I posted this in the newcomers section but thought I would move it here as my sitch is about infidelity. Please any advice would be appreciated as I do not know whether I am being impatient or this is a normal sitch given the time span since it started.
I have been lurking for a few weeks and have read a huge amount of posts and read The Divorce Remedy and have soaked up as much as I can and feel much better for doing so. I have come along way since the end of July 2007 and I will not cover everything in this post as it would be far too much to write.
Now for my sitch. I have been with my wife for 19 years and married for 15 years. We have 4 beautiful children together and came from England 2 years ago (I am English and wife is American). We came over to find the American Dream and for better sports and activities for the Children.
Well money was tight after 8-10 months as I was a commission only Loan Officer and this stress did not help our marriage. I was unhappy in myself and had been the same in England. I had low self esteem, negativity and did not like myself very much. My wife tried to make me happy and loved me with everything she had. I just did not see it and ashamedly critisied (sp) her and complained at the things that she did wrong. There were conflicts and arguments and although I thought that this was everyday stuff going on, this obviously, wore her down to the point that she could not take it anymore.
Some background as to what has happened - My wife took a job in November 2006 which she enjoyed very much but was fired in January 2007 as she could not learn the work to the employer's standard. This hit her hard for a long time. I changed mortgage brokers and was still on commission only but I was earning more than before. She then got a part time job at a pet store in April 2007, had a car accident the same month and in June her great aunt died after struggling with illness. All this and our money problems.
I thought we were doing o.k. as could be and after my eldest son's, mine and my wife's birthday in July 2007, she wanted to talk to me and told me that ILYBNILWY and that did not know she was attracted to me anyone, blahedy blah blah blah. She said that she was confused about the boss at the pet store and did not know whether she thought of him as a friend or more. Regardless, we were over and did not want to fix marriage and that all her love was used up trying to make me happy.
She left the next morning before I woke up and went to her girlfriend's and came back for clothes that day. I had the children at the house and of course I did all the wrong things as you would expect for someone who was devastated by the bomb.
She stayed overnight with girlfriend and family for two weeks, staying overnight and coming back in the morning so that I could go to work and then leaving to go to her job and boss (who became OM pretty soon after) when I came home from work.
It is funny that she used to make fun of the guy to me. He has been divorced 3 times plus a marriage annulment and is 10 years her senior at age 49 and goofy looking. Then she was living with him, I just did not understand.
Any way, she moved in with this guy and took the children soon after while I had to live in our rented house on my own and give notice to the landlord to leave. The devastation was when I came home from work one evening and there was a removal truck in the drive way and they were all there OM, her friends and our children and they were emptying the house of furniture and belongings.
I called the police and they came out but could do nothing as it was a civil matter. I lived in that house for about 2 weeks with nothing in it. I had paid the rent and did not have anywhere else that I could afford to go and any friends that could put me up.
I felt very violated and as she still had a lot of childrens clothes and bits and pieces in the house, she still had a key and it scared me to think that she could come in at any time when I was there. I felt that I had been burgalarized (sp).
Why did she do it - Her mother told her to as that is what she had done in her own sitch and also as leverage for money.
I never missed a day of work going through this and did my best for the children. It was the hardest thing that I have had to go through apart from my Father's death, especially as all my family are in England and our mutual friends sided with the wife.
What I do not understand is that I never got angry, never hit the OM although I wanted to and the wife wanted me to so that I could be in trouble with the law, never went crazy or anything. I do not know why, maybe someone can tell me.
My wife is a type of person that wants to be friends and I found it difficult to do this. However, I have decided that I need this right now and prefer to have some contact with her rather than just visiting children.
I have screwed up with my Db'ing but as the book recoomends, I went straight to LRT as we are separated and she is living with OM and our children. I am also doing 180's.
She spoke about divorce pretty soon after moving in with the OM but said that she wanted to do it as cheaply as possible as we do not have any money. She also said that she will not divorce me until I have a regular paying job because of the child support I would have to pay and does not want me to go to jail for not being able to pay it.
I have also stated that if she wanted to divorce, I would not stand in her way but I would prefer to fix the marriage. I know, I know, this was LLRT and if I say this to her and she wants it, I can not back down. She said that she was worried about the children and they needed a full time father. I told her that I understood that coming back for the children would be the right thing but would not take her back just for those reasons.
She said she was terrified to come back. I understand this and said that I am too. What if it was the same and she wanted to leave again and the children would go through hell, etc. etc.
She said that she would think about it. I stupidly asked her two weeks later what she thought and she said that she could not lose the OM.
I am GALing and feel very good about myself apart from needing a regular paying job and money. This would allow me to get an apartment to take children overnight and allow me to pay for a social life. I go to church and although I have not been religious in my life, I have found it to be very calming and gives me strength to carry on.
I have been doing LRT and gone dark and am in a state of mind of loving detachment. She has noticed some changes in appearance and clothes and compliments to her and no conflict or arguing which are 180's really for me.
I feel much happier in myself, more confident and stronger. I believe that I have dealt with the situation with dignity and feel very good about that regardless whether we get back together or not.
I love my wife very much. Yes I do think of her everyday and miss her. Am I desparate, no! Will my life be over if she did not come back, no! Will I fight for my marriage, absolutely. Would I take her back for the wrong reasons, no! Would I want the marriage to be as it was, no!
Am I a door mat, am I stupid or have no self respect, I do not think I am. My wife says she still cares for me and I do for her and we help each other when we can. I do not call her or contact her unless I have to. She calls me every other day to discuss the children or when she needs something. I do not call her back straight away. I call her a few hours later or the next day or 2 (unless it was urgent).
She called today for a chat about nothing really, said that she was tired and did not sleep well last night because she has things on her mind. I said that I slept like a log until the alarm went off. HA!
It is difficult to know whether she is contacting me as a friend or there is still something there for her. She signed of with take care but it was the first time she had done that. I know that means nothing ARRRGGH!!!
The OM works until 9 p.m. Monday to Friday and 9 am. to 6.00 pm on Saturday and 6 hours on Sunday. He has a crappy, old home that has not had a woman's touch for years, with two homes worth of furniture in it and my children living in the lounge on sofa's or on mattresses on the bedroom floors. She has had to claim food stamps and medicare and temporary income welfare, does not have a car right now until the insurance money comes through as she was involved in another accident a few weeks ago. Also the day she moved with the children, when she was at the OM's house, she was playing in the street with our youngest 2 kids and fell of the scooter and broke her finger. Cost to the OM $1000 plus weekly doctor visits of $125 and no work in the OM's shop. On hearing the story - priceless.
My question is should I now remain dark except dealing with the kids needs. I know that I need to make our conversations shorter and I do end our conversations first when I can, I think we are about 50/50 at the moment.
It is all very confusing but any thoughts on this sitch and how to proceed or whether it is a lost cause, your feed back would be much appreciated.
I am sorry to be in this situation with everyone else here but it makes me proud to be in the company of heroes as that is what everyone here is. The decision to fight for one's marriage is courageous and I wish all of you the very best.
