Calling All Cats :)

[cat03]

further south, near our nation's capital

[cat03]

I just read LN's post elsewhere, describing EXACTLY what goes on w/my H. Finally he's able to tell me how pushed he felt at C, how attached he felt when the C asked him "so, are yo w/her because the rent is cheap?" etc. He was pretty ticked off, saying that he just felt cornered for an answered:

============================
Love is a choice? Maybe, but I really think it is a mistake to tell our spouses that. What is it really saying when we tell them that love is a choice? We are pressuring them. We are saying love is a choice, the right choice is to love me, stop being a stubburn idiot and make the right choice already. I'm right, you're wrong. I've made the choice to love you, so love me already. They bristle at that, they hate being pushed, told what to feel and think. We are also telling them that they are defective "what's wrong with you that you can't make this choice and make it now?". They fear they are defective, that something is seriously wrong with them. Why can't they choose to love us?

I think we need to back off. Let them wait for the "feeling" to come back. We may know it's a choice, and they are really working on making that choice right now. It takes time. They need to come to it on their own. And, if they believe it's a feeling, not a choice, and they feel it toward us, should we complain?
.....

And despite this, they stay with us and keep working on our R in their own way. Maybe they know deep down what is right. Maybe they know they love us, and maybe they know love is a choice. And I think the real issue is, they need to get to where they can like and love themselves. Just like us with GALing. They can't love us until they feel strong enough in themselves to risk it. The OP is another attempt to avoid looking at themselves. The OP is an outside source of validation. Again, the OP isn't important, it's really all about the spouse and their journey to get to know and like themselves.

********They may fear that if they choose to love us, they could lose themselves and need us for validation. They need to validate themselves. It takes time.**********

That's my H in a nutshell, afraid that I'll betray him, turn on him(yes, he saw the irony in that) but I get him, I understand what his fear is.

We had a tiny talk, I listened and try to validate him, and at the end he said he did see half of the C's points. I ask him to write down what goals he'd like to achieve and what do I do that bothers him. He said that's a good idea and that it has helped in the past to write things down.
I see some progress there, he's still sleeping downstairs, but I see progress and I'm good with that, as long as we are heading forward, I'm good

About my online friend, amazing! he actually was glad I told him because he is also in an R, and we both agreed we are not looking for anything else, just silly chat, I have no plans to ever talk to him over the phone nor meet him. I want him as a friend with whom I can unwind and be carefree, if only for 1 hr. It helps me to not get all hung up on my H.

[peaceful_spirit]

Cat,
You handled that conversation with your H well. I like the idea of writing down goals. And as for hte C pushing him, the C is trying to push your H's buttons. It's part of gettting to the root of things. So, I don't see that as a bad thing.

[cat03]

lmao Limbo!! before I read your reply to my post I did read your post and copied it here. Great minds think alike

[cat03]

not much to report, we are going to C next Tuesday, H still thinks he was attacked when C asked him to make a choice or to voice what he wanted (in the M)

I was trying to begin affectionate jestures, I kiss him longer good bye or good night, hug him, and he kisses back and hugs but never initiates still. And by now I know I have to give without feeling I'm giving in, so if I think I'm going to be resentful I don't do anything. Tried to have him hug me during a movie, he sort of put his arm over me, casual, then later on moved it out.

I can't stand this anymore.

I know it has to genuine and from him, the desire to love me. But he is just too tired after work or too overwhelmed after work or too worried about work.
I know he can only jugle one thing at a time (adhd, he gets overwhelmed easy) but , come on! when all is said and done, what is the most important thing in your life? your work or your family?
I was willfully on the back burner during his classes on the academy, during training, first months...and now, still, because they are most likely moving him to a lower position because of his performance. Then, he'll get depressed and still not able to give me an inch of affection or of himself.

I'm so sick of this. Yes, this is a rant, tired of living with my "room mate" who could take or leave my affection, whom is quiet half the time we go out and just sits there-- and me, trying to make conversation and be pleasant, to have a good time.

My kids need their dad, but I dont' know how long I can put up with this zombie who doesn't show the least interest in me as a person.

Chatting to online guy still, have a smile on my face the entire hr we chat, something that doestn happen with H. Yes, I know, it is a fantasy world, we only see the other person's best side...much like an A. I can sort of see how my H fell for op. The illution of a perfect new R, with someone who finds you charming and perfect, so much that you dont' really think of your kids and you fantasize about how it'd be to be with this person.

I have to be careful, I know, I know...because at some point chatting with him took the edge off, but sometimes it highlights what I dont' have.

