donna, nice that people understand that pull. it is soooo hard sometimes, not to give in to it. I'm finding myself fantasizing a bit tonight. picturing h as he used to be. and more. have to remind myself he isn't that man any more. even if he seems like it to everyone else but me, he was never a man to lie/cheat/betray, and now he is, so even if he is still smart/funny/cute, he also has that other element.
I'm glad it is getting better for you on the phone. that part is hard for me. that's where my own issues come to play a bit...it feels hostile not to chat. but I'm dealing with it. I'm not being hostile at all, I do know that, but wow, does it feel like I am. I'm learning my limitations, and trying not to stretch them too far right now.
the christmas thing was one of the best things I could have done. if you are up for it, do it some weekend when the kids are with him, so you can have a good cry. call a friend to go thru it with you if that helps. I know in my heart I will be able to decorate with the kids w/o losing it now...but only because I really let it fly last night.
I'm not saying the holidays will be easy, but I'm actually looking forward to decorating now. I am very into the holidays, so making sure I don't allow him to take them away from me is important. same with watching old home movies. that was really big for me to do, to sit down with the kids and watch some today. I have loved home movies since i was a child, watching the sound-less film my parents took from time to time. I still love it today...and glad I was able to face even the ones with him in it with a smile on my face.
okay, weird thing. I keep picturing H tonight. and for some reason (tmi) he is naked. not sexual, just naked, walking around the house, etc. I can't seem to get the visions of him out of my mind right now. I wonder what that means, if anything?
part of me is bugged because now he is hers...all hers....his nakedness is hers. the good, the bad, the ugly, all hers. its weird to think of that, actually.
another thought...god, I miss pillow talk. I miss it so much.
I don't know what to do at this point. for a long time I chased away visions of him with her...used my mantra, or stop! or whatever to banish the thoughts. they were too painful, and destructive to any notion of us getting back together. now I wonder if I should embrace them....let them come at will, peel away whatever layers are there, let them flow on by. will that help me detach?
my therapist early on told me the more I knew, the harder it would be to get back together. at the same time, if I was ready to end things, it would help. is this the same as that? or is it a stumbling block to me moving down my own path?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
