I posted this in the newcomers section but thought I would move it here as my sitch is about infidelity. Please any advice would be appreciated as I do not know whether I am being impatient or this is a normal sitch given the time span since it started.
I have been lurking for a few weeks and have read a huge amount of posts and read The Divorce Remedy and have soaked up as much as I can and feel much better for doing so. I have come along way since the end of July 2007 and I will not cover everything in this post as it would be far too much to write.
Now for my sitch. I have been with my wife for 19 years and married for 15 years. We have 4 beautiful children together and came from England 2 years ago (I am English and wife is American). We came over to find the American Dream and for better sports and activities for the Children.
Well money was tight after 8-10 months as I was a commission only Loan Officer and this stress did not help our marriage. I was unhappy in myself and had been the same in England. I had low self esteem, negativity and did not like myself very much. My wife tried to make me happy and loved me with everything she had. I just did not see it and ashamedly critisied (sp) her and complained at the things that she did wrong. There were conflicts and arguments and although I thought that this was everyday stuff going on, this obviously, wore her down to the point that she could not take it anymore.
Some background as to what has happened - My wife took a job in November 2006 which she enjoyed very much but was fired in January 2007 as she could not learn the work to the employer's standard. This hit her hard for a long time. I changed mortgage brokers and was still on commission only but I was earning more than before. She then got a part time job at a pet store in April 2007, had a car accident the same month and in June her great aunt died after struggling with illness. All this and our money problems.
I thought we were doing o.k. as could be and after my eldest son's, mine and my wife's birthday in July 2007, she wanted to talk to me and told me that ILYBNILWY and that did not know she was attracted to me anyone, blahedy blah blah blah. She said that she was confused about the boss at the pet store and did not know whether she thought of him as a friend or more. Regardless, we were over and did not want to fix marriage and that all her love was used up trying to make me happy.
She left the next morning before I woke up and went to her girlfriend's and came back for clothes that day. I had the children at the house and of course I did all the wrong things as you would expect for someone who was devastated by the bomb.
She stayed overnight with girlfriend and family for two weeks, staying overnight and coming back in the morning so that I could go to work and then leaving to go to her job and boss (who became OM pretty soon after) when I came home from work.
It is funny that she used to make fun of the guy to me. He has been divorced 3 times plus a marriage annulment and is 10 years her senior at age 49 and goofy looking. Then she was living with him, I just did not understand.
Any way, she moved in with this guy and took the children soon after while I had to live in our rented house on my own and give notice to the landlord to leave. The devastation was when I came home from work one evening and there was a removal truck in the drive way and they were all there OM, her friends and our children and they were emptying the house of furniture and belongings.
I called the police and they came out but could do nothing as it was a civil matter. I lived in that house for about 2 weeks with nothing in it. I had paid the rent and did not have anywhere else that I could afford to go and any friends that could put me up.
I felt very violated and as she still had a lot of childrens clothes and bits and pieces in the house, she still had a key and it scared me to think that she could come in at any time when I was there. I felt that I had been burgalarized (sp).
Why did she do it - Her mother told her to as that is what she had done in her own sitch and also as leverage for money.
I never missed a day of work going through this and did my best for the children. It was the hardest thing that I have had to go through apart from my Father's death, especially as all my family are in England and our mutual friends sided with the wife.
What I do not understand is that I never got angry, never hit the OM although I wanted to and the wife wanted me to so that I could be in trouble with the law, never went crazy or anything. I do not know why, maybe someone can tell me.
My wife is a type of person that wants to be friends and I found it difficult to do this. However, I have decided that I need this right now and prefer to have some contact with her rather than just visiting children.
I have screwed up with my Db'ing but as the book recoomends, I went straight to LRT as we are separated and she is living with OM and our children. I am also doing 180's.
She spoke about divorce pretty soon after moving in with the OM but said that she wanted to do it as cheaply as possible as we do not have any money. She also said that she will not divorce me until I have a regular paying job because of the child support I would have to pay and does not want me to go to jail for not being able to pay it.
