There and Back, #14

[SallyM]

lwb, the kids were sooo funny. and its amazing how much they have grown in the past year. it was heartwarming, a little bittersweet, but nice to watch. S5 asked me if daddy was going to be here for christmas this year. sniff. I didn't tear up, actually, just said no, honey, you'll be spending the afternoon/night with him, though. he seemed okay with that. still, wow.

one of the funny things I taped was our bedtime routine. the two of us always put the kids to bed together, and it was hard when I first started doing it full time on my own, but now I'm such an old pro I almost forget what its like to have help.

speaking of church, I think I'm going to brave it tomorrow. I haven't been in a while, the kids haven't been in months. but I think I'm going to go ahead.

will catch up more with you later. will be around, just chilling tonight.

neph, forgot to thank you earlier about your thoughts on what I should do. anyone else with thoughts about whether I should go ahead and pursue h for his "deal" for me on arbitration, or should I just let it lie for now. I don't know if I should just get it going and try to strike while he might be in a generous mood.

[Reincarnated]

morgan--
I know of the pull...that is why I don't have any pics of H around (the kids have some in their rooms), no tapes, not even looking forward to the XMas stuff that you tackled (but SO smart to do early--I will do that with our ornaments, the only thing that should be way hard).

I can't be around him, because it is like the last year disappears from my memory, and it is just H, the man who I used to know and love.
At least it is getting a bit better if we have to talk briefly on the phone. I know my limitations, though...I don't plan on being alone with him for a very long time.

[SallyM]

donna, nice that people understand that pull. it is soooo hard sometimes, not to give in to it. I'm finding myself fantasizing a bit tonight. picturing h as he used to be. and more. have to remind myself he isn't that man any more. even if he seems like it to everyone else but me, he was never a man to lie/cheat/betray, and now he is, so even if he is still smart/funny/cute, he also has that other element.

I'm glad it is getting better for you on the phone. that part is hard for me. that's where my own issues come to play a bit...it feels hostile not to chat. but I'm dealing with it. I'm not being hostile at all, I do know that, but wow, does it feel like I am. I'm learning my limitations, and trying not to stretch them too far right now.

the christmas thing was one of the best things I could have done. if you are up for it, do it some weekend when the kids are with him, so you can have a good cry. call a friend to go thru it with you if that helps. I know in my heart I will be able to decorate with the kids w/o losing it now...but only because I really let it fly last night.

I'm not saying the holidays will be easy, but I'm actually looking forward to decorating now. I am very into the holidays, so making sure I don't allow him to take them away from me is important. same with watching old home movies. that was really big for me to do, to sit down with the kids and watch some today. I have loved home movies since i was a child, watching the sound-less film my parents took from time to time. I still love it today...and glad I was able to face even the ones with him in it with a smile on my face.

okay, weird thing. I keep picturing H tonight. and for some reason (tmi) he is naked. not sexual, just naked, walking around the house, etc. I can't seem to get the visions of him out of my mind right now. I wonder what that means, if anything?

part of me is bugged because now he is hers...all hers....his nakedness is hers. the good, the bad, the ugly, all hers. its weird to think of that, actually.

another thought...god, I miss pillow talk. I miss it so much.

I don't know what to do at this point. for a long time I chased away visions of him with her...used my mantra, or stop! or whatever to banish the thoughts. they were too painful, and destructive to any notion of us getting back together. now I wonder if I should embrace them....let them come at will, peel away whatever layers are there, let them flow on by. will that help me detach?

my therapist early on told me the more I knew, the harder it would be to get back together. at the same time, if I was ready to end things, it would help. is this the same as that? or is it a stumbling block to me moving down my own path?

[Reincarnated]

It is so hard to tell. I guess you have to know, and find, your own limitations. There are many people here who can do the Act As If thing. Maybe because of my codependency, I just couldn't. I needed to be broken, to actually get to the point where I don't care anywhere near the level that I did. I was afraid to get to this place, where I may not ever want him back at all. Letting go is the hardest thing that codependent people ever have to face, and will be a daily focus for me for the remainder of my life, I think.

I always picture my H leaving the door open when he pees. Or trimming his nose hair. It wasn't until he left that he started to notice and chop through the unibrow he usual sported unless I reminded him. The hard core that I remember has been covered with a layer of softness around his middle and chest, overlapping pants that he still swears is his size. I wonder if he farts and belches in front of her as much--like he didn't even know it happened. If he orders the porn when she isn't there (he was doing that while he was still sleeping with both of us!).

She can have that version. With all of his aches and pains, bad back and wrist, crankiness and hot temper, his sitting for hours in front of the tv...
maybe he did have to leave to become a better person. Who knows at this point? Maybe this is his chance to grow, if and when he ever steps up to the plate. Maybe this is who he wanted to be all along.

My H, the man I loved, was that young boy at 15, leaning out the truck window to yell he would call me tomorrow--and he did. The one who sang to me "First Time" by Styx and "Glory of Love". The boy I made love to in every place possible as a teen--some of it stays with me to today, like the warm Feb day in a clearning in the woods...The man who reached out our puppy to me on our honeymoon and said "This is the one." The man who silently cried while I was slipping into a coma just before our son was born, scared at what he could loose. The man who held me for weeks after my father died, although we were both too heartbroken to be intimate--we were just there for each other. The man who sat by my side for 8 hours during our D's skull surgery, never letting go of my hand.

