he was feeling like he could do nothing right in my eyes
had a quick lunch today with H, he didn't work for a few more hrs but he wanted to leave at a certain time. At work I started thinking "why the hurry, he could b meeting someone.."etc etc.As I'm thinking about sending a txt msg asking him if he was in a hurry to do "something else" he txts me saying he had just woken up for a nap and had to finish loads of paperwork and not looking forward to work today as it is rainy and wet and dark.
And here I was about to send a pushy txt. So glad I didn't it. I txt back that hope he had a good day, that I would've like to spend a bit more time w/him but that I understood he had work to do.
Which brings me to the fact that we must'nt jump and act upon our insecurities, we must wait and think before we say stuff.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat, It's so hard to not act on our impulses. I fight them often, and sometimes I give in. And most of the time, I find that I wished I haden't.
I'm glad you never got that text out.
Remember (and I remind myself of this every day), our spouses need our homes to be a place of safety. And if they feel they're being attached, either overtly or subtly, they will want to hide under a rock.
In many ways, we have to treat them like kids. When kids get a lot of encouragement, they will try to excel. But when they are constantly criticed, they act out.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
CL, By "treat them like children" I more mean that we need to encourage them and love rather than judge and reprimand. I don't mean it from the standpoint of mothering them or putting unrealistic restrictions on them.
During my H's MLC (or whatever it was that he went through) he acted very much like a child. He acted out and did whatever he wanted despite the consquences. Then as he was trying to find his way out of it, he was very fragine, again like a child. So, there were times when I knew that I had to be very careful with him or he would run and hide. Hope this makes sense.
Belive me... at this stage in my M, the last thing I want to do is be his mother. I want to be his partner. But I also need to understand that he is not yet whole and there are parts of him that are very fragile (though he would not admit it). So, letting him know I have faith in him will (hopefully) just encourage him to continue to grow. Whereas when if I'm all over him, not trusting him (which is a conscious effort on my part NOT to do), he acts out - like a child. It's some sort of weird defense mechanism.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
My H left yesterday for his trip. One of the things that I've been doing lately that I never did pre-bomb is that when H travels, I used to want him to call me all the time. And I most certainly wanted him to call me when he got back into his hotel room at night. And sometimes that wouldn't be until midnight or later so I would stay up late and worry.
Anyway, now when he travels, I DON'T want him to call me when he gets in. It works much better for us. That way, i don't "wait" for his phone call and I sleep better. And he feels less pressure to check in with me. So, we talk in the morning and in the evening. That's a 180 for me.
Just trying to stay the course. BUt it's not without slip ups. The other day, we were talking about his trip. He is in Orlando from Monday to Wed. Then he said he was going to Miami. I questionned him because he had initially said Ft. Lauderdale. Not knowing where in Fla all these places are, I started digging in, saying that they're nowhere near each other. He took out a map and explained that they are close and that the person he's meeting with has a territory that goes from Ft. L to Miami and that she had suggested flying into either place.
Then he said, "you need to lower your senses". By that he meant that I am so on guard. I said, "i'm sorry. That was not the right reaction". He said, "I dont' know why you do that". I said, "yes you do. And I am working on it. I am sorry". He said, "Fair enough" then came in for a snuggle. So, that was a good interaction that could have gone bad. He needs to know that I am trying not to let my mind go places, but that it won't happen overnight.
Anyway, just journaling my thoughts.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Yes, he needs to realize that it's not that easy -- especially when they are traveling & could pretty much do whatever their heart's desire w/o us probably knowing any better. He needs to realize that, yes, you're "working" on it, but like you said, it doesn't happen overnight unfortunately.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
PS, Sorry, I misinterpreted that sentence. You articulate the role of the LBS during early Piecing well. It is a supportive role, recognizing that our spouses have fragile, vulnurable areas that they need to face and begin working on. You're also right that it's not easy and seemingly unfair because they do get reactive sometimes.
Piecing is certainly an opportunity to practice patience, empathy, and listening.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
PS, Piecing is certainly an opportunity to practice patience, empathy, and listening.
I couldn't agree more. And all of those things are at times hard to do. That's why we're here... to remind each other of these things... right?
My H has been gone since Monday. All going well so far. We talk about 2x a day. I took a picture of the kids yesterday and TMd it to him. He called when he got it.
Last night, just as I was falling asleep, I got a TM from him that said, "I love you!". It was so nice to read. I was kind of shocked. I wrote back, "How nice! I love you, too!" A few hours later, he TMd, "good night, babe".
We spoke this morning and I'll probably hear from him briefly later tonight. He comes home tomorrow, at which point I'm going next door to my neighbors for a girls night.
I'm trying to keep things light and upbeat.
It's been nice having some time to myself, though.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
glad things are going well hon, I'll live vicariously through you, he he, have a great girls night! I must have one next week by the way, I usually have one the following week after my has one, so, it is time
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
