What a good year this has been.....

[forever21]

Hi Nikki,

Great hearing from you again!!!!

Good info on the fraud alert protection. Thanks for sharing that.

Yes, I am feeling MUCH better. Thank you!

I had a moment of feeling negative and depressive today when I opened an email from H. My feelings totally changed from good ones to feeling very cold. I had a much harder time than I've historically had at finding a nice way to say anything in response to him. I just didn't really care all that much. I recovered fine, but as Julie put it to me it just seems I am quite numb right now. That is it.... I feel very numb now when it comes to H.

Thanks for stopping by! You've been doing SO great, Nikki!!! I'll go check your thread again in hopes you've updated it.

(((((Nikki)))))

[Kman]

You're welcome, glad to help-

OK-

Do you think your first "option" would be effective enough by email?

Sure, since the information will be the same, I was just thinking that face to face might give you a little more insight. Doing it in the presence of the mediator sounds like a great idea too. There doesn't seem to be any rush on this from YOUR perspective, which is really the only one you need to consider at this point in time. And don't let that appraisal fly by the wayside, it's the most important document in the whole transaction...

Great - me? Hmmmm....we'll go with good for now, but you sound pretty good too. Glad to see it.

Kev

[forever21]

Kman... So glad to hear from you again!!!! Thank you!

You are SOOOOO helpful. I agree that face to face would be best. Yeah, I'm feeling rushed. You don't know how good it is to read your words of support on this not being a rush from my perspective. I know better, but H accused me of being stubborn and spiteful and even vindictive when I wouldn't talk to him last week. I see that he just uses that try to manipulate me and get me to do what he wants. He knows I wouldn't want to come across like any of those things. If I wanted to drag my feet on this, I wouldn't have called and scheduled a L consult until today... and I doubt I'd be getting in this week in that case. He just deposited the money for that into our account today, and only because there was a threat of me cancelling the appt if that didn't happen. Sorry, just venting.

I am feeling rushed though. I need to take your advice and believe that there isn't one.

About the appraisal... I'm glad you bring it up again.
If this is not my property to purchase, then wouldn't that be none of my business to check up on?
Do you have something in mind that I'm not thinking of?

Great - me? Hmmmm....we'll go with good for now, but you sound pretty good too. Glad to see it.

Haha. Good one. Yeah, I am doing pretty good, but you always sound pretty good too. What's goin' on, Kev? I wanna hear.


Okay, I'm gonna vent some more and be done with it ....
I received another email and text message from H today, and reading it just didn't make me feel good. I felt angry and resentful when I read it, and I have not replied. He's now text messaged me twice to get a response on my appt time. It's the only thing in the email I need to respond to, so I'll do that tonight. I've been feeling like the victim a lot lately, though I don't know how inaccurate that really is. That is where the anger comes from I'm guessing. It's nothing like I used to experience, but at least it's something more than just numb I guess. Another positive is it passes quickly because I'm able to just walk away from it.

On a positive note, I stayed up late last night for my movie and popcorn. Usually go with buttered popcorn but decided to make kettle corn in my Whirley Pop, and it was super yummy. Watched Vanilla Sky, since I was just picking from what is here and I couldn't remember it. It was entertaining enough, I enjoyed it. Dogs took turns laying next to me. We enjoyed the heat from the fire in the wood stove. Sure made it feel cold in the house today without that.

Wish me luck tomorrow at my appointment with the lawyer. If there is time leftover, I'll be getting info on D.

[Kman]

If this is not my property to purchase, then wouldn't that be none of my business to check up on?

Not a bad question, but then: If this were not your property to purchase, then why do you need to sign a quit claim, which the sole purpose is to remove the signer's claim to that property? Seems to me it's every bit your business...

Also, you may not know all the ins and outs of this transaction (because he's not to be believed), but what you DO know is that he really wants you to sign a quit claim if he is going to proceed. Therefore, by his own definition YOU are the one dictating the pace of how slow or fast this goes...

And do your best to let his spew roll of your back - he's just trying to dictate terms in a situation where he doesn't have the control (or the right) to.

And thanks for your post over on my thread! Haven't found an actual Peet's store, but did find it on the grocery shelf...

