What a good year this has been.....

[forever21]

Okay, back to post some more.

Kman.... Thanks so much! Yeah, I think it's fishy. I am trying to wait until I get more information before I say too much more about this, but I am definitely suspicious.

The only contact I made with H today was to email him about what I'd found out about the mediation. He sent me an email and numerous texts. He is mostly off the obvious pressuring, but onto acting really nice and loving... trying to win me over so I'll sign this for him I'm sure.

It turns out we might be able to do a phone conciliation with a mediator after I've gotten the legal info on the QCD matter. Later on, we could schedule some mediation in person for other issues. It takes a few weeks to get that scheduled, but sounds like it's an exceptional service. They provide 2 mediators and they are highly trained. I was very impressed by the gal I spoke with on the phone today. I don't expect this will happen though. As soon as this current matter is resolved, I think H will not have the interest... and that's fine. I really don't care at this point.

Today H sent me an email stating (again) that this property he is looking to purchase has been appraised at $50k over what he'd be purchasing it for. And again how I will be released from any liability at all by signing the QCD so I can't get screwed in any way. What a good thing this all is. And again that he'd use the equity to start paying off debts... and this time he said "starting with your credit cards if you wish". Ha. Sorry, but still not believing anything he says. It's too bad he cannot be trusted. We'll see what this lawyer says next week.

If I can use this whole sitch to my advantage and just get out of this M without more financial damage, I just may do it. I just don't know yet. Need more information. He is so desperate for this to happen that he seems very willing to negotiate... he even said he was. I feel like he will try to rush me after my appointment next week. My brain doesn't work that fast. I'll need a little time to think. There's such a big part of me that just wants to tell him to forget it. If he is "needing" a place of his own to live in at this point... a year after he left... then we just need to D already. My clock is ticking. Of course he says we could use this as a rental later. Ohhhh.... "We" could? Well, then, why do I need to sign a quit claim?

H was again concerned today that I hadn't given him an answer on what type of lawyer I'm seeing. He was texting me asking if this was a divorce L, and then for their name. I wasn't home so I was able to tell him I couldn't remember their name and that they'd just been recommended for this matter. He later said his "financial lady" had called him to say she might be able to have some paperwork ready before my appointment Wednesday (he'd previously said they probably wouldn't), and that she also told him that I was smart to see an attorney and like I said she would expect him to do the same. He went on to say he feels good about my choice, that I always am smarter than him, and thanked me. Sounds like she might've been trying to ease his anxiety over me seeing a L.

Hope that provided some entertainment anyway.

Maybe I just have a bad attitude and am overly pessimistic right now, but I find myself rolling my eyes and shaking my head a lot over all this. Just feel pretty apathetic. But don't get me wrong, I cried yesterday when I couldn't be there for him. I'd listened to him crying to me in his voicemails, and he begged me to talk to him. I just can't trust him. He has been so manipulative.

For him to try to convince me, himself, or anyone else, that he has helped me out so much just doesn't do anything for me. It's so sad. If I can do anything for him, I think it is to let him fall and not enable him. It's time to truly save myself.

Thanks for listening.

[forever21]

Just wanted to journal.

Everything feels so surreal to me lately. I can't believe how time has flown. I notice how depressing my posts sound lately. Things are getting better though.

I've been trying to catch up on everybody lately, but have just not posted much. Many of you sound really good. And those of you who are going through a rough patch, like myself, are going to find some sunshine very soon. Have faith. I have faith and a good feeling I can... will... make my life amazing.

I'm so glad I went to Hawaii. It was so good for me. I'm looking forward to going back again soon now. I just have this feeling that is where I should be. It's something I have thought for years... many years.... but just haven't gone after my own dreams I guess. This might all sound funny, but I don't care.

I've done well over this last year... well, over this last decade plus really... but that's all just so relative. I found myself really lost again recently. Here I was trying to get "started" with a new life but was really struggling... feeling pretty stuck. I am now taking steps again, and know that I can accomplish whatever I want. I hope to feel stronger and more empowered each day. I'm planning on it actually. I know I deserve to feel loved and respected. There is so much more life for me to live. I think I was trying to start a new life in a way that would leave the door open for my H to return, and that I wasn't just living my life for me. I've no doubt that is why I was finding it difficult... why I was stuck.

When I was in Hawaii I met this nice group of Navy guys (well, other super nice folks too who also had a positive impact on me) and really enjoyed hanging out with them. One of these guys in particular really made an impression on me though. No, not like that. It was so nice to meet gentlemen out there. That alone was a little blessing for me... to help restore my faith in the opposite sex a little, or myself rather for attracting good guys. This guy's young, only 24, and really seemed to have a good head on his shoulders. Nice to see. We had more in common than other people I've run into, and he was truly a surfer so it was really nice to paddle out with him.

