Unfortunately, I think I'm exhibiting sexual "biscuit hoarding" behavior lately. I can't get over my almost 20 years of conditioning that trained me to believe that male sexual desire is a scarce resource. Here's what I find myself doing. I act as though GP is a banker and when I deposit enough "sexy" into my account with him then it is "safe" for me to actually withdraw some sex. The validation I get when I deposit the "sexy" is like the receipt or free lollipop the teller hands you. Of course, I can't be quite sure when I've deposited enough to cover the withdrawal I might want to take so I err on the cautious side because I have a serious fear of something bad happening if I bounce a check.
Perhaps a more apt analogy would be that my desire to keep the well primed overrides any current moderate thirst I might be experiencing. It's not really that I fear rejection either. I would feel more rejected if I didn't get the validation when I deposited the "sexy". Maybe this is just my way of "testing". I want to get a feel for what sort of exchange rate I might get before I make a run on the bank or something like that. Or maybe it's my own new peculiar brand of "bait and switch" along the lines of - I tricked you into believing that I was mostly an attractive flirt and tease but REALLY I'm an all out sex fiend- Surprise!
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
