Still trying to win WAW back (#2)

[DaveJ]

Not yet. I'll check tonight. Thanks!

Yeah, amazingly Archery is very relaxing. Very enjoyable even though I'm just working on targets. I still need to get my new sight adjusted and hopefully not blow out any more arrows in the process. :P Also gotta work on my right shoulder/arm muscles so I don't tire as easily when drawing the bow after a few rounds.

[DaveJ]

theforlornhope, I got your package. Thanks much!

[DaveJ]

So Saturday morning we are suppose to take the kids to get flu shots and then go to the state fair. From what the W has been telling me, we are going to evaluate the kids after the flu shot and then see whether we are going or go on Sunday instead. Well, Saturday morning at 7:30a I go in the bathroom and get ready. Come out see text from W asking if we are going to the fair right after the shots. Uh...ok...call up W, says can you pls print out directions to the fair because I don't have that and I'm on my way. It takes about 15mins to get to our house from where I'm staying. It is 7:45a and I'm suppose to be there by 8a. Here grumbling from W on the other end about how I didn't have everything ready. Get there, S still not dressed, D still not up. W is all ready. (Oh and she commented later on that I didn't notice she had eye shadow on, pink eye shadow when she has rosatia, like I'd notice...). So I went and got D ready, gave her her milk, finally got S dressed and ready. At this time we are only 2mins away from appt that's 10min drive. W is all bent out of shape. She always gets angry when things don't go exactly she thinks they should. Doesn't deal with changes well. Anyways, on the drive there, she noticed that D's shoes are the wrong ones. My mistake. She realizes that I didn't give D any food to eat with her milk. Of course my mistake even though I was trying to get S ready. She proceeds to tell me that she can never depend on me for anything and for once I would just have everything taken cared of. Even we aren't together anymore I'm still the same old way. Nothing has changed.

Ok, fine. I didn't have the directions, my mistake. I thought I had time since W previously indicated that we aren't going right after the shots. I suppose I should've told W in the morning that that's what we are still doing. I mistakenly thought she wants to leave right after so I consented. Big mistake I suppose. The rest? We are human and we make mistakes in a rush. Was that really called for? She even had time to put eye shadow on that morning when she knows we are in a rush when she has never used eye shadow for as long as I've known her? I'm the one that showed up 15 mins later and got the kids ready.... All she did was got her makeup on and got directions....

Am I really not dependable?

I am so tired of being told I can never be counted on just because I make little mistakes here and there. I'm not perfect and I may not be that dependable in the past. But I'm really trying and this is rediculous. It's like unless I'm perfect she'll find something to pick on. How do you even deal with something like that? When they are so biased and closed off that they only see the negative in you and never the positives. Like I got the kids ready, I remember to put the wagon in the minivan, I got them all loaded up. I remembered to take water for them.

It's like the more she treat me like that the more hopeless I become. It's like I'll never be good enough for her to take back because that's all she sees. The past.... She never sees anything positive in me..... Just the same that she isn't wanting to even try to believe that I feel differently about her.

[Sara]

Don't sweat it, Dave. Even if you were perfect she would criticize you anyway. It's her personality trait. If you lived at home, 2 people could have gotten up early and gotten the children ready and found the directions. She made this hard. I've said before, until you let her stew in how difficult life is without you she will never appreciate what you do to help her.

[DaveJ]

Just thinking...is there any way to approach the W about things she does/says that hurts me now? It seems when I do that she automatically goes into the we are talking about R again and flips on the anxiety and anger mode. Or am I just suppose to let them slide and keep peace? I just don't want to be a doormat but at the same time I do not want to trigger her to make things worse. Every time that happens we seem to be getting further apart. Last week we are doing well and then this weekend, a conversation that turned bad seems to have set us way back. Even though we agreed we should just let it go, pretend it never happened, and move on, I doubt she will. She has never been good at letting things go....

[theforlornhope]

Just thinking...is there any way to approach the W about things she does/says that hurts me now?

You mean besides this whole divorce thing?

Seriously though, that's a difficult area. I'm in the same exact place with my STBXW. I'm new to this like you but I'll tell you what I am doing.

