The funny thing about my and xh agreeing that, for the sake of appropriate boundaries, we need to stop ML...
....well...
It turns out, that's like gasoline on a fire. Whoops.
I'm not that upset that I caved to sex with him. (More than once. Yikes.) I'm more upset with not being able to stick with my "I won't be intimate knowing the guy is emotionally hung up on someone else." Ugh.
On the positive side, xh and I had a pleasant enough weekend. The tension from my doing all the pushing last weekend has pretty much worn off. Also on the positive side, xh made several comments to the effect that he's been thinking about what I had to say, and that he's feeling very stressed about it. He told me yesterday that he's "too" (his word) attached to JD, and that he can't "physically" (also his word) give her up yet. (Interesting that he said "yet".)
He also mentioned, when were discussing how we really shouldn't continue to ML, that he needed to wait "until at least one loose end is tied up." I didn't ask him to clarify.
Other odd tidbits:
xh is worried that he's "running out of time." He's afraid he's getting "too old," that he can't keep playing around, and wants to be settled and have a family. (Um? Hello?)
He also told me that he's much less interested in his motorcycle. (He got it last summer, mid-crazyness, from his brother. Was a pain to get it across country.) He said he still likes it, but doesn't get the same feeling of freedom he used to. He says he worries something may happen to him, and just thinks of DS while riding.
xh also told me he is dreading his mother coming out here. He's had little contact with his family the last year. While he is letting her stay temporarily at his place, he keeps saying how he's not ready for them--that he's changed, they haven't, and it frustrates him because they expect him to behave in the same old ways. I wonder how much of this applies to me, as well? It echoes his "I'm different" protestations when I say certain things.
I told xh my parents are planning on coming out to visit for a couple of months, probably in January. They are retired, and have purchased an RV. They, uh, also don't realize that we're are D. Yes, part of that is that I just didn't want to deal with that. Part of it was...I stopped telling them about my M a few years back, since it only served to create useless drama. And mostly, I had this plan for how to approach it that I felt was going to get the result I wanted, and that situation hasn't presented itself yet.
Anyway, I could see xh's anxiety. He even commented that he clearly worries more about their reaction than his own family's. He asked how I was going to handle it, what I was going to say. (My plan is to give as few details as possible, leave it very matter-of-fact, and show them that he and I are clearly getting along well.) xh also gave me permission to tell my mother about some of his nastier issues. He said it would be all right, as he doesn't want her (them?) to hate him. I was very surprised by this. He also kept asking what my mom thought of how he's doing school. It really felt like he was wanting her (genuine) approval.
I didn't do much besides listen and validate his feelings. I feel I interjected enough last week. Now, it's his turn to think and talk.
Also spent a lot of time thinking over the weekend. Months ago, I heard a shrink speaking on the radio about types of friends. She said that true, longterm friends are rare, and should be treasured. (My friendship with D falls in this category.) She also said that some friendships, such as the short, intense kind, are based on one common problem--and are designed to help us work through that problem. Once the problem is resolved, any basis for friendship is dissolved, as there is no other common ground. These friendship will fade, and that is okay, because the lesson has been learned.
I suspect JD may this type of friendship. (And xh has confused it for romantic feelings.) JD is married to a controlling nutjob; xh would routinely accuse me of being controlling. (All I ever asked was that he act like a husband. Believe, I bent so far the other way, I afraid that I might be controlling, that I turned into a doormat.)
Anyway. I really shouldn't concern myself with it. It's out of my hands, anyway. Any sort of judgment I may have is just condescending of his feelings, and is therefore inappropriate.
Also, after chatting with a friend (and reading through some of the MLC threads), I wonder how much of xh's keeping the remaining space is in part because I'm not letting him get closer. It's something to think about, and something I should pay more attention to.
Yes, part of that is that I just didn't want to deal with that. Part of it was...I stopped telling them about my M a few years back, since it only served to create useless drama. And mostly, I had this plan for how to approach it that I felt was going to get the result I wanted, and that situation hasn't presented itself yet.
