Now what? Wait it out?

[Tara_9]

See above two posts...
We walked the dogs tonight together. It didn't feel strained (much) or awkward (much). It felt like "us". We chatted about everything but the relationship for almost an hour...then she had to say, "Are you all right?" I replied rather shortly, "I'm fine". She continued, "Well, you've been spending some time with me lately, and I wonder if it's healthy for you. I know you want a friendship or something, but is it healthy for you right now?" I just kind of waved my hand and said "Just...it's fine. It's good for the dogs." We kept walking and finally got back to chatting like we had been before. But what was that? "I know YOU want a friendship". Do I interpret that as her NOT wanting a friendship? Or is she saying "I know YOU want a friendship" and she's thinking to herself that "it ain't happening or that's all it's going to be so stop dreaming because I'm 'one' with the OP now"? I just don't know what to make of that comment.

Well, it wasn't bad overall, though her phone rang as she was getting in her car...I'm guessing it was the OP. Still, she said she'd let me know about if she could walk the dogs with me this weekend, and/or when next week we can go... Guess that's something... Or is it?

[Michael Mc C]

My guess here is that she hears you say that you want to be friends but she honestly believes you want the M - the whole package.

Her concern is possibly genuine in that she thinks you'll get your hopes up by having normal "family" time (non-R talks, walking the dogs, etc.) and will end up getting hurt because she is determined to do her thing.

I know my W is/was concerned that I wouldn't be able to handle her staying in the house. She knows that we are both in different 'places' right now. She did not want me thinking that time spent together means that things are working out.

The joke's on her though! She doesn't realize that the quality time we're spending together IS making things work (I hope...)

Your W is right though. Don't hang your hopes on quality time spent doing 'normal' things. Listen to what she's saying, that's where she's at right now. Make sure that the time you spend with her is quality time but be in control - end the time on your terms, get up and walk away before it gets awkward AND before she gets up and walks away. Maybe cut back on some of the time spent with her as well.

Just another example: I work from my home office downstairs. In the very beginning of the EA, my wife stopped calling me up for coffee during the day or to see if I could get off work earlier. After DB'ing just a little bit (really, I hid in my office a couple of hours a night for about a week - pathetic, but I was new to this), she began calling me again. Now she even stops by the office to talk to me. And we never talk about R stuff unless something major has occurred.

[Tara_9]

Have you noticed progress with your W? In that spending quality time together is bringing you closer? I see that she has come around somewhat in that she is comfortable enough to start calling you. Has she continued her EA? That's the worst part of this--this other person hanging over my head. I feel that every time I see or speak to her she's comparing the two of us and I always come up short. I haven't actually spent much time with her...I dropped off some of her things a few days ago and we chatted for a half hour. Then the thing with the dog I found, but again, I only saw her for maybe an hour. Then tonight with the dogs, and it was her who asked. I'm afraid if I don't somehow manage to turn this around soon, she'll be so far gone with the OP that she won't be able to turn back. Also, I get the impression that because she has said so much to our friends about her having been unhappy for so long, that she doesn't want to lose face by seeming to want to spend time with me. The reason I say that is that last night she had mentioned coming to see the dogs at my parents' but couldn't because she brought the stray dog I found to its foster family. I told her she could come see them at our friend's house where I'd be after that. She declined, saying that it would "stir the pot and get people talking". I really don't care what people think. The only person I have to answer to is me, and my gut is telling me to work this out if it can be worked out. But she's spent so much time building a case against us to justify what she's doing that I'm afraid she'll let pride stand in the way of even giving us a chance...

[Tara_9]

How long of not being in contact should pass before I start to panic? It's been a week of no contact from her. We walked the dogs together a week ago, and it seemed to go quite well (see earlier posts), but after that she pulled way back and ceased all contact. I'm scared she's leaving me behind for good. I've been getting out and meeting new people and doing new things, but still miss her terribly. She told a friend her "world is upside down" but she is with a "new person". Does that sound happy? I went out to brunch last weekend with an aquaintance (no romantic interest there at all--I'm so not there!!), and it was nice to get out. But the whole time I felt queasy, like I was cheating. I cannot understand how she could have seen her way clear to cheating without being physically/emotionally sick about it. How do people lock away feelings like that and compartmentalize? Wish I could. It may not be healthy, but I'd settle for easy over healthy in a heartbeat right now...

[Michael Mc C]

Have you noticed progress with your W? In that spending quality time together is bringing you closer? I see that she has come around somewhat in that she is comfortable enough to start calling you.

Yes, there has definitely been some progress. I don't believe we're anywhere close enough to starting to resolve things but the time we do spend together talking, even playing a little, is something we had been missing for a while. It's a start anyway.

Has she continued her EA? That's the worst part of this--this other person hanging over my head. I feel that every time I see or speak to her she's comparing the two of us and I always come up short.

The EA has ended (at least from the OM's perspective). I think she is still holding out hope but she doesn't spend as much time walking around pissed off like she once did. As for the comparison, I know what you mean. She told me weeks ago that she was trying to reconnect with me - while the EA was still in progress!! I said how can you possibly do that when you're still 'in love' with this guy AND I'm not 'allowed' to be myself right now?

The 'not allowed' part however was my mistake. She doesn't control that, I do. Regardless, the comparison, I think continues. As he fades more and more, I hope that my PMA will be strong enough for her to see what she almost gave up. I don't want to say that I'm trying to win her back, it's more like trying to remind her of who I really am.

losing face...

I used to be concerned about this. She built a very convincing case about how horrible it was to remain married to me and she tried it on everyone. I believe that she only succeeded in convincing herself. Anyway, my job is to counter that thinking by demonstrating a good argument (demonstrate, not discuss).

[Michael Mc C]

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the WAS has been questioning their marriage, albeit silently, for quite a while.

The fact that she feels her world is upside down could be an admission that she's just not sure what's going on. She's with someone else at the moment but it seems its more of a placebo - something to make her think (on the surface) that things are going to get better this way. Deep down inside, she has to know that running away from problems won't fix anything.

In my opinion anyway.

As for how long is too long without contact: I just don't know. In my case, as you know, I've been "lucky" (?) in that I see her every day. In theory, from what I've read, you should probably be going dark and let her initiate contact. The problem is that if you haven't detached enough, it's very difficult. I hope someone else on the board can offer some advice regarding this.

Keep trying to stay positive, at least about your own improvements and the steps you've already taken to GAL.

[Tara_9]

Thanks mcc-xfer. I appreciate your insight and i have gone dark. But hard doesn't even begin to describe it. She's been telling people that the OP is nothing like me and that it's "all good". I can't believe she could say that to people. I swear it's like we were in two different relationships to hear her talk....