You did good not talking to him about it let him wonder as he is the one that wants to be freed from marriage. Or so he thinks.
Stay detached and vague it's working and you are doing so good, feeling good about you. Let him have his craziness, if he comes around that thats the icing on the cake but either way you will be great.
Yes power tools are awesome!!!
Wish i could come out to cali to the Db get together but unfortunatly I can't
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
"Yes, I probably should have actually talked to him about it but.."
Why??? Is he telling you his innermost thoughts? His plans? His desires? Why he keeps being weird about the mortgage payment??
You are doing fine. You are finally not more into the R than he is.
" for now, it just feels good to be doing things for me, feel like I know what the heck is going on, and maybe make HIM wonder what's going on for a change."
f21 It's always wonderful when I can make someone smile, glad to hear that. Thank you!! I saw you posted an update, will drop by soon.
jak Good points... and yep, definitely staying detached. The H comments were minor observations, not obsessions or even things I actively LOOKED for, which was nice.
OT True. Actually I think I'm LESS in the R than he is at the moment.. which I didn't think was possible until I got there.
I guess there's a nagging feeling that I should have talked to him because of two things - first the decision I've come to that if he wants a D I won't buy him out. I sort of feel like I'm re-doing a room in "his" house without asking/discussing it. But it's not like it was a decorated or even nice room to begin with, in fact it's a room we planned to tear out and replace eventually, so I know I shouldn't worry about it.
And second, one of our problems all along has been avoidance of talking about the tough stuff. So the (small) part of me that is still "in" the R is thinking it's continuing a bad pattern. Then again... thinking out loud... it's only a bad pattern if you're actively building or working on an R, so maybe time to shift my thought process on that.
Something struck me today. We never had our "followup" talk from that last brief R talk we had. I was on pins and needles on Halloween thinking I wasn't ready to hear what he had to say, he wasn't ready to talk about it either, and it just never came up again. In the past though I'd have been obsessing about it until we talked. This time I haven't had the desire to bring it up, at all. I don't even CARE if we have that talk, and I'm surprised I honestly hadn't thought about it until today. There's nothing more I care to hear about our M from his perspective at the moment. Is that weird? Is that conflict avoidance? Or is that finally detached???
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Oh.. and jak.. I wish you could come too, but wow that'd be a long flight for you!!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
"Actually I think I'm LESS in the R than he is at the moment.."
Yes, well, there is the distance he is comfortable with. You aren't maintaining the degree of closeness he wants, so he finally has to do some of that. This is VERY good. For one thing, it will allow you to get to a more objective place and figure out what YOU want because you are out of hypervigilant/hypermanagement/hyper-bending-over-backwards mode. For another thing, he has space to figure out what he wants and to recognize something other than a feeling of being crowded.
I'd say it's detachment -- you and your actions and choices aren't all about H right now. You aren't trying to control/fix him. You see what you are getting from him. It is not sufficient. You are changing your life to make it work better for you, leaving him to his own stuff, and owning your own choices/future.
Thanks for the perspective, OT! That makes complete sense.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Nikki-- I am still following you...glad that H sees you as you are--getting back to you and the wonderful person you are!!! I am trying to get there more/again, too. I wish I could travel this thing in a straight line, but it does get easier. I am welcoming the space, now...
Can't wait to "see" the room done--hope you will post pictures.
Thanks for checking in, Donna! I'm with ya.. wish this were a straight(er) line at times. Nice to be on an upswing or more level spot, though. Seems we both are maybe.
You are so sweet. I honestly think deep down we are ALL wonderful people.. it's the bringing it out that counts. (and can be soo hard, especially when we're hurting).
On my room, I will definitely post pictures!! I should've taken some true "before" shots just for perspective.. but I'll take some in progress and afters, for sure. I hope it's not a big let down.. it's really a TINY room. It may be tied with my college dorm room (I had a "single") in terms of tiny-ness. It's nothing fancy or grand or anything, just a space of my own. That said though I AM pretty excited about it. It's funny how much I'm really getting into this. Maybe I'm a decorator at heart and never knew it...
