Did a personal best ever at the gym last night--jogged 1.25 miles. Even at my most fit (and I was fit), I topped out at 1.15. So, yay me! Had an awesome exercise high from it last night, so I am just feeling great.
Things are still a little 'off' between xh and I, but, whatever...I did push, and push hard for a few days. That will resolve itself. I do think I needed to say what I did...at this point, since he is closed, and I am just repeating myself, it doesn't matter. Done for now.
Baby and I wound up sleeping at his place again last night--xh had a paper he was writing he wanted my help proof-reading. I am more than happy to be flexible, where his college classes are concerned. So we went over there, and I brought some wine for us to relax.
So. Last night...
After I am sound asleep, at some point, xh climbs onto my side of the bed. He can't be completely unaware, as this means he is going over/around the baby...it's not just a matter of rolling over and snuggling up.
We wind up in some, um, heavy touching. () At some point, xh goes for more...I tell him (gently) no... He keeps offering. Would I like abc? (Uh, yes!, but not the point.) I politely decline. How about xyz? Again, I decline. It takes me a few minutes to convince him that I'm really not going to let him go further. (I really, really, really wanted to. It's been awhile...)
He finally agrees, then starts apologizing. He says he was having a "sex dream", and didn't totally know what he was doing. (Um, okay. )
This morning, he apologizes again. Says he doesn't want me mad at him for that. (The sex.) Uh...wow...totally missed the point, didn't he? I am not opposed to having sex with my ex-husband, just with someone who is also involved with someone else. (Oh. Just got another apology on the phone from him.)
Aaaanyway.
In other news.
I totally don't know how I didn't identify the alien-speak the other night. (The thinly veiled ILYBNILY nonsense.) I used to be better at it, lol. Guess I was focusing on other aspects of the discussion.
So.
I did a lot of thinking while driving yesterday. (And Snobsdale drivers...yikes...what a weird sense of misplaced entitlement.) After much mulling it over, I came to several conclusions on how I want to proceed....
I think the "really good friends" angle is right. We were getting closer, xh acknowledges this. I also recall, the last time I busted this thing, spending time together was key. It was like, as we did more things together, it jogged his "buried" memories of what was so great about our R. What's tripping me up is the sex; not that he is in a fake-R with JD. I really don't have a problem with her. So, I'm going to keep that boundary of I-only-have-sex-in-monogamous-relationships. That way, I'm not hitting his abandonment fears by pulling back to much, I am still showing him unconditional friendship/love, I'm just refraining from something icky...and protecting my health, as well.
I've also noticed, xh does seem to absorb what I say to him. It may not be right away...or he may latch onto something I've said in anger...but if I don't phrase it about JD or me or him or us...then it's fine. I'll have to pay closer attention to future conversations, and just drop stuff in when the opportunity presents itself.
Oh. I think we're back to playing psuedo-married (minus sex). Which is fine; this approach feels right, deep down. I asked him yesterday about Thanksgiving. He sounded confused--of course we're spending it together, did I have to ask? lol His mom and her bf should still be here, and I invited my friend D over, since she's from the Midwest, too. Should be fun.
Wonder what he would do if I started wearing slightly nicer stuff to bed at night...?
) 
That way, I'm not hitting his abandonment fears by pulling back to much, I am still showing him unconditional friendship/love, I'm just refraining from something icky...and protecting my health, as well.
