All hope is lost/help

[Evie]

Hi

Thank you for taking the time to read and post, it means much. I am confused and need all the help i can get, even if you do need to bash me around the head with 4 x 2.

Well I did leave my present with the kids to give to H, it was a practical present and not as over board as I would normally have gone. I haven't booked dinner or made a special breakfast or a birthday cake, all of which I would normally do. Girls emailed me to say H was emotional opening his cards and presents. The boys gave him a dvd and a framed photo of themselves.

I have my A in a month, I have bought a card, but not sure whether to give it to him or not yet. My birthday is also at xmas!! H has really disappointed me for my birthday for the last 2 years (huge effort for my 40th then nothing), so i decided to take control of it myself - i have bought tickets for the panto for the boys and myself and friends, then hopefully we'll go out for a meal. H knows i have a ticket for him also, but i've decided not to give it to him. New Year I am staying with H's brother and family a 100 miles away.

I have no expectations of him and I did have high hopes, I know he remains good friends with all of his x girlfriends. But I think the issues he may have with me, he may have had with his last x, she was looking for commitment and babies, he broke up with her and then got back together again and he said he realised when he got back with why he had finished with her, basically I think it boils down to issues in childhood and lack of communication skills.

When the bomb was dropped in May I tried to plan something every month for me and the boys/girls to look forward to. This was a 180 for me, as H always plans holidays etc.

I agree pretty much with everything you say. I have read the books but i'm struggling to set goals and work out what my repeat behaviour is. I thought I was doing a pretty good job with the PMA and I'm trying with the GAL. I have the wobbles when something comes up that throws me, normal i guess, but I realise that instead of rushing in I need to find a copying strategy. I know i obsess and over analyse, I always have done.

I haven't bolted the door on a reconcilation (i'm not sure I would want him back right now anyway, there are too many issues as far as i'm concerned). H didn't give me a reason what went wrong with him or the R, I don't talk about the R with him, apart from my slip the other day. The thing is H calls/email/texts me all the time and I don't understand why?? i asked the board for advice on this. I try and treat him as a friend and keep the connection by talking to him, (how could we recocile if we are not even friends?? I need to find a compromise of sorts here. I nearly always delay answering his calls or ignore them (today so far he has called 11 times). How can i distance and let him notice the changes in me or the r if he won't distance himself and keeps calling me?

We have sorted the visitation and finances out, but i agree that he needs to see 'the cost of his freedom'. I invite him to lunch every sunday, so that he can be involved in the family, but maybe I won't do it so often. Also, he will find a reason geniune or other to pop to the house. I don't like all this frequent contact, he seems to stock up on us and then returns to his solitude. I think your'e right and he does need to MISS us all a little more often.

Thank you for listening and posting

XD