NikkiB #22 (almost separated)

[NikB]

OT - good point. It's about learning and growing and impressing myself at the moment. Good to keep it that way.

I went to bed way too late so I only have a few minutes to post then off to the baby shower - but I just had to post this because I was blown away this morning. I slept in our bed last night - I know I need to get moved into my new room but I'm not quite there yet. Since the last bomb we've been sleeping in the same bed with basically the grand canyon in between us. Once in awhile H will roll over and touch my arm or something, but that's been about it. This morning, his alarm went off and he scooted over right next to me, gave me this huge snuggle/hug and held me really close. I didn't reciprocate but didn't pull away either, didn't know what to think but I did enjoy it. (was also still extremely tired so I didn't even open my eyes, I'm not sure if he even realized I was awake)

He got up, got ready for his class, came in to say bye to me. I was still half asleep, mumbled something about have fun and learn a lot. He commented on how I got home really late and must be tired, I said yeah planning to sleep a bit longer. He gave me a hug and stood there for a minute - my eyes were closed as I was working on going back to sleep. Then he said "I love you." It's been MONTHS since he said this, so it was not a force of habit before going out the door thing.

Wow.

I didn't know how to respond. I DO love him at a deep level but I haven't been exactly "feelin' the love" lately. Hard to explain. I think it's finally ACTUALLY reaching "lovingly detached" instead of "too attached" or "pissed off detached". I faked being more asleep than I really was at that point and softly mumbled "mmmm you too."

I know not to read too much into it and don't worry - I'm not getting all sucked back into the craziness, the boundary-less-ness, all that. It doesn't change anything in terms of my plans right now. But still, wow.