I have also stated that if she wanted to divorce, I would not stand in her way but I would prefer to fix the marriage. I know, I know, this was LLRT and if I say this to her and she wants it, I can not back down. She said that she was worried about the children and they needed a full time father. I told her that I understood that coming back for the children would be the right thing but would not take her back just for those reasons.
She said she was terrified to come back. I understand this and said that I am too. What if it was the same and she wanted to leave again and the children would go through hell, etc. etc.
She said that she would think about it. I stupidly asked her two weeks later what she thought and she said that she could not lose the OM.
I am GALing and feel very good about myself apart from needing a regular paying job and money. This would allow me to get an apartment to take children overnight and allow me to pay for a social life. I go to church and although I have not been religious in my life, I have found it to be very calming and gives me strength to carry on.
I have been doing LRT and gone dark and am in a state of mind of loving detachment. She has noticed some changes in appearance and clothes and compliments to her and no conflict or arguing which are 180's really for me.
I feel much happier in myself, more confident and stronger. I believe that I have dealt with the situation with dignity and feel very good about that regardless whether we get back together or not.
I love my wife very much. Yes I do think of her everyday and miss her. Am I desparate, no! Will my life be over if she did not come back, no! Will I fight for my marriage, absolutely. Would I take her back for the wrong reasons, no! Would I want the marriage to be as it was, no!
Am I a door mat, am I stupid or have no self respect, I do not think I am. My wife says she still cares for me and I do for her and we help each other when we can. I do not call her or contact her unless I have to. She calls me every other day to discuss the children or when she needs something. I do not call her back straight away. I call her a few hours later or the next day or 2 (unless it was urgent).
She called today for a chat about nothing really, said that she was tired and did not sleep well last night because she has things on her mind. I said that I slept like a log until the alarm went off. HA!
It is difficult to know whether she is contacting me as a friend or there is still something there for her. She signed of with take care but it was the first time she had done that. I know that means nothing ARRRGGH!!!
The OM works until 9 p.m. Monday to Friday and 9 am. to 6.00 pm on Saturday and 6 hours on Sunday. He has a crappy, old home that has not had a woman's touch for years, with two homes worth of furniture in it and my children living in the lounge on sofa's or on mattresses on the bedroom floors. She has had to claim food stamps and medicare and temporary income welfare, does not have a car right now until the insurance money comes through as she was involved in another accident a few weeks ago. Also the day she moved with the children, when she was at the OM's house, she was playing in the street with our youngest 2 kids and fell of the scooter and broke her finger. Cost to the OM $1000 plus weekly doctor visits of $125 and no work in the OM's shop. On hearing the story - priceless.
My question is should I now remain dark except dealing with the kids needs. I know that I need to make our conversations shorter and I do end our conversations first when I can, I think we are about 50/50 at the moment.
It is all very confusing but any thoughts on this sitch and how to proceed or whether it is a lost cause, your feed back would be much appreciated.
I am sorry to be in this situation with everyone else here but it makes me proud to be in the company of heroes as that is what everyone here is. The decision to fight for one's marriage is courageous and I wish all of you the very best.
Welcome to the boards. Although this is not a pleasant place to be, we are all friends and share a common bond.
First, let me compliment you on your complete and comprehensive first post. Many times, a first post is incomplete and scatter-brained, leaving much to the imagination. Well done. Also, don't concern yourself with spelling (particularly UK spelling such as "realised" and "recognised." We don't get picky when our other friends from across the pond (like Saffie) spell words wrong!! )
From what I can gather from your story, you are doing well. Keep up the good work. It sounds like you are detaching from the relationship.
The next step is to GAL - go do stuff, with and without the kids. Show your wife that you will thrive without her. Show her that you will be happy to leave her with this scum bag while things get better for you!!! And it isn't enough to pretend. You have to live it and believe it.
Keep up the good work. Whether she returns or not, you are well prepared for the next step in your life.
