Well, I have to say, I am in the OT camp. I think your H knows exactly what he is doing and you, being the kind hearted and generous person that you are, are making excuses for him.
At the least he is hiding things from you, at the worst he is lying to you. Both are BIG red flags.
I am glad you are on top of this and I think it is fine that you snooped--you have been through enough BS and if this is the only way to find out the truth, then you need to keep that option open. You are no novice and know when snooping is just a paranoid obsession and when it is a survival necessity.
He is clearly seeking attention from this woman despite knowing the dangers that lie there, and also knowing how upset it would make you. Whether he realized what he was doing was dangerous, or she simply shot him down, my gut tells me he will try it again--if not with her, with someone else. I just don't buy the "he needs to feel he is helping people" thing. And calling her "sweetie" and sending "warm hugs" is in my opinion TOTALLY inappropriate and he might as well be saying "Let's get it on baby." It reminds me of the guy I used to be married to and his need to feel like the genius.
I hate to be cynic about cheaters, but my personal experience and my observations tell me that cheaters remain cheaters unless they go through extensive 12-step like therapy to stop being cheaters. Call it an addiction or what have you, but it does not stop because one affair ends. Dishonesty and secrecy are their weaknesses and when that starts up, trouble is a brewin'.
Oh mama, I hope you make it through this with your confused H--I know his disappointments with the jobs have been happening for a while now and this is likely contributing hugely to his depression. The good news is, you are doing great in your career and come what may, you will soar.
I do agree with Amy and think the best way to deal with "heading off" this storm is to prepare the upcoming difficulties. Hopefully he will be open to talking about these things and troubleshooting with you.
