Walk Away Wife - My Sitch

[bhopeful]

7 Weeks 4 Days and 16 Hours

First let me say that I have never known this deep of pain in my life. I've dealt with loss and heartache before, but I've never had to deal with this level of emotional suffering. I feel ill-equipped to deal with my situation. I find it hard to even breathe at times. She was and is the love of my life and I adore her. She seems to be a different woman now though. On to my sitch.

I had left for the weekend to go camping with my parents. She was supposed to come too but ended up having to work. When I got back home Sunday afternoon she wasn't home so I called her. She said that she was shopping with her mother and was very short with me on the phone. When she got home she didn't seem herself and was really distant from me. I found this odd since I hadn't seen her in a few days. I tried to engage her in conversation but to no avail. She had been increasingly moody in the past month or so, so I let her be and watched some football. About an hour went by and I was getting hungry so I asked her what she wanted for dinner and we decided on fast food. On the way there, she told me that she was thinking about staying with her parents for a while. She said that she needed time to find herself. She wasn't happy and that she was bringing me down. Now that is the truth. When she would get down, I would let her mood affect me too which in turn affected her mood. It would become a downward spiral until one of us would eventually come out of it. In the past months leading up to this she would increasingly spend time with friends and would purposely not include me. I realized that I missed a bunch of signs and my behavior was not helping any. I became increasingly needy and demanding of her time and wanting to know her where abouts and what she was doing. I wish that I had read The Divorce Remedy months ago. It might have changed the outcome.

She moved in with her parents and for the first month seemed to still want contact with me. I know that I became desperate and even more needy. I was calling and emailing her constantly telling her how much I missed her and loved her. She would always say that she loved me, but never that she missed me. She would come to me to complain about her parents and the control that they were exerting over her while she was staying there. I always tried to comfort and console her. I could tell that she wasn't getting what she needed by staying at her parents place, so I encouraged her to get her own place. At first, this seemed to be the best move that she could make, but now I'm regretting my decision. I told her that I would help with the bills that I could.

She pays her own rent and any expense related to the apartment and her car payment. I pay for student loans, credit cards, cell phone, insurance and of course the house that we bought together and the pets that we have. In all, I figure that I cover at least a third of her monthly expenses.

After she moved into her own place, she started to really distance herself from me. Also at this time I had found The Divorce Remedy and was starting to put it's practices into place in my life. For some reason, the Last Resort Technique spoke to me, so I stopped pursuing her and waited for her to contact me. I went from talking or email her almost daily to only hearing from her once a week. She seems to like to call on Sunday nights. When she does call, I try to keep the conversation light and don't bring up the relationship at all. After last Sunday's call she wouldn't hang up until she said "I love you". I find it comforting that she says that, but I'm not really sure what she means by it. Does she love me like a husband? I'm not sure.

Now, I know were not supposed to spy, and I've been trying to be good, but I logged into my myspace page today so that I could look at hers. She took me out of her top friends and changed her relationship status to "Swinger". I also seen on there that she's been spending a lot of time with friends and a lot of them are guys. She goes to the bar a lot. I don't think that she's cheating on me, but I can't rule out the possibility. I feel desperate and alone.

I've made some positive changes in my life. I don't really drink anymore (not that it was ever a problem, but I feel depressed and I think that it would only lead to problems). I've lost weight. I started volunteering at a charity. I started a yoga class. I try to stay positive and only do positive things in my life, but it's hard when you feel like this. I also don't know how to show her the changes that I've made. She moved about a half hour away and since we don't have any kids there isn't any reason for her to see or contact me. I could really use some advice and encouragement. I broke totally down today and ended up calling in sick to work.

Together - 10
Married - 7
Me - 29
Her - 28
No kids
2 Dogs and 1 Cat

[bhopeful]

I think that the hardest part of all this is that we used to be each others best friend up until a month ago. Even after she moved out she still considered me her best friend. Now I'm not even sure that I'm considered more than a casual acquaintance. We used to do everything together. Now that's gone. She's always had more friends than I have and the ones that I know that were hers to begin with don't talk to me. I feel like I've lost a lot. She was more than a wife to me.

