More complicated than I imagined...

[Michael Mc C]

Okay, so D11 went up to Hunter yesterday and W just left with D13 to spend the night as well. I'm very happy she's going just so she can be out in the real world again. The only outside interaction she has anymore (besides phone calls and her online world) is when she picks the kids up at school, brings her father to a doctor appointment or the rare visit with our neighbor (very rare, very short visits).

Yesterday was the BEST day we have had since things fell apart in early September.

It started with her asking me to work from upstairs instead of in my office. I had a couple of phone meetings which I had to take downstairs and after each one, I took my time coming back up. No need to rush back up - give her a chance to wonder when I was coming back up.

While I was making dinner she walked past me and slid her hand across my hip. I jokingly said 'keep yer hand of my a$$', she responded with 'yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever'.

After dinner she placed her hand on my arm, again in the kitchen and just in passing. No comment this time.

This was the first time she touched me since the bomb (okay, we've "touched" but I'm sure everyone understands the importance of this type of a touch).

Once again I'm faced with the reality that this episode does not mean that we have been saved. However, as each of these baby steps come up (the touching, the spanking, the invitation for coffee/breakfast/working from the kitchen table, etc.), I store them in my memory and hope she does as well.

One thing I've learned this week is that while the attention boosts the PMA and self-esteem, it takes some real work not to let it be the driving force for either of these. These moments have been missed for a long time so it's very easy for them to come in and turn your brain back into oatmeal, causing you to forget that this is only part of the goal of DB'ing.

It took me some time to really understand that saving my marriage may have been the catalyst for me to start DB'ing, but this is not the only purpose nor the only benefit.

After the week we've had, I am relieved actually that she will be away tonight. It will give me time alone with S8 and will let me take a step back to get an idea of how things are really going. It will also give her the opportunity to miss me (not necessarily an expectation but definitely a hope).

I hope everyone has a great weekend!