didn't find them -- did you email them to me? I'm not a member of Myspace, so I don't know what all I have access too either.
Journaling,
D4 had her B-day party Saturday at a place called Monkey Dooz, and she and her friends had a blast! They got their hair done, nails painted, make-up put on, played dress up, drank foo-foo drinks, etc. They were all so cute, and it was so much fun to watch! I took lots of pictures, and eventually wore out the battery.
W didn't bring her BF, so that elephant wasn't in the room (though I would've been okay with it -- more awkward for W and him, I think). W was just "there" -- didn't talk with her sisters or stepmom hardly at all. She did help run the cake eating and present opening, but I handled most everything else, like parent-welcoming and activity organization. I didn't talk with W unless it was necessary, and she reciprocated this behavior. A lot of emotional distance from both of us, I think.
Toward the end of the party, W seemed to be getting restless and impatient, and when we all packed up and left, W helped get the kids in my truck, quickly told them goodbye and said that she "had to go," like she had something else she needed to get to. I was disappointed in her for this, because it was D4's b-day, and W shouldn't have made plans that interferred with D4's special day. I ignored it, though, and we said goodbye to each other and parted ways.
I've felt like I've let go a few times since DBing, but over the last few weeks I've actually come to KNOW that I'm there. I'm honestly to the point where if W did want to come back, I'm really not sure if I would take her back (and I truly feel this way now). We've been separated for over a year now, and our D will be final Dec 7th. I've made many changes that were necessary, and I'm very proud of that. I've also come to realize that W is a very emotionally distant person and always has been, and as a result I'm not sure if I really want her back. I want someone who is able to communicate their feelings; someone who is nurturing and family-oriented; someone who is responsible; etc. My W does not have these qualities, and the more I question my reasons for wanting her back, the more I realize that they honestly aren't reasons that justify the attempt. Until she is able to reflect and make changes in herself, I don't want her back anymore.
Also, there has been so much distant created between us over the last year, I don't know how we could come back together. I don't feel close to her at all anymore. I feel like we are acquaintances and nothing more. If I so choose, I can/will find someone that can fill my love tank and keep it full. I will be patient, and let it happen if it is to happen. I will not force it, put on blinders, etc. In the meantime, I will do for me and my kids, and I'm finally okay with that. I now know with all my heart that life does go on, and that it will go on happily. Time heals the wounds, and though I know that my wounds aren't completely healed, they're very much on their way and I will be just fine!