This guy reminded me an awful lot of myself. His personality traits and values seemed so similar to mine. Meeting him sort of held up a mirror for me. Reminds me what it looks like to know you have your whole life ahead of you and be full of dreams while living responsibly. I was only getting a glimpse of this person obviously, but it just helped wake up the person inside me who has been lost... beat down even. He was a live example of what I used to be more like when I was younger, what I've temporarily lost, all that I have going for me, and also some crucial pieces that were and are simply missing for me. It reminded me how I should've been, and am not, living my life. Not that he is living my dream, just served as a reminder to me what mine is... sort of a wake-up.

It's not as if I haven't been picturing myself living my life again the way I want to be, it's that I haven't been able to get out of this rut and get started in a serious way.... to just do it. I didn't place myself and my own dreams as a priority from the get-go, but instead put H's dreams/needs/wants before mine. I lacked that kind of maturity and selffulness (as I like to call it). As a result I stripped away some of the confidence, self-esteem, and hopefulness I once had, and didn't live my dreams. What a sad cycle. It's never too late, but there's no need to waste any more time.

Let's get busy living.

[inspiredjulie]

What a successful trip it was for you, then! If for nothing else

it just helped wake up the person inside me who has been lost... beat down even.

Brings tears to my eyes, really. It just sounds so promising and full of hope and that is a good thing. We can't know exactly how you are feeling, babe, but this is a great thing to hear. You're doing amazingly well. You are an amazing woman. And I want you to keep nourishing this lost person inside of you. Besides, I really only would want to visit Hawaii if I know a local.

Good for you! Keep moving along, you're doing just fine. Love you.

[forever21]

Thanks chica! You're the best!! It was a successful trip. Today I'm finally starting to feel how I felt a week ago at the end of my trip. My cold is getting better, I'm feeling better. But I hate that you have one now.

I should probably be working feverishly at paperwork and junk like that, preparing for the appointment with attorney on Wednesday... but no, and I don't feel guilty about it either. There's a lot to be said for feeling good, and not stressed out.

I got somewhere today on my roof and gutters. Yay! I feel pretty darn good with myself for that. I figured I was gonna have to pay someone to do the job for me, but I think I'll be able to tackle it fairly well on my own. If the weather permits tomorrow I'll get back out there again. And I need to fire up the pressure washer too. My driveway needs it. Should be fun.

Mr. Nice texted me this morning to say hi and ask if I was feeling better. Funny he'd forgot to ask all last week (until Friday evening, when I think he finally realized his approach wasn't working). Selfish Manipulator. I didn't reply. Whatever. He's so nice when there is something he wants. I know he doesn't really give a flying @#$%.

Did I mention I'm feeling SOOO much better. Life is gonna be great.

Hope all of you are treating yourselves well... with lots of love.

[forever21]

Oh, and since you'd really only want to visit Hawaii if you know a local... what can I say? I may just have to help a friend out.

[BethM]

Everything feels so surreal to me lately. I can't believe how time has flown. I notice how depressing my posts sound lately. Things are getting better though.


Let's get busy living.

F21!!!!

First off I answered you over in Surviving which was stupid, so I decided to mosy on over here and say hey!

Why do you think that your posts sound depressing? I think they sound pretty introspective. Isn't that a good thing? You've been living in Limbo for so long, waiting on Husband to wake up, but now you're actually starting to look around and maybe even think of yourself for a change. That's all good sweetie!

You know, I understand that we all had dreams that were either missed opportunities, or we ourselves tossed them aside for another choice. It's never to late to recapture what we've lost or put on hold. That's one of the best things about being in this position. Your life certainly is far from over and the onething I feel in your sitch is that your husband really needs to have a fire lit under him or he will never have to choose.

I also found the quit claim dicussion very fishy. In a case like that it should be either or, not onething hinging on the other, but Kev's response was really the right one so I won't confuse the issue anymore.

Your vacation sounded wonderful!! I was jealous just reading about it, but not so jealous that I wasn't thrilled that you had such a great time. I think the time away helps us to refocus and it sure seems to have worked for you.

I would bet (and this is my unbiased opinion of course) that you were the best thing that ever happened to your husband. He knows it and now that you've gotten more of yourself back I think you know it too.

Love,
Bethie

[forever21]

Great to hear from you here, Bethie!!!! I did read your post to me over in Surviving too, that was nice.

The power was out here for several hours today, but it's back on now. It's nice and toasty because I have a fire going in the wood stove, which I don't normally do. The storm had died but a few minutes ago it looked like it might not be done. Hope it is. Gonna do popcorn and a movie tonight. Haven't done that in a long time.

Why do you think that your posts sound depressing? I think they sound pretty introspective. Isn't that a good thing? You've been living in Limbo for so long, waiting on Husband to wake up, but now you're actually starting to look around and maybe even think of yourself for a change. That's all good sweetie!

Thank you for that. You're right. I just knew I wasn't having much of a PMA, but I also don't think it's such a bad thing. No need to always make myself feel good/happy in a lame situation. I think that has contributed to me not getting myself out of this spot. Feeling depressive and negative isn't good though, but I'm doing better now.

