Divorced but CANNOT "move on": Urgent Help Needed!

[Dead Man Walking]

...I find this offensive. Why would the idea that a relationship might be interracial have to do with anything? (Full disclosure: my xh and I are from different races, different cultures, different countries. My son is multiracial.)

Azhira,

The words I quoted were my XW's, spoken in anger to our son, and later to me. I can certainly understand your finding them offensive, and I regret now sharing those words here. Understand, the four of us were raised in the conservative "Bible belt" of the Deep South--with fundamentalist Christian tenets. I know as fact that neither my XW, me, or either of our children are in the least bit racist. (S12's two best friends are a different race.)

XW was apparently making a point that she alone would decide who, whether or when she would remarry--and feels no obligation to attempt to "sell" her choice to the kids or anyone else. My irritation with this attitude has more to do with her callous disregard for the impact of her decisions upon two vulnerable and innocent children. This is especially hard for me to swallow, given the destructive effects upon her & her siblings--due to her own father's horrendous choice of a second wife.

Stop with the idea that you, and only you, are right for your XW. This view will get you no where.

Well, I'm trying to understand where you and Just_Me are coming from with this. You both are telling me that there's no evidence that I'm any better for my XW than her current #1 OM. While I'll concede that there's always more than one "right man" for every woman, the facts as I know them do not support your supposition that--after 3 weeks of searching--she just happened to luckily stumble upon "Mr. Right" after 20 years out of the dating scene.

Call me defensive or combative or "non-detached". The facts about her present OM do not speak well of him. He has demonstrated a lack of concern about adhering to professional ethics; he has lied to my XW about his intentions since he met her; he passed himself off as a "Christian gentleman...who lives an appropriate lifestyle"--although he has pressed her for sex from their first date. Even tonight, she is sleeping in his bed, while his "MySpace.com" profile fails to mention that he is ostensibly "in a relationship", yet makes it clear that he is "looking for romance".

[Incidentally, Mr. OM continues to be quite evasive when asked about the events leading him to divorce Mrs. OM #1.]

Just_Me's challenge to me will be difficult, but it's worth the effort: I will give it my best shot to refrain from any talk about either our relationship or about her new love interests. [I'll wager that if either topic comes up, it will be XW who broaches the subjects.]

Thanks again to you both for the "tough love" approach; I hope to get to the point where I'll recognize the point of your messages before acting upon the urge to defend my actions.