Everything feels so surreal to me lately. I can't believe how time has flown. I notice how depressing my posts sound lately. Things are getting better though.
I've been trying to catch up on everybody lately, but have just not posted much. Many of you sound really good. And those of you who are going through a rough patch, like myself, are going to find some sunshine very soon. Have faith. I have faith and a good feeling I can... will... make my life amazing.
I'm so glad I went to Hawaii. It was so good for me. I'm looking forward to going back again soon now. I just have this feeling that is where I should be. It's something I have thought for years... many years.... but just haven't gone after my own dreams I guess. This might all sound funny, but I don't care.
I've done well over this last year... well, over this last decade plus really... but that's all just so relative. I found myself really lost again recently. Here I was trying to get "started" with a new life but was really struggling... feeling pretty stuck. I am now taking steps again, and know that I can accomplish whatever I want. I hope to feel stronger and more empowered each day. I'm planning on it actually. I know I deserve to feel loved and respected. There is so much more life for me to live. I think I was trying to start a new life in a way that would leave the door open for my H to return, and that I wasn't just living my life for me. I've no doubt that is why I was finding it difficult... why I was stuck.
When I was in Hawaii I met this nice group of Navy guys (well, other super nice folks too who also had a positive impact on me) and really enjoyed hanging out with them. One of these guys in particular really made an impression on me though. No, not like that. It was so nice to meet gentlemen out there. That alone was a little blessing for me... to help restore my faith in the opposite sex a little, or myself rather for attracting good guys. This guy's young, only 24, and really seemed to have a good head on his shoulders. Nice to see. We had more in common than other people I've run into, and he was truly a surfer so it was really nice to paddle out with him.
This guy reminded me an awful lot of myself. His personality traits and values seemed so similar to mine. Meeting him sort of held up a mirror for me. Reminds me what it looks like to know you have your whole life ahead of you and be full of dreams while living responsibly. I was only getting a glimpse of this person obviously, but it just helped wake up the person inside me who has been lost... beat down even. He was a live example of what I used to be more like when I was younger, what I've temporarily lost, all that I have going for me, and also some crucial pieces that were and are simply missing for me. It reminded me how I should've been, and am not, living my life. Not that he is living my dream, just served as a reminder to me what mine is... sort of a wake-up.
It's not as if I haven't been picturing myself living my life again the way I want to be, it's that I haven't been able to get out of this rut and get started in a serious way.... to just do it. I didn't place myself and my own dreams as a priority from the get-go, but instead put H's dreams/needs/wants before mine. I lacked that kind of maturity and selffulness (as I like to call it). As a result I stripped away some of the confidence, self-esteem, and hopefulness I once had, and didn't live my dreams. What a sad cycle. It's never too late, but there's no need to waste any more time.
Let's get busy living.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