Kev

[forever21]

Thanks, Kman.

Not a bad question, but then: If this were not your property to purchase, then why do you need to sign a quit claim, which the sole purpose is to remove the signer's claim to that property? Seems to me it's every bit your business...

True enough. I'm sure there is more to be revealed. From what I understand, it is common for spouses to do this when they are separating or divorcing so the other doesn't have any claim to the property they are purchasing for themselves. But that isn't how this seems to be happening. That's not how H is going about this, there is no separation/D agreement. Instead, he said the loan's subject to him being M, he claims to pay off some of our debts with the equity, etc, etc. It really would be interesting to see a copy of the loan application that's actually going to be used.

Also, you may not know all the ins and outs of this transaction (because he's not to be believed), but what you DO know is that he really wants you to sign a quit claim if he is going to proceed. Therefore, by his own definition YOU are the one dictating the pace of how slow or fast this goes...

TRUE! I like how you put this. Thank you!!

And do your best to let his spew roll of your back - he's just trying to dictate terms in a situation where he doesn't have the control (or the right) to.

Thanks, I think I'm doing good at letting his spew roll off my back. You're right, he doesn't have the control or right to be dictating the terms he is trying to. I'm so thankful I know this. It's also so nice to hear this from someone else. When we were living together he got away with this sometimes. He would wear me down and just had to have whatever he wanted. Even when I wouldn't agree to things, he'd refuse to respect my feelings and go ahead with whatever. It is so freeing to know now that I wasn't crazy or difficult. To really know that.... it feels so good. To be standing back and observing this more like an outsider is so validating.

You're welcome! Thank YOU!! I figured you'd find Peet's at the grocery store. Woot!


I finally got to visit with my bro. He's been so busy lately, now that his girlfriend is back in country. He is so smart. That was so helpful too, to talk with him about this. Don't know what I'd do without you guys right now. After talking with him, I'm gonna send off that email requesting the contact information you suggested, Kman. My brother made a convincing argument to me to at least try to have that info with me when I see the L. He also reminded me that unless there's a clear advantage for me, not to do anything.

Thanks again!!!!!!! {{{{{Kev}}}}}

[sofaraway]

Hi J, community property states are interesting by the way. If you were to file for D, he then would be unable to make the home purchase at all as it binds you to not add to the financial debts of the marriage from the date of filing until the D is final.

Maybe let him know this and point out that if you were merely trying to be vindictive, that we be the route you would have gone.

I read through your posts since your return from Hawaii, I agree with Kev, somethings Fishy. I would be extremely careful as you proceed with this.

I hope all goes well with the L today. I will post more later when I have more time.

Ian

[forever21]

Thanks, Ian!!!!!

I don't have much time. Been running around all morning, in order to have a car to use. I wanted to post so I could dump a little and be calm for my appt. I just got this paperwork that H left for me, and it has my address at his brother's where he is living. Not that I was saying I'd sign this anyway, but jeesh. This is a real piece of work. I just don't need to let him get to me right now. He's called at least 3 times. After I told him NO, I would not talk with him. I don't even have time to listen to his stupid voicemails.

Okay. Thanks for the vent. I'll be back later.

Really appreciate your support. I know you're all here behind me.

[forever21]

Okay, I'm back. My appointment went really well. I really liked the attorney I met with. I left feeling good. He spent well over an hour with me. It felt so good to tell my story in person and feel supported by this professional. He didn't seem to try to paint a rosy picture, and nothing was surprising to me, and I just feel ready to move forward.

Ian......

Hi J, community property states are interesting by the way. If you were to file for D, he then would be unable to make the home purchase at all as it binds you to not add to the financial debts of the marriage from the date of filing until the D is final.

Well, I know friends who have done this through the use of quit claims. With our financial situation though, I don't think this would be a likely option for my H to do.

