Truly Piecing once and for all!

[Concerned_Listener]

HB,
I had a chance to review your thread. It's tough living in the mystery of not knowing which way your M is headed. Your H is present in body, but his mind is confused.

You seem unwavering in your commitment, but the stress sometimes derails you (as it does all of us). I'll stay up on your thread, and help when I can.

Let's hope your H gives the M an honest effort. His participation in the marital retreat is a good sign.

CL

[limbo]

I agree, when I read about your H, I think that he still doesn't trust himself fully, as with mine, and so wount committ with his words fully yet.
But his actions tell maybe something alittle different, he is making an effort, and even if he doesn't think so, he has committed himself to this process! So its a start!!

[Heartbroken]

CL - thanks for checking on me, you seem so calm and precise in your actions/reactions - A model for me to follow!!

Limbo - thanks for your input!

I am still pluggin' along - busy with work this week but we have still been making the effort to dialogue. I feel that H is just touching the surface with his analyzing his feelings but I resisted telling him outright (kinda hinted though so I did backslide a little). I realize he feels what he feels but he has always been good at avoiding the tough issues which is why we are where we are.

So I am still taking it day by day. Trying so hard to remain positive and keep things light - but then he says things feel "forced" so I am not sure really what he expects...

At least tomorrow if FRIDAY!!!

Football banquet tonight for S(10) - kids and H are off tomorrow bums me out I have to go to work!

HB

[Sara]

HB,

I just posted a response to you on Saffie's thread.

[LL44]

Hi HB, just wanted to say hi and see how you are doing.

[Heartbroken]

Hello Limbo,

I do not get a chance to check these boards on the weekends - especially with Retro taking most of Sunday...Sometimes I feel I am out here to much during the week anyways. This place is awesome but it can bring you down if sitch's are going badly. Last week was great for me out here - LoginName specifically (on your thread) helped me to really see my H's possible point of view.

We had a slight emotional breakdown on Friday eve - but that even helped me see that he does not want to quit trying and that he's not doing this just b/c I want him to.

We had our Retro session #2 last night and it was okay - we did not learn a whole lot - we already knew about our childhood history and our personality types. The second half got into a bit too much about religion and I hope this theme does not expand as we go further along. My H just starts to tune out the more they preach and if it gets to heavy with this emphasis he will not continue going...

Overall we had a good weekend - went out Saturday with parents from football and got a lot done at home. I told H as much pain as we are in that I am still in a way better place than last year at this time and he said he was too. So that's a positive. He is also starting to trust me more with communicating tough things he's afraid will just hurt me - so we are growing here. He has to remind me we need to dialogue and he did so every night last week - ANOTHER positive. So the baby steps at least seem to be forward (at least for this past week).

Please let me know how you are doing!! Have a great week!

HB

[limbo]

Hey HB

I am doing ok...we had our last retro session on Saturday, and it was really good.
I didn't find that ours was preachy, there were eleimants of the religon, but nothing to heavy.
There will always be areas that you wount get as much as other areas...I found the later ones get into deeper issues!
Its great that you feel your hubby is doing this for the right reasons, that more then half the battle.

I have had a better few days...then before, so thats a start!

You take care!

[Concerned_Listener]

HB,
There is certainly hopefullness in your situation.

Your H being able to trust that you can handle difficult topics is important and encouraging.

The small steps do seem to be going forward, as you say.

CL

[Heartbroken]

To our BTDT veterans of Dbing,

I asked H if he even WANTS to have sex (b/c he does but he just does not seem into it), in regards to any physical contact I seems to initiate all hugs, kisses and just about any sex...

Is this normal - I guess it must be considering he says he does not feel love towards me.... Do I stop initiating or just keep going on with the 'act if...'

I feel I should continue --to help build our closeness??? But not sure...

Thanks!

HB

[ourcrisis]

I am not a BTDT veterans, and to be honest, our sex has always been good.

I am very quantitative. So adjust as you wish. I would probably not initiate everytime. How was it before the A? I would try to get back to that routine. If you always initiate, then continue. If before he does the initiating, then don't pursue so much. But do keep it up, or give little hints. If he is not into it, drop it.

sometimes I would be flirting with him a bit, and he would respond. If it happens that he is really tired, or stressed, or whatever and don't take my hint, I just give him a little hug/kiss and sleep. I guess if he initiates, then no matter how you feel you have to "act as if", ha ha.

I think the key, as with every other aspect with H now, is to let him set the pace. You can push a little bit but back off if you sense any resistance. Now I initiate the kisses/hugs most of the time (H is not into initiating that part). But I feel no resistance (unfortunately, not much reaction much of the time), so to me that means he is OK with it. I also extend the hugs and kisses now to the kids more, mainly to show them that I love them. Both my H and I do not show much affections before to the kids. We love them but no ILY everyday and hugs everyday kind of stuff. Now I am doing more to let them know I do love them.

He may not feel the love for you now. But he will, slowly. Keep the faith in you, HB. You are doing great and I am sure you will succeed at the end.