked if we had done counceling which we have and suggested that we try at least one more time. He went on to talk about the kids and how they should be our main concern through this process. Talked a little bit about what the process would be and a little about how the finances would work.
I guess it was a good meeting overall. As long as we can both work on coming to an agreement, it seems to be a better approach than litigation. It is much less formal and we can still get feedback from our individual attorneys to make sure everything is being done equitably.
Originally Posted By: Sara
At least you are communicating. That is the most important thing. Sorry if I gave her ammunition against you. Certainly not my intent.
Sometimes more sometimes less on the communication. I think we've both gone a little dark for the past few weeks. I kind of liked your comparison to presents. Not sure why that one bugged her so much, but I actually got a bit of a kick out of it.
Originally Posted By: Sara
Have you considered going to a Retrouvaille or Imago weekend? If you two have open communication a lot can be accomplished there.
We had a short discussion last night about expectations going forward and I brought this up again. We had planned on going to one or the other, but we have since dropped this. I was talking about different options and how housing would work out. I would like to keep the home, but don't know if is financially possible especially if I am required to buy out her equity. We were talking about how assets would be split and how to make it fair to both of us. I mentioned that I didn't want things to be uneven, but at the same time this is her decision to leave, so I didn't think it was fair that I should be forced to sell the house and leave. I then asked about other scenarios besides the mediation. Could we separate for a period of time or even continue living together like we have for the past few months? She said I was only bringing up the living together because I still hoped that she might change her mind and she didn't see any benefits to a separation. There is a Retro session in our area in January and I suggested that we could try this before going through with something as final as divorce. She didn't seem to be absolutely against the idea, but did say that if she didn't agree to it then I would hold that over her as her not having tried to fix our marriage. I guess at this point, I do pretty much feel that way, so her not going to Retro would not really change my feelings. If she did go though, I would feel much better knowing that she / we had tried.
Originally Posted By: Sara
While falling in love with someone new is a lot of fun, sometimes it is easier to get the kind of marriage you want by fixing the one you have. At least you are not surprised when you unwrap the package.
There you go with the present analogy again. She's gonna be pissed if she reads this.
Originally Posted By: JoieDeVivre
They hate it when you catch them in a lie, don't they? Actually I read somewhere that wasn't a good thing to do! But I've done it myself. I guess we all want to know if there is any chance they can be honest with us again.
Yeah, probably not the best strategy on my part and it sucked to hear her directly lie to me. It's one thing to keep things secret or to just omit some details but it hurt to hear her tell me with such a straight face what I knew was a lie. Personally, I suck at trying to get away with lies. My expression always gives me away.
Originally Posted By: LWB
Busted!!! Well, we might be clingy and needy, but we don't have affairs and lie to our spouses.
Yes, we're a terrible bunch.
Originally Posted By: LWB
hope, please don't stop posting. Hope the meditation went well.
I don't plan on stopping. She asked last night if I had changed my account on here again, but did say that she didn't want to look at it anymore.
