Calling All Cats :)

[cat03]

I just read LN's post elsewhere, describing EXACTLY what goes on w/my H. Finally he's able to tell me how pushed he felt at C, how attached he felt when the C asked him "so, are yo w/her because the rent is cheap?" etc. He was pretty ticked off, saying that he just felt cornered for an answered:

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Love is a choice? Maybe, but I really think it is a mistake to tell our spouses that. What is it really saying when we tell them that love is a choice? We are pressuring them. We are saying love is a choice, the right choice is to love me, stop being a stubburn idiot and make the right choice already. I'm right, you're wrong. I've made the choice to love you, so love me already. They bristle at that, they hate being pushed, told what to feel and think. We are also telling them that they are defective "what's wrong with you that you can't make this choice and make it now?". They fear they are defective, that something is seriously wrong with them. Why can't they choose to love us?

I think we need to back off. Let them wait for the "feeling" to come back. We may know it's a choice, and they are really working on making that choice right now. It takes time. They need to come to it on their own. And, if they believe it's a feeling, not a choice, and they feel it toward us, should we complain?
.....

And despite this, they stay with us and keep working on our R in their own way. Maybe they know deep down what is right. Maybe they know they love us, and maybe they know love is a choice. And I think the real issue is, they need to get to where they can like and love themselves. Just like us with GALing. They can't love us until they feel strong enough in themselves to risk it. The OP is another attempt to avoid looking at themselves. The OP is an outside source of validation. Again, the OP isn't important, it's really all about the spouse and their journey to get to know and like themselves.

********They may fear that if they choose to love us, they could lose themselves and need us for validation. They need to validate themselves. It takes time.**********

That's my H in a nutshell, afraid that I'll betray him, turn on him(yes, he saw the irony in that) but I get him, I understand what his fear is.

We had a tiny talk, I listened and try to validate him, and at the end he said he did see half of the C's points. I ask him to write down what goals he'd like to achieve and what do I do that bothers him. He said that's a good idea and that it has helped in the past to write things down.
I see some progress there, he's still sleeping downstairs, but I see progress and I'm good with that, as long as we are heading forward, I'm good

About my online friend, amazing! he actually was glad I told him because he is also in an R, and we both agreed we are not looking for anything else, just silly chat, I have no plans to ever talk to him over the phone nor meet him. I want him as a friend with whom I can unwind and be carefree, if only for 1 hr. It helps me to not get all hung up on my H.