Welcome to the hotel California

[tryingtoholdon]

That was great thanks for posting it. I am going to print it out to keep a reminder. : )

[Dr LOve]

Ok journaling time.

Today was a good day. I went to work in the morning. Left work and stopped at Wal-Mart to look for a bulletin board for my “office” the little corner of the family room (behind the bar). Thanks to Nikki B. who inspired me to make my own.
Found this nice board with a nice frame (only $9.52) and went home and put it up. When Wife got up and came into the Family room and saw my “office” she said “Oh you got a bulletin board too. I didn’t want to spend that much money” I told her it only cost $9.50 “Oh really that was a good deal”.
I think she sees me making my own space and does not know what to think about it. So anyway I went to my MIL house and scrubbed her washroom floor. I was trying to talk MIL into going to nieces but she kept on saying she was too tired. So I called W and told her That I was going to finish the washroom and dinning room floors and then stay there with MIL because I felt bad about going to the party and her staying there by herself. W was ok with that. W brought son over because he did not want to go to party so he stayed there with Grandma also. After about 2 hours we came home. After W left B-day party she went to MIL house and just got back now. Very talkative.

Ok what I learned today from my reading. It seems that I do have the “Nice Guy syndrome” I am just reading the book through once and then I am going back and read it again and do the 12 step program.
I have a problem with “Approval Seeking Behavior” this involves things like cleaning the kitchen or washing dishes or doing laundry and then waiting for a pat on the back. Now it is not a bad thing to help out. My problem seems to be though that after I do something I act like a dog that just did a trick and am waiting for my reward. I have been doing this with out really thinking about it. But When I think back Every time I would do something I would go to W and say hey see the back yard? Or the kitchen look nice doesn’t it. Look What I did what do you think?
I caught myself today. Now don’t get me wrong I do care and like helping others and I don’t always do it to impress W But today when I was scrubbing the floor I caught myself thinking. “I hope W comes by and sees what I did” When I realized what I was thinking I stopped thinking it and just wanted to get it done. If she notices it ok if she does not I did not do it for her anyway.
So I am supposed to make a list of Approval seeking activities. Activities I do to get external validation and go on a moratorium from this behavior.
My list:
1. Wash dishes
2. clean bathrooms
3. vacuum the house
4. wash her car
5. clean house
6. clean kitchen floor
7. clean family room
8. dust
9. wash clothes

So I am not going to do any of these unless she asks me to for the next month. Like I said it is ok to help each other out when in is shared. But when one party is doing it just to try to get attention (and not getting it) then something is wrong.

Ok I used up enough space

Husband

[Michael Mc C]

Ok I used up enough space

But you used the space effectively!

I have found that I, too, have had the approval seeking behavior. It's not everything I do but there are those certain tasks/jobs you do that you hope they'll notice. I liken it to when my kids clean their room without being told or anything else that they do and are looking for the praise. I don't think it's a bad thing at all, unless it's something that you look for with everything.

For instance, 2 weeks ago W mentioned she wanted sushi, just a passing comment. I ran out to the store a few hours later and passed the sushi joint. So I grabbed some. On my way to the store I started asking myself "why did you just do that?" Was it because I wanted her to see me as a giving, loving husband - hoping she would recognize what she might be giving up?

Nope. I realized that this is something I would do on any other day. It's love, damn it!!

I have stopped doing things like this though. As far as doing things around the house, I told myself 2 months ago that I'm no longer doing that to help HER. These are chores that need to be done and if she's going forward with the D, I had better be ready to pick up all of the jobs, not just the "manly" ones (no offense to anyone).

I think your list and your decision are both good ideas. If she wants something done, let her ask. There's no sense going out of your way to please her when you get no accolades for it. Of course, if these are things that the two of you have decided to share in the past, it could bring on some rough waters as it might appear that you're not pulling your own weight. Just something to keep in mind.

[Dr LOve]

[quote=husband]I think your list and your decision are both good ideas. If she wants something done, let her ask. There's no sense going out of your way to please her when you get no accolades for it. Of course, if these are things that the two of you have decided to share in the past, it could bring on some rough waters as it might appear that you're not pulling your own weight. Just something to keep in mind.

Thank you MCC,

I see you know where I am coming from. No we never "agreed" to share these tasks. We both came into this relation ship combining two house holds. I always did these before we got married. But I did them then because they needed to be done. I now finding myself doing them only to here her say “oh what a good boy, how can I ever leave you".
As for your sushi thing I can see me doing the same thing. I think part of it though is also our fault for ALWAYS DOING IT.
I had a SIL from my previous marriage that ALWAYS did something to piss me off. Then she would apologize. At first this was ok. People slip some times. But it became a habit that she figured it was ok to piss me off as long as she apologized. The Apologies after a while became worthless. I think this is where being caring and being a caregiver come into play. Caring is when you stop by once in a while and gets the sushi because this loving husband should and would do. When you become a caregiver you do it for them. It’s your job to please your W.
I know it may sound selfish but we have people always coming around for donations here at work. It is so easy to give money and think you did your part. But I got no satisfaction just giving money. So I stopped and I started volunteering at the abuse women’s shelter. I did the yard work and helped with repairs around the place. I was helping them but I was also enjoying personal satisfaction. I worked up a good sweat and if I felt tired I knew I did a good job. It is like going to the gym. You work on your body for you.

Husband

[JoieDeVivre]

Hey, H! Not giving money, but instead giving your time to volunteer, is not selfish at all! I think it's quite the opposite. It's easy, and quick, to open your wallet, but time is valuable so giving it to others is a deed worth it's weight in gold, no platinum. And, it's good for the heart and soul, as well!!

[Dr LOve]

Joie,

Yes my point is it felt really good to me to do that. And they did not have to come and say Thank you. I did it because it felt good. That is where I want to get back to with the "chores" around the house.
Somewhere along the way I got lost. WE (my W and I) got lost in the true meaning of being married.
One mistake I made is I thought of us as one. IN reality we it should have been two living with a common goal. We lost our individuality.
That is where GAL comes into play.

Husband

[Yoyowife]

Husband,
You have more energy than anyone I know. I wouldn't know how to act if my H helped around the house like you do! You are quite a catch in more ways than one!

[tryingtoholdon]

Husband that's what happened with my husband and I also. We are relearning to find our individuality. We also seem to have grown to have resentment over it. Or I should say he has.

[PennyMB]

WOW!!! H you are to good to be true. I like yoyo wouldn't know how to act if all that had gotten done. You do have a lot of energy....

[Dr LOve]

Penny B & Yoyo
Ya make me

Things like the dishes are not that bad if you keep up on them and people Rinse them off when done it is no big deal. As for the clothes. I really like folding clothes it gives me time to think and it is the only time I get to touch my W underwear.

Things where pretty good today at home they were great at work. The farm house that my W used to live in is now abandoned. My W, Son and I tool a ride out there. It was fenced off but I just walked around and then W and son followed. It was a little vandalized but was neat seeing where she grew up. We then went to MIL house and showed her the pictures.
Something just does not feel right. Not sure what it is. Just this feeling.
My little corner in the house looks great. It's my little getaway. Saffie I have not had any J.D for a while but I may have a shot or two tonight.
Life is good. I just wish I would have handled things different when I first found out. I would have liked to confront the issue back then. The more time passes it's going to be harder to deal with...
Wife just came to the bar which forms one of the walls to my Office... She looked at my Monitor and told me “I really thinks I should get a docking station for my lap top so I can get a bigger monitor, that print seems so small to me”
So what is this about? Is she talking about the future? The more I think I understand what is going on the more confused I get.

But still LIFE IS GOOD

Husband