What you're going through now sounds SO much like what J and I went through a couple of years ago. I understand so well the outrage you're feeling, the justification for your mistrust and anger. It can be overwhelming. I also "think" in understand what saffie was trying to say to you in her post.
There are two separate issues here. One is your H's infidelity, lying, sneaking, etc. Being angry at him for those things is reasonable. Going dark until he changes is reasonable.
Let me play devil's advocate here. IF you have a history of being angry and controlling with your H, he sees your current anger and behavior the same as you see him continuing the EA. You said you've changed, but the first bump in the road, and you revert back to the behavior that pushes him away. Yes, he's wrong to continue contacting her. But, what choice did he have? He's screwed up and addicted to OW. If he had come to you and said LMH, I'm having some trouble deciding what to do.. I'm confused and have contacted her. Would you have honored his honesty or would you have become angry and kicked him out right then and there?
I'm saying this because I've been where you are. My H moved back home and when I found out he had called OW, I woke him up from a nap to confront him. He became so angry at me that he left immediately and said "I'm glad you don't want me here.. all you try to do is screw things up for us anyway!" I felt very justified in my anger and could not see how far my behavior had pushed him over the years. Of course he was confused.. of course he was reaching out to OW and telling me he was committed at the same time. He needed someone to fall back on while he was feeling me out to see if I was going to make his life hell when he moved back home. She was his crutch.. nothing more. She was there for him unconditionally, I wasn't, in the short-term she won.
That's MHO from what I've been through. J could've stopped contact with her, been as true as can be and our R would still not have worked at that point. It took BOTH of us realizing where we failed and coming to terms with our demons. He used to lie, cheat, withhold affection.. you name it, he did it and I justified my anger and refused to change. One day I woke up and realized that I was going to find a reason to be suspicious, angry and unloving no matter what he did. I realized this because when he was gone and I was alone, I had no one to unleash my anger on but myself. It almost destroyed me. I finally decided to set down my weapons and figure out where that anger came from and start loving myself. I spent years feeling angry because no one could love me enough. It's hard to love someone who's just waiting for "proof" that they're unlovable. I'm not saying this is what you're doing, but it was a problem for me. I wanted to be loved, but I wanted it on my terms. I wanted to be loved, but wouldn't trust. I wanted change, but didn't forgive.
Anyway, not meaning to send a 2X4 that you didnt ask for. I feel for you because when I read your posts, it took me back a couple of years. It was such a hopeless place to be. If it helps at all. J and I are reconciled. It took a lot of space from our previous R (was too toxic!) and a lot of change by both of us. J had to heal and figure out how much his family means to him and I had to do the same. In the end, we've both had a lot to prove. I do know that nothing worked as long as he was the bad guy and I got to hold onto my anger because it was justified. And OW.. she was a blip on the screen. Sitting here now I can honestly say that his R with her was the least of our probs. As soon as I dropped the rope and stopped punishing him, he didnt need her anymore.
Take care of yourself LMH. I didnt mean to offend you with anything I wrote. I do understand your feelings and that you've been betrayed. I just want you to know that you get to choose what to do with it and how to handle the future.