The L said "this is wrong"... the whole situation I am in. It is, I see that. I think I will probably retain him as my attorney and file for the big D. He has a great reputation, and I like him. Before today I'd read about all the awards and such that he's earned over the years, right up through this year... and he's been in practice for over 20 years. He could see that I can't really "afford" his services, but I can't afford not to have them. He sold me. I think he's a straight shooter. He didn't think my case would be settled with only the retainer, as that only covers about 10 hours but I know my family will have my back if I need. He also told me he'd be willing to let me pay by the hour if I wanted to, since I already got H to agree to mediation. I need help processing all this. He made it sound so easy when he shared with me what he'd do if he was me... but I don't feel like I grasped it. With my mental state, I may have to just let him handle it for me. Gonna let this process for a bit first.

As far as the quit claim goes, since that's what I went there for.... he thinks it's too risky. Towards the beginning of the appointment though, he wasn't saying that at all. The words coming out of his mouth were what I feared. He was saying he didn't see any reason why it'd be a problem. That isn't what my gut tells me, so this wasn't reassuring... but I stuck with him and he with me. And what he was saying made sense, but once he got more of the story and the full picture of our situation he started brainstorming more. He was giving my H the benefit of the doubt to begin with, but then realized the situation called for him to look at worst case scenarios. How I might get screwed over if I were to sign that.

Interesting, because where he was going with things is exactly what I got to thinking just last night. My brain had kicked into high gear and I'd read some stuff about D, and then bankruptcy. This is what the L thought was a possibility. H could get into this house and then just stop paying all the other bills including our mortgages. Some remarks from H, in addition to his actions, have made me aware that he could totally do this. I mean, he's been doing it to some extent already. If he decided to file for bankruptcy though, I'd be in a bad position. Likely forced to do the same. There's more of course but that's the gist of that.

Now I need help with taking the next step here with H. What I understood from my L's advice is to prepare something and do the mediation with H. Let him know that I have come up with what I think is a viable approach (after I've prepared, made a list of all our financial obligations, etc.), and that I'd like to present it to him. Tell him that we need to have something in place for our household before he purchases a separate property. Otherwise it seems too risky to me. I still may be able to use this to my advantage, but the bottom line is still that it could very well simply be... too risky.

Okay, more later. I have to go pick my Mom up.

I'm going to be just fine. I can see that.

[forever21]

Home now. Today feels so weird to me. So strange. It's such a mix of emotions.

I think I have been finally really letting go. And that's exactly what my Mom said she thinks. I talked to her for a good hour and a half this afternoon about appt with L and some of the sitch. I still have not revealed everything, but this is more than I've ever shared before... and I'd started to do this just before I took that trip a few weeks ago. I think that in and of itself was a sign that I was letting go. It's especially tough for me to share my sitch with my parents because they were not supportive of our R back when it started. (Yeah, not helpful.) My Dad doesn't get things straight, so very little is being shared with him still at this point. It just shows me where I'm at, since I could tell my Mom that much. Even though it was freeing and feels good, it was also not just an easy or completely comfortable conversation. Some things that came up were depressing, but I feel good about the way I handled them this time. It's been a bit rough lately, as my issues with my folks have come out more during all this. Today the L encouraged me to use the support that I have there, and I knew it was time to.

Okay... so, on a funny note... I was in the grocery store with my Mom tonight. While in line, I realized my wallet wasn't in my purse, I'd left it in my bag in the car. I had some cash but they usually card me, so she said she'd buy my alcohol for me. lol. Probably had to be there, it just seemed so funny to me. I really wanted my wine. It's the little luxuries that make all the difference right now.

I feel a little guilty for not getting back to H yet today. Not too much. I've just taken some mental health time for myself. I don't know how to tell him where I am at with this. I can't find the words.

Am I scared? Maybe. I don't really think I'm scared of saying no. I think I'm a little scared I won't put things as positively as I can, in order to open a door to negotiate. I tend to sound like the wet blanket. And that sabotages things.

I feel like it would be the polite and respectful thing to email or text him tonight. So, I want to come up with something for him.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[NikB]

f21 - you sound really good. I know what you mean, when you start letting go you share SO much more than you thought you would. Back when you were still more protective of your H and M. haha your story with your Mom cracked me up!! You didn't hafta be there.

Mental health time is good.

I am not much help on what to say right now - I'm sorry. I have no idea what I'd say.. what I WANT to say is so not a good idea so I'm not sure.