All hope is lost/help

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Disappointed,

I've been lurking awhile reading your posts and sending you positive thoughts. But now I feel compelled to ask a few questions. First, did you really read the Divorc Remedy/Busting books? Remember that doing the same thing over and over (pursuing) should be stopped if it isn't working?

You've really got to work on detaching big time. Stop analyzing what he says/does/wonder what he's thinking/feeling/doing, etc. You have no control over that and it's consuming you. Plus, it is not working. Please recall the whole 180' concept and do it as much as possible.

Also, your time line is so short. I am in "piecing" and I'd give my M a pretty good shot at long term success. We've come a long way. I wouldn't have believed it 2 years ago. But we've been at this MLC thing for 2 years. Yep, YEARS. Not all bad or downhill moments, but 2 years of not knowing what the hell was happening in my M. So, my point is you need to detach and take the big view here.

First, You are modelling for your children a very important lesson. Someday, each of them will face a painful setback or betrayal of sorts. You need to show them that even though pain like this does hurt, it is not fatal and is NOT eternal. You DO recover. You WILL laugh again, you will love again, whether it's him or another man, or a "cause", new activity, you will show your passion again.

For now, be a woman only a fool would leave. A woman who is Upbeat, looking forward to HER future b/c she's interesting, fun, intelligent, a good mom to her kids (and his kids), hardworking, etc. NOT b/c she "needs" him.

You must back off. He has told you pretty much that he felt too responsible for everyone, "burdened". So you need to back off and give him space. Don't "burden" him anymore with your needs. I know this sucks. Believe me, I get it.

I had several sessions with a DB coach and although it costs a lot, it was actually cheaper for me than local T's were, if I bought 3 sessions, which I did. It helped me a great deal with making goals that were manageable.

"Reconciling" is NOT your goal for now. Backing off and GAL are your goals right now. Find ways to measure "success" in shorter time spans so you can measure progress. Count days you DON"T call him (unless it's about kids or mandatory issues) and pat yourself on the back when you "survive" without contacting him or obsessing. Build on any "conflict free" talks with your h but don't initiate them. No R talk from you either. Sorry if it sounds as if I'm lecturing, but I'm just passing things I learned the hard way, on to you.

It just seems your h needs to solve this puzzle without you standing over his shoulder telling him where the pieces go, or wondering when he's going to come back, or if he will, reading into everything, and whether he'll be with OW, etc. When he said the "last thing he wants now is another R" what he is saying, (REGARDLESS OF WHETHER THERE IS OW)is that he does Not want the responsibility for one. Yes it is selfish and alien and crappy and unfair. But if you want to DB at least for now, then Minimize the "pressures" on him now. You want to be the safe place for him, the refuge, place of comfort, warmth, not the one making more demands. What he needs to see is the cost of his "freedom" (no time as a family, no sense of home, less time with the boys, less money, and less companionship with someone he has history with--YOU).

So, except for what he HAS to do for the kids, or the business, can you back off? Be independent. Is there a way you can avoid working together so much? Hard to see much mystery here. You guys spend so much time together even now, it's harder for him to see changes in you or the R, with so much daily contact.

Also, I see it as a HUGE positive that he wants the boys when he can be with them. Honestly he can't win with you here. IF he didn't want to see them as much as possible, you'd be angry at him for deserting them. Instead, you're angry that he wants to be with them but not you....okay, by now it is clear he needs some space. Why is this a surprise? This is Not about you. This is about your h and whatever the hell is going on with him. The more time he is with the boys (assuming it's his choice) the better for them, and probably the better for the M in the long run. Men care about the mothers of their children, if they don't have to feel guilty constantly. Guilt is easily converted into anger. Ignore his anger and hide yours when he's around. Otherwise you'll push him further away b/c you'll be validating how miserable it is to be around you ("see, she's ALWAYS mad," etc) .

You have to counter his negatives (and the justifications he's scrambling to find)) with positive images. The warmth of your home, the fun you and the kids have, (especially the boys if it comes down to it), your humor, etc. Trust that the love you once had and the good memories/history will re-surface, if allowed. Let it happen. You can't force it. I hope this makes sense. I personally don't see any advantages to snooping about OW or obsessing about it. Honestly, it'll consume you and you have NO control over it. Let that sink in. Plus, even if he is having an A, it is not always fatal as this bb reveals often.

PMA is also about you being ready to move on with your life, AND/OR being open to a reconciliation. You can close the door without locking it. For now, he wants out. You have no choice with that. You can only show the kids that you (and THEY) will be happy again, active, etc. What if your h had died and the grief process had passed enough for you to have healed some? Please don't teach your daughters that they have to have a man in their life to affirm their value. Regardless of whatever is happening in your h's head, you cannot let HIS choices ruin YOUR LIFE.

What would you be doing with your time? Time that you are now spending thinking/worrying about him? Can you do any of those things now?

I don't mean to hit you over the head with a 2 x 4. But, I've seen myself and my younger sister in your posts and it doesn't work and it doesn't feel good and it isn't great for the kids either. GAL, work on the PMA, lose the anger in front of him, (countering his negative images with positives), and once again remember, be a woman only a fool would leave.

sending you hugs and prayers-
j-