have had a pretty good day. took the kids to church for the first time in a long time. not sure how I feel about church right now, to tell the truth. I have some of my own issues with it. but I do have a strong spiritual base that I want to pass on to my kids, and I think church may help with that. we shall see.
it was hard being there. I haven't been in a church since h and I went into st. patricks over memorial day weekend and lit candles. I found myself praying a lot while there, not just focusing on the liturgy. but I find myself no longer praying for H to see the light, to come out of the fog, to save my marriage. it all just feels like its so far gone, nothing, no effort, no prayer, nothing, could make a difference now. and wow, that makes me sad. I found the only thing I could really focus my prayers on were prayers for strength. I need strength...I have a lot of storms in the future I need to weather, and I'm not really sure I'm up for them.
one day at a time. trying to take things one day at a time.
my friend, who is active in this church, apparently has a big mouth, too. we rarely go to church, but when we have, we have been going to one a few towns over (the priest who married h and I moved there when we moved here). I decided to go to our parish church instead today. apparently my friend, who was there, chatted a bit about my situation. when we all went down for coffee/donuts/chat after mass, I was practically attacked by the ministry leader. she brought over half a dozen ladies at a time, all very sweet and supportive, all obviously knowing my situation. one lady, in charge of shawl ministries, offered me a shawl. she and some other ladies knit them on wedn, then pray over them and touch them and imbue them with their spirit, then offer them to the sick and those going thru tough times. she went on and on and on. I took it in the spirit in which it was given...I know a lot of love and support went into it. but I couldn't help feeling like I was walking around the church with a billboard on my head. TRAGIC STORY! WOMAN WHO COULDN'T KEEP HER HUSBAND!
ugh.
anyway, it was a bit tough. by around the 3rd group of ladies, I told the kids it was time to go, we had a lot to do today, and waded my way thru them to my car. my friend obviously felt a little sheepish, didn't realize I'd be quite so inundated, and told me I was welcome to kill her tomorrow. since she is coming over for a playdate I am hosting, I plan to do just that.
not much else to tell. hope everyone is having a good sunday.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