I think that the hardest part of all this is that we used to be each others best friend up until a month ago. Even after she moved out she still considered me her best friend.

Give it some time - It sounds like she is hanging onto you at a friend, which is a positive thing. There isn't much you can do other than roll with it and follow her lead. Sometimes it's more important to be the person they need you to be, than to be the person you want to be - You don't know if in a month or two when she has a bad time who she is going to turn to. If you can be the person she needs, then she might come to you rather than go to someone else. I seem to be the only person that my W tells her real feelings to anymore - I know that her friends and stuff don't get to hear all the details about her life. I'm sure there are things that she leaves out for me, but she'll tell me about how she feels about moving, how she feels about herself and stuff like that.

Give her some time to figure herself out, then she may come to you - She pretty much has no clue what she wants, what she feels or what she is thinking about. Her feelings and desires will change from one day to the next, so be prepared for a lot of ups and downs.

[bhopeful]

Thanks for the encouragement Brit. I actually read through most of your thread yesterday, so I know where you're coming from. It's hard because I've always been the one that she's turned to and she's been the one for me as well. I have a few close friends but none that give me the kind of advice that I need. They all want me to move on and be done with it. I'm thinking that I would like to find a counselor, but I'm not sure how to find one that's solutions based. I do find it encouraging that she feels the need to call me or email me every once in a while. It's hard for me to recognize and rejoice in the small accomplishments, but I know that I need to.

Thanks for the encouragement Brit. I actually read through most of your thread yesterday, so I know where you're coming from. It's hard because I've always been the one that she's turned to and she's been the one for me as well. I have a few close friends but none that give me the kind of advice that I need. They all want me to move on and be done with it. I'm thinking that I would like to find a counselor, but I'm not sure how to find one that's solutions based. I do find it encouraging that she feels the need to call me or email me every once in a while. It's hard for me to recognize and rejoice in the small accomplishments, but I know that I need to.

You'll find that most friends don't understand - Mine all tell me to kick the b***h to the curb and move on. As far as finding a counselor - I think there is something on the DB site about finding one, so you might want to have a poke around. I find that folks here are a reasonable substitute when it comes to wanting experience based advice on dealing with your W. We're not experts by any means, but we're going through the same stuff.

Don't be surprised if when you back off, she contacts you more. They like to do things on their terms and in their own time, even if it doesn't make any sense to you.

You're going to have to get used to the fact that she right now is emotionally and mentally incapable of being the person to support you, but you need to be prepared to support her. The instant you put any of your problems or stress onto her, you'll be back to square one with the whole thing.

[bhopeful]

Don't be surprised if when you back off, she contacts you more. They like to do things on their terms and in their own time, even if it doesn't make any sense to you.

I tried backing off the past few weeks and only talk to her when she contacts me first. It seems to be just the opposite to what you said though. She contacts me less as more time goes by. She seems to be detaching more the more I detach. Her birthday is next week and I really want to call her and ask her if I can take her to dinner. I don't know if I should though or not. I got up enough courage last night to call. When I talked to her she was busy so she said that she couldn't talk, so I didn't get a chance to ask her. I'm afraid that she'll say no. I know that I need time and patience, but they are so hard to give when it feels like it's all slipping away.

[lizzy]

I think that the hardest part of all this is that we used to be each others best friend up until a month ago. Even after she moved out she still considered me her best friend. Now I'm not even sure that I'm considered more than a casual acquaintance. We used to do everything together. Now that's gone. She's always had more friends than I have and the ones that I know that were hers to begin with don't talk to me. I feel like I've lost a lot. She was more than a wife to me.

I understand the best friend part being so hard. My H and I used to be best friends. When we were first married we moved half way across the country for his grad schooling. I made some friends but he never really did anything w/out me. Now he finally has "Friends" but they are female. (his 2 EA's) He actually told me the one is his best friend, so I feel your hurt. I see us slowly becoming friends again, and sharing laughs. I am hoping that it will continue to grow.

