The tale of two XH's is that I have two XH's..One XH, really, but two personalities. It's the luck of the draw to which one I will see and how he will react to me, now, the new me.
It has been intersting to me to analyze XH when he is around me. I haven't done this in a long time but lately I have been amused to see how he reacts to me..the new me. I am working, too busy to sweat the small stuff, more organized with the house, cooking more often..Simply, I have gained my go get 'em attitude back. When I do something, I do it "hard" so to speak..no pun intended.
Lately, the past two or three times I have seen him he seems amused. It's almost as if he is seeing me for the first time in a few years; like he knows me but doesn't. Funny, sometimes I feel like the MLCer.
He is much more friendly. He picks up the phone if I have to call him in a milisecond. He calls for no reason. He offers to take the kids on his "non" days with them. He finds every excuse in the book to hang around the house. The other day he left his jeans here. Yesterday I came home from the gym to find S13 and XH playing bball in the driveway. It was like looking at a teenager (my XH, that is) Everytime he tried to make a shot or if he sunk a ball, he would look over at me to see if I saw.
I have to act indifferent to all of this for many reasons. One, I have been round and round with all this b.s. so many times that I know XH's niceness can end like a drop of a hat. (although he has been way more consistant lately) 2 - I don't want to give him the wrong idea plain and simple. I am not interested on getting back together and I don't want to give the kids the wrong idea, either. Now, if XH hadn't gone up and down and up and down with this stuff in the past, maybe I would not have my guard up, but I do. And, I have seen my two kids get their hearts broken because of his erratic behavior. Just when we think he is going to be "nice dad" and be civil to me again, he breaks.
So, I needed to journal all the stuff that has been going on with my split personality XH so here it is.
- he has initiated counseling and we have went two times in the past month
- he wanted to stay for lunch yesterday as he asked me "what I made for lunch" when he and S13 came home to shoot hoops. (I declined to make anyone lunch and took off..btw..his weekend with the kids so if he decides to bring the kids here it is not my job to play short order cook)
- came to my school to get the kids when they didn't have school. I had to bring the kids to my class and XH picked them up from there. It's at a local college so the kids got a kick out of seeing me in my element and met my students. They didn't stay but had the chance to say hi to the kids. XH was speechless when he came to get them. I noticed him peeking in the door window watching and listening to me teach. I gave the class a recess and excused myself and said goodbye to the kids. XH told me that I was the "hot" teacher and didn't know if the guys would be able to concentrate taking my class (whatever..)Makes me uncomfortable typing that but it is new to me that XH is stating how he sees me as pretty again..
- He lingers at pick-ups and drop-offs. Gets out of his car..Tries to strike up converstaions.
- I had to go down to his shop to get my D the other day. New Guy was actaully taking my S golfing so he followed me to get my S as the golf course was minutes from XH's shop (kids slept over XH's the previous night so he brought kids to work where we picked them up) I went into his office and his shop. No, the Rat was not there which was interesting. I have not set foot in his office in THREE YEARS but used to spend so much time there. THere was virtually NO SIGN of XH and the Rat having an R. No pictures, nothing. It was the most aesthetic environment. It was sad, in a way. No pics of kids. No pics of anything but XH's boats.
- XH looked nervous when I was there. He and NEw Guy get along fine as New Guy is friends with XH's employee. We all went to high school together. Yet, I noticed that XH looked almost mad when we were there. He has never, ever seemed jealous of New Guy and seems to pride himself on how accepting he has been of him ("so he tells the kids) But for the first time I noticed XH being threatened that day..weird. If I had anticipated that I would have never let NEw Guy go down there and get S. But it didn't seem to phase XH when plans were made but in the end, XH didn't like us being there, together, at his shop.
So, all this stuff may sound trivial but it isn't. I see Xh feeling a little threatened by my new R for the first time in four years. I mean, Xh used to welcome the opportunity for me to get involved in a new R as it made the Rat feel better I am sure.
Christmas woes are starting to unfold, too. My kids are already asking me if XH can come for X-mas morning and I have no problem with that. It's only about two hours..Kids open up gifts and XH takes them to his family parties. Kids don't have to pick and choose who to be with on xmas morning and we did it last year. WEll, the Rat doesn't like the idea as XH and her fought about it in front of the kids today.
Luckily, New Guy is cool with it as he knows not to feel threatened by XH here. Even if I was not dating New Guy, I don't think XH and I are a healthy match to begin with, and New Guy knows that. Too much damage..too many bad memories..too much dysfunction..I just want my kids to have a good xmzs and not have to stress about what parent to be with for the holidays. It's nice that XH and can agree to put the kids best interest at heart for the holidays but the Rat doesn't like it..oh well.
So, the moral of the story is..Even after the NASTIEST of divorces..MLC to the max..affair with the secretary and told I was never the love of his life, etc..that THEY STILL have feelings of remorse and the MLCers do try to inch their way back.
It's such a shame that so much damage has been done. My XH is more than MLC as he is a classic narcissist. He only wants what he can't have. That is why we are so much better off as friends as I see that now. I won't get hurt again. I can take him for face value and know he is an MLCer who is trying to rebuild his life. I give him credit for trying to patch things up and encourage him to move forward. The sad part it that it will have to be without me.
Am I sad? Sure I am, especially around the holidays and when the kids come home with a Rat story. I hate that they are around the fighting but I realize that I can't change that. I can just make sure that I stay as sane as I can for the sake of their security and try to maintain an R with their dad. In a weird way, I don't mind that XH needs me..I feel as though he needs my approval with things now. That's okay. I think he is trying to let me know that my opinion does matter..like when he takes the kids, etc. But, that is as far as it will go.
Okay, don't know if this made sense but I find it comforting to write. It has been a very confusing few weeks as XH is trying so hard to be the good guy again. However, as the post states, The Tale of Two Xh's will be around for a while as my X's split personality.
I will be guarded with a garlic necklace just in case..