Tonight was funny. I have a lot of weekend plans but for tonight I didn't have specific plans. I just knew I DID NOT want to be home. Realized it when it was 6:30 at work on a FRIDAY and I was still procrastinating on leaving, making up stuff to do that could really wait til Monday (or Tuesday..). Especially knowing H will be gone all day tomorrow and Sun it was kind of silly as I have a ton of "me time" in the house this weekend. But I just really didn't want to be home w/him. I finally decided fine, go DO something, at least.
So, just started driving around and doing whatever struck me as a good idea at the time. I got to see the aforementioned bed / futon set up and I actually think it'll work, if I can just get the dang thing delivered. Latest plan is prior to noon tomorrow.. if they mess it up again forget it, but I'm giving them one more shot.
I pretty much closed down Lowe's, Linens 'n' Things, and then Target.. hehe. 99% browsing but got a few things for my room too. I'm trying to figure out the easiest possible way to switch from sofa to bed to sofa... so that it looks good, and so I actually DO it every day instead of either having a bed set up in my "living" room all the time, or crunching myself up on the couch sized version at night. I think I have it now, hopefully. Two flat sheets, a thin cotton blanket, and over all that an oversized microsuede down throw in light blue. At night that'll be my comforter/quilt, and during the day I'm hoping I can pile up the sheets/blanket on one side of the sofa, and drape the throw over it and the back of the sofa... we'll see.
I did get a featherbed for comfort just in case, but I hope to return it if the sofa/bed itself is comfy enough. I have no idea how to "hide" or easily take that thing off daily.
I overpaid for a throw pillow that I LOVE (with my coupon only $15 though..). It's a muted beige shade like most of the blankets etc, but with a kind of arsty looking palm tree in the middle that has a lot of various blue and green tones in it. Perfect to bring together all the room colors. I got some very cheap throw pillows at Target that match it - so plan on the palm tree pillow in the middle or off to one side, surrounded by the blue/green pillows and the blue throw... should be pretty, I hope.
For the bathroom I got the 'hammock' soap holder that I'll use more as a ring/earring holder, and the beach umbrella toothbrush holder. I also got a plain (and much cheaper) traditional blue soap/lotion dispenser and cup. It looks cute but not over the top that way I think.
I have been spending too much $$ lately.. but also found out today my year-end bonus will be more than I expected, so I think I can pay for all this craziness fairly easily. And I've been careful that most of it's useful D or not.. so trying not to feel too guilty.
H was funny tonight, I got home fairly late and he was watching a movie that was almost over. We talked about his day, some stuff at work (all H related).. seemed good. But I noticed he kept looking at me funny and not saying much. Just before bed he said "so..well.. so.. I mean.. where'd you go tonight?" [funny tone.. like, "I know I have no right to ask but I want to know" is how I took it].
I said "oh just out and about" (my new vague answer for everything). Then said "Had fun though, thanks for asking!" He pushed a bit more, so rather than share where I went I shared what I didn't do.. "I was so bummed, a friend asked me out for Thai food but I just couldn't go with my peanut/shellfish allergies.. too dangerous. Glad I had fun anyway though."
My trunk meanwhile is PACKED with pillows and bedding.. . Nowhere to put them til the bed arrives, so I'll check all that out tomorrow.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
So pleased that you seem to be doing well. And its wonderfull you are doing up your own space , its so important. I went out after W left and spent $200 on new beige sheets and a dark brown bed cover and W went ape about it , but they are still there :). I have to be carefull in that this is as much W's home as mine but there is a big aluminium Hemi V8 Piston and conrod that I won for something in the lounge now on display , I have stopped short of hanging a confederate flag like my oldest boy suggested , ha ha . I know you will understand.