I really recommend the solution based C. I just got lucky in that the one I picked was one.

[WAWed]

Hey bhopeful, it's great that you've found your way here and great that your hopeful.

What are you doing for you? What are you doing to try and pick yourself up?

[PMA_Baby!]

Hey hope - U are doing everything right man. You will here it said over and over again on this board that "PATIENCE" is the name of the game. U giving her space is what she needs. She is just using that space. Eventually, she will take up some of the slack in the rope u gave her. It's a constant tug of war. Only if u pull back that is. Give her as much slack as u can. And wait on her terms to take it back. I've been playing this game for almosts 9 mons now. I have made plenty of mistakes. My latest one being that I told her that I wont want to be her friend once we are D'd and seperated. That was just my hurt and resentment talking. I felt I couldnt be her friend and not her husband because of my feelings, but like Brit so wisely stated that was my putting my problems on her. I just was talking about this yesterday. About resentment. Here's a great quote that has helped me tremendously. “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Malachy McCourt
Even though my waw cheated on me and still might be having an EA/PA I need to let it go. The past is the past. I loved how another member EAA stated it yesterday about Forgiveness
"Forgiveness is sooooooo important. But it doesn't mean you have to forget. Forgiveness just means accepting that the past has already occurred and cannot be changed by anyone. Your W cannot change the past and neither can you...So let it go. That's really all there is to it. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you can't learn from the past. It doesn't mean that you have to forget. It doesn't mean that you must put up with repeat behavior. It simply means accepting that the past cannot be changed." He's right. It's that simple. We feel so hurt and so betrayed when our spouse leaves that we are blinded by that and keep from going after our goal of reconsile or becoming the person we want to be. That's why detaching w love, and letting go are so important. Once a lot of this boards members reach that level is when things have.

God Speed. Broken

[bhopeful]

Thank you all for the kind words of wisdom. I'm sorry that I took so long getting back to you. I spent the weekend GALing. Actually I like to think of it as GAPLing (Getting a Positive Life). Some of my "friends" would have me drowning in alcohol and at the bar every night. While this would get me out of the house and meeting new people, it's not what I want to be. So, I spent Friday night with my brother watching movies. Saturday, I helped a friend install a car stereo. Sunday, I went to church and had dinner with my parents. My WAW tried calling me Saturday night, but I was watching a movie with a friend, so I didn't answer. She tried again Sunday afternoon, but again I didn't answer. I finally called her back Sunday night and she said that she was just calling to see how I was doing. I tried to keep it light, but stupid me forgot all of the DB rules and brought up some changes that she made to her myspace page (See my earlier post). She claimed that her new relationship status of "Swinger" was an inside joke with someone and didn't have anything to say about removing me from her top friends. I replied by telling her that I was done logging into the website. Realizing my mistake, I backed off and just left it at that.

I also made the mistake of bringing up some money that she owed me. She hasn't set up a bank account, so to pay bills she deposits money into my (once our) checking account and I write out the checks. She had two bills do last week that I paid without her having deposited the money. While I had the money to cover them, it left me without much until this Friday. I felt that I had to bring it up and she got pretty defensive about it.

I also asked her about taking her out to dinner for her birthday (Friday). She said that she had a friend coming into town that night, but maybe Saturday or Sunday. She suggested earlier in the week to which I responded that I was busy every night. So, we'll see if we actually go out. It's been three weeks since I've seen her.

I told her last night that I hoped that she was finding peace in her life and that I was making positive changes in mine. I haven't told her all of the things that I've been getting involved in since that isn't what DB tells you to do. I'm also not sure how to show her the changes in my life since I don't see her and don't have much contact. In some ways I feel like last nights conversation was a failure on my part. I feel like I back peddled a ways. There were no ILYs last night as there had been the week before. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. After all, she was the one who initiated contact with me, so she must have been thinking about me...
Peace to All, B