Yes but on the opposite side of the street, I have not told family what W has done. Soooo everybody thinks everything is ok. This in turn seems to give W the approval (in her own mind) of what she did because she has not faced any of the consequences.
Damn if ya do tell and damned if ya don't
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Husband - Why are you keeping what she has done secret?
Hope - Actually, she is supposed to get the kids for Christmas. However, our S will have nothing to do with the OM, so that puts a crimp in her plans. She has therefore arranged, with my cooperation, to have both kids for two hours on Christmas morning (just the three of them, with me pointedly excluded).
All - It seems to me that the paranoid feelings they have that everyone is against them and that they are being isolated stem from the guilt and shame bubbling up from below. Somewhere deep down they know what they are doing is wrong and this makes them even more crazy.
LL
M 63 W 40 M 4/91 S14/D9 bomb 7/6/07 D filed 8/3/07 final 2/4/08 thread
Oh yeah.. the "us vs. them" is pretty common, too. Forget which of Michele's articles I read it in but I've seen it here somewhere in her articles, along with over and over in the forums.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Husband - Why are you keeping what she has done secret?
Larry,
This may sound oh I don't know, Maybe dumb.... but... My sitch is differant than most on here. I BELEIVE, My W had the Affair becasue she is really confused/unhappy/depressed. She did not go out and "Find" some guy. She met up with her old BF (who lives over 500 miles away. ( by Aggent 99 in Wash). I think she did this to see if that would change things. It did for about 2 weeks but I don't think she found happyness. Yes I know it is being selfish but she lost her job, Her mom is not doing very well, She feels to old to get a new job.(55). She needs to take some more schooling, and I think she feels bad that she is not the mother she thinks she should be to my son. Yes thses are excuses but This is the way I think she feels. I have put my own needs aside for awhile (ok a long while.) but things are changing. If I were to "break the news" to the family right now I would probaly kill her mom. (not exagerating, Her mom has pictues of me all over her house. More Pic's of me than her son.) My son would be devastated.(I have just got him to come out of his shell and learn how to meet other kids and play with them.) W would just keep buying video games to ocupy son. He would never leave his room.(he has no social skills, the other day he had a friend over and went and got himself a Cream Soda and offered his friend a glass of water.)
I am starting to think of myself though. the time has come. I will not go through 2008 the same way as 2007.
So I am not at this time telling the family. IF we were to separate then all bets are off. I will "spill the beans."
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Wow, H -- you sound like a great dad, and husband, too! Kudos to you for all of your patience and understanding.
I think all of us here should be sainted when we reach those pearly gates -- we all have the patience and virtues of a saint! And we're trying to perform miracles!
H, how was the lintel burger? Never had one of those myself.
It was ok, It was kind of like meat loaf with too much bread crumbs. It was really filling. That was last night. this morning I had one that was left over and it tasted more like a bean cake. still ok. I am just trying something differant staying away from red meat. no real reason. I mean if I want a hamburger I'll have one. I am not a saint by any means. I have done alot of not very nice things. But what I am starting to do is rally look at why I do some things. what is the real reason behind my actions. Here is a "for istance" I am supposed to meet with other DBers soon. (if I don't chicken out). I was thinking what to tell my wife. My first thought was tell her what she told me when she meet up with her ol BF. "I am meeting up with an old highschool friend this weekend" But..... then I thought why would I say that?. To get back at her. Maybe she will conectt the dots and think I am having an affair... I don't want to play games anymore. I am just going to tell her I am going out or that I am going out to meet up with some people I met. My life has been on cruse control for too long. It's time to grab the wheel and take control..
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Husband...I can totally relate to alot of the "why's" you have stated about your W...now that my H is home (it was nearly 2 years with him away)...I can clearly see how depressed and unhappy he was...he really was in a panic...he didn't know which way to turn...unfortunately for us he turned the wrong way and went down that road to emotional distruction...yes, it included an OW for a time, financial ruin, and not taking care of himself physically...yes, he "looked" good but the emotional ills took it's toll along with the alcohol abuse that set in on him big time (this was like OW...something to kill the pain he was feeling inside)... People wanted to know how I could take him back after all the things he had done...well...he was hurting and while there was an obvious way of handling it to me it was not so obvious to him...all I can say is I felt compassion, pity, and mercy for him...I mean, he had been such a wonderful dad, husband, and friend for many years...what else could explain how a man could just one day up and walk out...leaving his kids, high school sweetheart (that's me), and ALL of his friends???...he literally left with the clothes on his back and his shaving kit...he didn't take family hierlooms, his guitars, his shoes, underwear...nothing but what he had on...and started a new life without any of us included...not even our 9 yr. old S... Your wife is obviously in crisis...
I am not real familiar with your situation so if you don't mind my asking...is your son your wife's child too? how old is he? and is he special needs?
I also like the way you have started to look at things...responses and the reasons for them...I agree that leading her to believe you are having an affair would sink you to her level...better to just tell her that you are going to get away for a few days and meeting up with some people you have befriended from a support group...playing games always means there is a winner and a loser...in life it is best if we can all eventually win...
Affairs are hard for the LBS...but I am now convinced that most are not easy on the WAS/MLC'er either...guilt is an evil bed fellow...worse it tends to stick to the very fiber of your being and infect you with such raw feelings that things from your childhood, things you thought you had dealt with...all of that "stuff" just comes bubbling up forcing you at some point to face reality...but the WAS/MLC'er avoid that for as long as they can...but when they hit bottom they usually reach out to the one who has always really and truly loved them...
I had to have my forgiveness ready for my H when he returned...he didn't feel worthy of it...was affraid to accept it...piecing was not as easy as I thought it would be either...I believe the whole process prepared me for his return...
I am rambling...but I hope you all understand what I am saying...