Feeling so-so today, was hoping to go to Retro but H said it might reflect badly on him if he takes off the weekend due to the recent neg. developments at work.
I am looking for an Imago councelor, just emailed this guy near my home, he's head of what looks like a good Imago C center. I need a plan of action from H and I need to see some progress in the near future. We are supposed to learn to love who each of us is now, and the truth is, the person he is now, well...

Hey, I get to whine now and then too~! hopefully I'll feel better about my M's future.

[Aud31]

Whine all you want Cat--the hand you've been dealt is pretty crappy. And there's no doubt that at times it looks hopeless.

I wish I could reach through the net and give you a hug IRL.

[peaceful_spirit]

Cat,
I've been where you are, many times actually. I know the feeling of not wanting to break up my family, but feeling like I can't take the negativity and neglect anymore. For me, I did eventually get to a point where I told him I can't take it anymore -- last Thanksgiving, actually. I just broke down and cried and cried, and I finally told him that I couldn't take it anymore. In my case, he was still in contact with OW and lying about it. My point is, I know how it feels to have that conflict.. feeling like you jsut can't do it anymore but also wanting to save your family.

I don't know what an imago C is. I will tell you in my sitch that H was seeing a C for a year who basically did nothing. He just listened to my H and asked about how H felt. So, I found a new C for H who is a Cognative Behavioral Therapist. She is focused on identifying behaviors, figuring out where they came from and figuring out how to stop them. She has been much better for my H. So, maybe it will jsut take another C to get thorugh to your H. Frankly, if your H doesn't like his C (which I dont know if he does or not), it may not work.

As for your online chats, I totally get it. I have gotten close to a few men over the past year where I felt like I was wanted and appreciated (Never acted on anything, nor did I get close). But I did understand how one might look outside for attention/approval/laughter, etc... if they're not getting it at home.

See how the next session goes at MC. You should voice your feelings in the session. Your H needs to know how YOU'RE feeling as well. It's not all about him. Again, been there.

[LoginName]

CAT, I'm just going to thow a little bit in here. Yes, we need a place to whine. Do it. Let it out. If you don't feel that you can be totally evil here, write down your worst, most unfair, uncencored thoughts. It helps to get it out.

Peaceful_spirit is right, we've been there. I think you have too, probably more times than you'd care to remember. And you can make it.

But like PS did, let it out, especially at C, if you need to.

My half educated advice, detach. Don't try to be close or have a good time with him. He's a roommate, and not a very interesting one. Give him lots of space, take care of yourself and make yourself happy (without breaking your wedding vows). Really GAL your tail off, even if it means sitting alone and reading a book or watching a trashy TV show, whatever you want to do. Detach, detach detach.

Then you have the balancing act of detaching and still keeping a spark of attraction for him, but you can do it.

Your kids need to see you happy. It's good for them to see you healthy and happy. I bet they know dad is hurting.

He has to work this out himself. Don't force him to see the C. I really like what I've heard of CBT. My MC would drive me crazy because he'd back off and not push my W to talk or admit or do anything. She still felt attacked. The MC's backing off, I think my detaching, helped.

One last word of advice, that I know isn't needed (but it was to me in your situation) be REALLY CAREful with the online guy. You know I had a 'date' that ended with kissing. Looking back, if the girl would have wanted to take advantage of me, I don't think I could have said no. Best to avoid the tempation. I'm not saying don't chat, just really be careful. :o)

We are rooting for you, and are here for you. You've been there for me. It's not over, and you're not done yet. If you ever are, you'll know for sure. We'll still support you then too.

[peaceful_spirit]

Well said, LN.

[cat03]

thank you guys)))))))))))))))))) i really need a push now, *sigh* I have been trying too hard, have to remember about "cheeseless tunnels".
Yes, I need to detach more, I started to today, just asked 2 questions about his work (he seldom asks about mine) just to have something to talk about, and left it at that.
He does notice sometimes and says "what's wrong?", sigh**, and then I come out as the pushy one if I say what's wrong, I'm supposed to be alright all the time, i think he forgets how much this sitch affects me and maybe he rather not see it.

I do realize that adultery is not only physical, I remind myself of that daily. I know that meeting/talking irl with online guy would be a very bad idea and dont' have plans to do so.

LN, your advice is always needed

PS, you are prob right, it is just so hard to find the right T. With any luck I will find another good C since my H doesn't feel confortable with our MC now, I do like this C so much, but no sense going if H doesn't get anything out of it. He is going next Tues and i did tell him he didn't have to, he said "I'll go, let's just see what happens" as if the C is supposed to pull a rabbit out of a hat or somethign.
Well, a C session is better than nothing i guess...

Thanks for your support, I do need it. I don't want to give up, I know that much, I just need to change my modus operandi a bit :P