Thank you for your input, it is much appreciated. I am changing for the better I know that. I am thinking of going darker for a while and leaving it as long as I can before talking to her unless it is to do with children.
I just get fed up with hearing all her stuff about the bf and what is going on with her life. Must set boundaries I know.
FF, I, too, say sorry that you're here. You'll get good support though.
It sounds like you're well into DBing so keep up the good work! The OM has been married 3x and had 1 marriage annulled? That's definitely a person with issues! It's hard but having her live with him may be a good thing right now. Affairs are fantasies. Right now this person is her knight in shining armor. But for sure someone with issues like that won't be too shiny for too long! Pretty soon she'll see that living with him will not be happily ever after.
But best thing you can do is DB! I would be her friend. You certainly don't have to come on too strong. But that way, when the road gets rough for her, and it will, you'll be there.
There are many of us here who sometimes think we're being door mats, but we know we're in it for love. We're fighting for what we believe in ... so welcome to the ranks!
I would db, but honestly I would also talk to a lawyer to see what your rights are here. you can usually get an initial consult for free. I'm really sad that she took the kids and all of your stuff like that. you don't have to act on anything, or even tell your wife you have done this, just get the information.
not sure if you have done this, but it might help with your GAL to check out other british ex-pats around you. here in the boston area there is a thriving population. I have a british friend who does a lot of stuff with them. it might help you feel a sense of "home" in a strange country.
good luck!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
The OM is definiately is being the strong man at the moment. She has broken her fingers and he dealt with that, she has been in a car accident, he has dealt with that. She was using her grandmother's car and the windshield shattered and someone in a car park took the wing mirror off, he dealt with that.
He also drives the children to and fro school as she does not have a car at the moment.
She is needy and always has been and he seems to be coping well at the moment. I wonder how long it will take for the armour to rust!
I think she is scared to do anything (more) wrong as she knows that there is nowhere else to live if he kicks her out. I believe that they are on best behaviour right now.
BTW as anyone heard the "the OM started after we ended, I was gone a long time before this. I lost the connection and can not get it back"
But at the time of the bomb "I am confused about OM. I have feelings for him but these could be just as a friend as I have not had many male friends and do not know"
Also "It just happened it had nothing to do with OM, it was me"
or "I know I should not have brought OM into it but it is too late now, I can not turn the clock back"
foo... cool name BTW.. Yep... those are all calls of the WAS's.
Mine uses the cover of our separation (which she claimed started on my B-day!!) as justification of the A.
I've heard many, many times "He's not the cause of our bad M..." etc etc.
In truth.. they are correct. The OP are not the cause, and you'd do well to ignore him as much as possible. Trust me.. I feel your pain there. He is a symptom.. not a cause.
I also agree with Morgan.. you need to at the least figure out what your legal courses of action are.
Yeah she said that she loved him after 4 weeks of the bomb. WTF!
I suppose it is just a waiting game now. Is she in a fog or is she really happy and will be for a long time (ever?). How do they go and live in a sh** hole of a house with furniture piled up everywhere, kids sleeping on couches and mattresses on the floor, little money and so many ways that she has dealt with the children differently(home alone, not helping with homework, not taking them out or spending time with them).
I know that she is working at the OM's Pet Store so that she can get some welfare Temporary Income. She already has food stamps and is/has got Medicare for the chilren and herself and OM has paid for some wood flooring so the kids can get in bedrooms.
It just seems the more entwined it all gets with doing up house and OM having a cell phone family plan for WAW and oldest daughter, the harder it will be for WAW to untwine from it in the future.
The WAW said she did not know herself anymore and wanted to find who she was. How can you do that when you are involved with someone else and living with them straight away? I have learnt not to try and understand, it does not compute!
Any thoughts or anyone in my sitch?
Safie - Yes I am English and in the USA and I have to write the way they do. But I wonder if they understand bollocks?
Patience, Patiience, Patience, I know. Just hate the thought of Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up. Christmas is going to be a killer not being there when children wake up.
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