You know, I understand that we all had dreams that were either missed opportunities, or we ourselves tossed them aside for another choice. It's never to late to recapture what we've lost or put on hold. That's one of the best things about being in this position. Your life certainly is far from over and the onething I feel in your sitch is that your husband really needs to have a fire lit under him or he will never have to choose.

True. You're right, again. Getting to sort of start over is most definitely one of the best things about being in this position. I know my life is far from over. As far as my H/M goes though, I am not feeling the hope. I'm still really interested in hearing your thoughts on lighting a fire under my him. You have any idea how that might happen?

I guess I think it's most likely I will be cutting all ties with him if I don't sign that quit claim.... based on everything he said and just how I'm feeling about it all. Yeah, I know... don't believe anything they say. Regardless, I say "too bad", because I'm not scared to act in my own best interest and he cannot expect me to trust his word.

I no longer see myself being happy with him anyway. I think I just got fed up with him. Finally had enough. He isn't attractive to me anymore. We probably should've just divorced when he had his first affair. At this point, I guess I'm not seeing the good in him. There is good in everyone, we all know, but the bad in him is keeping me from wanting to go there again. I think it's self-preservation at this point. I don't trust him at all.

I also found the quit claim dicussion very fishy. In a case like that it should be either or, not onething hinging on the other, but Kev's response was really the right one so I won't confuse the issue anymore.

Feels good to know you're skeptical too. As much as I wanted to dig deeper to find out exactly why I needed to sign that (like Kev suggested), I know I can't trust my H to tell me the truth. I've also been following my C's advice to just talk to an attorney to get the info I need, so I've refrained from trying to gather information from H and his sources. In the meantime, it's a little tempting to talk to H's "financial lady" to hear her explanation even though part of me doesn't want to talk to any of "his people". H would be happy for me to. Do you think I should? It's so hard to see this clearly from where I sit.

Thank you, Beth, my vacation was wonderful. It was exactly what I needed.
And... yeah, I guess I am starting to see again that I was the best thing that ever happened to my H. Thanks for that too!

(((((Bethie)))))

Hope all is well for you and yours.

[Kman]

Hi f21-

Real quick...

Understood that you can't really trust or believe what he says. My suggestion would be to do the following, in this order (sounds like maybe you've done some of this, so ignore what is repetitive):

1. Ask him point blank if he is using you and your credit history to help him buy this property (doesn't matter if he's telling the truth or not, you'll find out soon enough).

2. Ask him who the realtor and/or person he's buying this property from is/are, and ask for their contact information.

3. Ask him through whom or through what bank he's financing this purchase, and the contact information for it as well.

If he stonewalls on any of it, no problem, the matter is settled and he knows what he can do with his quit claim. If he gives you the info, then go investigate further, straight from the horses mouth. You might also want to look at the appraisal for the property - there must be one somewhere.

Of course, there's option 2, which is much more simple. Tell him to go jump in the lake, and forget about the whole thing.

Oh and just to be on the safe side you may want to contact the 3 credit bureaus (equifax, transunion, experian) and tell them to notify you any time your credit is checked. I believe that this service is of no charge to you. That way nothing can happen involving your credit without you knowing about it.

Hope you are feeling better, you sound like it at least a little...

Kev

[NikB]

Hi f21,

I think you're so right to be skeptical!! I'm glad you're taking care of yourself.

I like Kev's suggestions.

You could also put a fraud alert on with the credit reporting agencies. It's mostly voluntary in that some places might grant the credit anyway, but it's free and it's one more layer of protection. I had to do this with mine (due to trash stolen from a bank..).. I'd say 80% of the time when I apply for credit they are now extra vigilant in asking me for verifying info. So.. it can be a bit of a hassle but may be worthwhile if you are suspicious.

I agree, you sound introspective but better. ((f21))

[forever21]

Kev!!!!!

Thank you!!!!

I am feeling better, and you gave me some smiles and laughs here too.
Though I know you are serious.
This makes such a huge difference for me. This kind of support is just what I needed right now.

Okay....

Of course, there's option 2, which is much more simple. Tell him to go jump in the lake, and forget about the whole thing.

Option 2 is the one I have been leaning toward, but my C saved me from that by telling me to do it this way.... let H pay for me to consult with a L to give me more info before I make a decision. The decision is still mine regardless of what the L says of course.

I like how you think! Do you think your first "option" would be effective enough by email? Here's why I ask.....

I haven't spoke with H since Tuesday morning... a week ago... because of the pressure. I had set a boundary that I'd only talk with him again if it was with a mediator, and I don't want to back down on that. The mediator suggested I wait until after the appt with L before trying to discuss this with H... and it would just be a phone conciliation anyway because of scheduling. I could ask those questions during that. I know it might be helpful to have already covered these bases before I see the L on Wednesday.

Thanks for the other info too.... I will keep the appraisal in mind. H did say there was one. And you're right, I do need to contact the credit bureaus.

Hope you're doing great! You sound like it.

(((((Kman)))))