OT - good point. It's about learning and growing and impressing myself at the moment. Good to keep it that way.
I went to bed way too late so I only have a few minutes to post then off to the baby shower - but I just had to post this because I was blown away this morning. I slept in our bed last night - I know I need to get moved into my new room but I'm not quite there yet. Since the last bomb we've been sleeping in the same bed with basically the grand canyon in between us. Once in awhile H will roll over and touch my arm or something, but that's been about it. This morning, his alarm went off and he scooted over right next to me, gave me this huge snuggle/hug and held me really close. I didn't reciprocate but didn't pull away either, didn't know what to think but I did enjoy it. (was also still extremely tired so I didn't even open my eyes, I'm not sure if he even realized I was awake)
He got up, got ready for his class, came in to say bye to me. I was still half asleep, mumbled something about have fun and learn a lot. He commented on how I got home really late and must be tired, I said yeah planning to sleep a bit longer. He gave me a hug and stood there for a minute - my eyes were closed as I was working on going back to sleep. Then he said "I love you." It's been MONTHS since he said this, so it was not a force of habit before going out the door thing.
Wow.
I didn't know how to respond. I DO love him at a deep level but I haven't been exactly "feelin' the love" lately. Hard to explain. I think it's finally ACTUALLY reaching "lovingly detached" instead of "too attached" or "pissed off detached". I faked being more asleep than I really was at that point and softly mumbled "mmmm you too."
I know not to read too much into it and don't worry - I'm not getting all sucked back into the craziness, the boundary-less-ness, all that. It doesn't change anything in terms of my plans right now. But still, wow.
Last edited by NikkiB; 11/11/0706:02 PM.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
LOL good for you! Geez, now I feel the pressure because I live in the county next to Sonoma and I usually take the kids to the Plaza on the weekends. Inching closer! It is truly one of my favorite places in the world and I need to reclaim it.
I am so proud of the improvements you and Morgan have made. I am now inspired to create wealth and romance through feng shui in my bedroom and home now.
I came downstairs and found my S2 hanging from the curtains and I cried because I knew that meant I was going to have to go into "his" garage and go through "his" tools and try to rehand the curtains. Hear me roar.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Not surprising that your H said ILY. As was pointed out (by OT, I think), he is gonna be into you and the R now that you've provided that distance he is comfortable with.
Stay strong for yourself.
Can you share with us a little about what it looks like for you to make the move to your room? You know, you *can* keep working on "finishing" it while you sleep there at night. You've got the bed. Do you want or need any help preparing for your H's reaction?
You are in the driver's seat, and handling things well. Keep both hands on the wheel and keep your eyes on the road up ahead.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Regarding your separation, I think you are definitely on the right track! On your last thread, I posted:
"Nikki - Considering that H just gave you the ILYBNILWY bomb last month after all this time of piecing, it just seems that you need to do something decisive to take care of yourself. Whether its retrouvaile, separation, or ultimatum, it seems that otherwise the present situation will just erode your soul."
It just seems to me that what you need is the separation in order to give H the chance to experience his buried love for you and the possibility of loss. If you go through with the separation, IMHO you just might make it.
LL
Larry
M 63 W 40 M 4/91 S14/D9 bomb 7/6/07 D filed 8/3/07 final 2/4/08 thread
holy cow! that IS crazy! and it wasn't like he was tired since he got up and everything. Great thinking on pretending your half asleep... I think that was perfect.
I think he's gonna be pretty shocked when you move in the room now. why don't you give yourself a time limit on that? Or at least think about it. a goal to stay in that room for at least this many weeks or whatever. Cause he came back once before, and I see it happening all over again, cept this time he never left. So just in the event he acts like he wants you to stay in the big bedroom, I would say no, but that you would like to date him for a while instead. In the near future, this could be a great time to start flirting more, but not letting him get any.
This is really fun! I'm sorry... I just am very positive about your sitch, and I know it's been tough, but I know you are doing soooo good right now so it's okay for me to enjoy your greatness!
and what was that meat dish??? I love cooking, but I don't know anything about gourmet dishes.
if you DO decide to mix the colors...get a paper bowl or something and test it out by adding more and more yellow till you get the color you want. If you've been adding with a measuring spoon, it won't be too awefully hard to figure it out with the rest of the paint.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Okay, yes, wisdom says don't get sucked into it, but golly! that is so great. You're handling it great. I probably would be manic right now.
Who'da thunk? These WASs sure are a strange breed.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
You're a rock star, but then again you already knew that. Can't wait to see the pics!
BTW, this kind of detachment you have is about the same you need to keep even when your marriage is good. By that I mean that whatever H does, you have to keep it separate from you. Observe, enjoy or discard, and keep the focus on you. The only way it changes (I think) is by the way you're able to openly express your opinion and respond in kind--like a hug, or an ILY, or whatever.
Truly, I think not staying detached and focused on me is why I'm having such a tough time myself right now. Went out all weekend and GAL, and *I* feel better already.
Anyway, just wanted to tell you I can "feel" the energy you have, and it's good. Stay in that place. What H does or does not do is out of your hands and, really, has little or nothing to do with you anyway. Take care of you.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
ya, SD is right about continuing a sort of detachment. It is different though when M. A big difference is the expressing yourselves with one another, either physically or verbally, and actually loving each other. Loving = giving. the more you give of yourself to someone, the more you are loving them. You'll just have to find that balance, like you tried to before, but you never really had that true detachment in the first place.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
In the near future, this could be a great time to start flirting more, but not letting him get any. 