Nothing can take those things away from me. Those are mine, those memories and that love. It might not continue into a future, but I will always have that man in my heart. He doesn't exist anymore but in my heart. He has been gone for a long time, now; longer than I ever thought was possible. He is a ghost of himself.

It is part of acceptance. Hold onto the good as memories to treasure, forgive the bad that we can't go back and do over, and move on.

[nephartiti]

Wow, Donna. That was profound. I struggle to hold onto the good memories. I am so caught up in the hurt and drama that it is hard to believe that the past was real. I wonder if he ever did really love me.

[NNP1965]

Something just struck me as I was reading your last post Donna. I understand what you are saying about "needing to be broken".

Before I got married, if the person I was dating did not treat me right (in my eyes) or meet my expectations, I worked on making it better for an amount of time, but once I was done, I was done. Nothing that person could do would ever win me back.

I think after I got married, I refused to acknowledge a lot of things for fear of getting to that place.

I appreciate so much being able to read waht other people go through on this board. Sometimes it brings something to light in my own sitch.

[SallyM]

donna, what an amazing post. I feel so similarly in that I really want to hold on to my good memories. H has tried to twist and change them, I'm done hearing his re-creation of things. I want to remember the good...I don't want him to ever take that away from me. he can have the memories he chooses.

nnp, I can't even imagine someone treating me the way H has treated me, the way he has talked to me. it floors me, shocks me, makes me think he is crazy, because what sane person acts this way? I don't know when it became okay for him to treat me the way he does. and really, its only okay in his mind, I need to not let it be okay. one of the biggest things my therapist has shown me is not only how to stay in a confrontation, but also how its okay to walk away. I used to run from any kind of confrontation, then when I learned to stand my ground, I didn't understand there are times when it is acceptable, even healthy, to leave. I think I've finally figured that out. its one thing to have a tough dialog, its a whole 'nother ballgame to stay and be verbally abused.

[SallyM]

hey all

have had a pretty good day. took the kids to church for the first time in a long time. not sure how I feel about church right now, to tell the truth. I have some of my own issues with it. but I do have a strong spiritual base that I want to pass on to my kids, and I think church may help with that. we shall see.

it was hard being there. I haven't been in a church since h and I went into st. patricks over memorial day weekend and lit candles. I found myself praying a lot while there, not just focusing on the liturgy. but I find myself no longer praying for H to see the light, to come out of the fog, to save my marriage. it all just feels like its so far gone, nothing, no effort, no prayer, nothing, could make a difference now. and wow, that makes me sad. I found the only thing I could really focus my prayers on were prayers for strength. I need strength...I have a lot of storms in the future I need to weather, and I'm not really sure I'm up for them.

one day at a time. trying to take things one day at a time.

my friend, who is active in this church, apparently has a big mouth, too. we rarely go to church, but when we have, we have been going to one a few towns over (the priest who married h and I moved there when we moved here). I decided to go to our parish church instead today. apparently my friend, who was there, chatted a bit about my situation. when we all went down for coffee/donuts/chat after mass, I was practically attacked by the ministry leader. she brought over half a dozen ladies at a time, all very sweet and supportive, all obviously knowing my situation. one lady, in charge of shawl ministries, offered me a shawl. she and some other ladies knit them on wedn, then pray over them and touch them and imbue them with their spirit, then offer them to the sick and those going thru tough times. she went on and on and on. I took it in the spirit in which it was given...I know a lot of love and support went into it. but I couldn't help feeling like I was walking around the church with a billboard on my head. TRAGIC STORY! WOMAN WHO COULDN'T KEEP HER HUSBAND!

ugh.

anyway, it was a bit tough. by around the 3rd group of ladies, I told the kids it was time to go, we had a lot to do today, and waded my way thru them to my car. my friend obviously felt a little sheepish, didn't realize I'd be quite so inundated, and told me I was welcome to kill her tomorrow. since she is coming over for a playdate I am hosting, I plan to do just that.

not much else to tell. hope everyone is having a good sunday.

[Reincarnated]

OMG! Not sure how I would have handled that. One or two people commiserating at a time, I can handle. But a CROWD? Yes. Kill her. ;0)

Something struck me when you mentioned your prayers.

In AlAnon, they talk a lot about being able to let go and let God. Each member is encouraged to turn their problems over to a Higher Power than themselves, as they understand Them. I am more spiritual than religious, but even turning the problem over to the support group (venting here) can count.
Any time the topic comes up, it is the hardest thing anyone struggles with.

Someone said that they prayed all the time, but for what they wanted, not what God wanted. Their own will, not God's will...

I just thought that if you were religious, that might help. Instead of praying for H to come home, you can pray that His will be done, and the strength (like you said) to accept that.

I had always recited the Lord's prayer by rote; now I actually listen to the words. The Serenity prayer also helps keep it in focus:

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change...
to change the things I can...
And the wisdom
to know the difference...

And the only thing we can control and change is ourselves.

I'm sure you've known / read all of this already, but I have to be reminded so often--I hope it might help you in some small way.

{{{morgan}}}

[Dom R]

I just thought that if you were religious, that might help. Instead of praying for H to come home, you can pray that His will be done, and the strength (like you said) to accept that.

The tricky bit with that, is being willing and open to EITHER way.

A lot of times, when people start praying like that, they are doing so, because they think that they need "help" to come around to one side or another.
They judge the success of the prayer, on whether their mind has become accepting of what they think that they "should" be accepting.
Rather than keep open eyes and heart to what God really has in mind for them.