Anything you say to her about it will probably cause her to feel guilt, or make her feel like you're telling her what to do. She'll respond poorly as you've no doubt noticed.

There does come a time to set boundaries, but first,...

If there is a particular behavior/action which occurs that hurts me, I examine it for reasonableness. (unless I fly off the handle like I did two weeks ago.)

Is it something that a woman might say or do in a normal marriage but only hurts me now because of where we are in this thing called divorce?

So far, the answer for me has usually been yes, that's a reasonable thing to say, although terribly insensitive.

I've stopped expecting her to be sensitive. The only S feeling I see or expect anymore is Selfish.

So, for the most part, I overlook these things and try really hard not to let a conversation falter, or a positive sit turn bad.

About setting boundaries, I am approaching this as something I will do if it is a repeated hurtful thing.

An example for me is my wife repeatedly bringing up how great another couple is doing in their marriage after skirting this same disaster. If she keeps doing that, I might say something like "I'm glad for them, but hearing about that right now just emphasizes our situation and I find that hurtful. Please try not to bring that up with me." Because this is certain to cause a poor response, I won't do it unless I have to.

I think that certain repeated actions rather than subjects are more important in boundary setting. e.g. not picking up the kids, treating you disrespectfully in front of the kids, being really nasty to you, etc.

These types of things I would set a boundary on much faster if they are repeated.

One thing I am struggling with is my STBXWs expectations that I treat her like my wife while she doesn't treat me as a husband.

A lot of this is nitpicking on both of our parts, so until something big comes up, I'll probabaly leave it alone.

I'm supposed to be acting "as if."


Something I'm learning about this too is that they literally can't be sensitive about things because they have turned off the part of them that cares about us.

It sucks, but it is what it is.

[DaveJ]

Just some minor updates. W today admitted that one of the things she is stressed out about is about all the things she has to deal with. She says that she now realizes how much I actually did when we were together and how much I still do when I'm at the house. She actually admits that she really took me for granted for all the stuff I did. She said she realizes that I do a lot more than what typical men would usually do. She also said that it is very hard for her to admit that. I'm not sure how this realization would do for her letting go of her resentment. But at least it's nice to know that I'm finally appreciated....

Also, tonight I actually got to chat with her a little bit. Didn't get shoved out of the house immediately after the kids went to bed. That's a nice change. Hopefully that's not just a one time thing. But I guess it is what it is....

[theforlornhope]

That sounds like a step in the right direction for her. Anything she sees positive about you is good right now. It seems to me that respect is the cornerstone that I lost with my STBXW. Getting that back has to come before any thing else will happen.

I'm glad you had a good night with her. Keep your expectations low though, it smooths out the ride.

[DaveJ]

Yeah I know what you mean about expectations. I forget which book I was reading but the author said he has extremely low stress and one of the things that contributed to that is having no expectations. Obviously that's a bit harder to do given our situations.

[DaveJ]

So....interesting "observation". W said she dreamed about me last night. Usually that means she had a nightmare about me. She doesn't have good dreams about me majority of the time. :P Usually it's always me cheating on her. I'm the most loyal person you'll find. Talk about her being insecure.... Consider she's the one that had the EA. I've never ever been untrue to her. Well, at least she's "thinking" about me.

Well, this one is interesting. She said she dreamed about me with a 19 year old. She said she can't make out the details and nothing is going on but just we are together. She said it bothers her a lot more than she thought it would compare to if she's awake. I just said, hmmmm maybe all those walls are down and you aren't conciously suppressing your feelings huh? She just brushed it off as it's just a dream.

Kinda interesting to observe that it really bothers her if I'm with someone else. A bit ironic don't you think since she's the one that insist on us breaking up and won't give us a chance, and she's the one that wants to go look for someone else. Also interesting that she dreams that I'm with somebody a lot younger. Maybe her insecurity is coming through with her thinking that I'll find somebody younger and supposedly better than her. I really hope it doesn't take me to find someone else for her to realize what she's losing. Sometimes I swear these WAS need a 2x4 to see things clearly as well.....