"No, that doesn't work for me. You can get them at 4:30 on Friday."
You brought it up because you are still trying to fix that M. You didn't get the reaction you wanted, so now you are chasing another way to try to fix the M (the DB coach.)
As always, OT, you put clarity into this whole thing. At one point you asked if I enjoyed the crisis...after reading what I wrote, I wonder if I am...
It really shouldn't have had any of that emotionality in it at all.
He called tonight because he was working overtime, and couldn't be on time to pick up the kids for their Fri night dinner. I offered him the morning, knowing he would probably be tired. He said thanks, but wanted them tonight--had laundry and stuff tomorrow he didn't want to drag them through.
I agreed to it, and told the kids they could stay out late if Dad wanted--no plans set for the morning. I also said that my email was harsher than I intended. If he wanted, he could pick the kids up Fri afternoon and drop them home mid-Saturday. He said that everyone goes home by Fri morning; he didn't want to take away my time with the kids, and really thought they would have more fun at his brother's. But he didn't push, just said to think about it and let him know.
The kids are going to be with me for Thanksgiving.
The DB coach really didn't tell me anything I really didn't know. Just threw good $$ after bad. She was very good, but it was everything that I have learned here, reading the books, and going to IC. So, it wasn't magic or any new insights. Just another chance to turn the stone over again in my hand.
Watching Rocky II when she is in the hospital in a coma and he is depressed, refusing to train or leave her side...
I'm not crying, or even sad about it--just feel like I will have that in my life again someday. Someone who loves me like that...like I know that I am capable of loving back that completely and deeply.
Kids are out with their Dad; D just called to say that they would be out a little longer so they can stop and get icecream. I am happy that they have a father who loves him as much as he does.
Oh, thank God, I thought I was loosing it (again!).
Nikki emailed me to check in--I have no idea what went on....
Oh, wait...didn't I say something about the DB coach...? Maybe that had to be edited...
Anyway, things are pretty smooth. Today.
To recap: We had the family C session on Tues. Son told the C that he felt like a pigeon sucked into the engine of a jet plane--just trying to live life, and getting ripped to shreds with no control over it. Then backpeddled; said Not like the pigeopn was commiting suicide or anything...The C called me yesterday, saying it was imperative that I speak with her. I met her when I went to my IC appt. Kids' C is very concerned about S, says he is crashing, wants him evaluated by the pediatrition and a psych for possible depression. Said he was slick to "cover" himself so the adults wouldn't worry--she says those are the ones we have to watch very closely, get as many professionals involved as possible.
So, met with his Science teacher yesterday (H was there, too--not much said between the two of us. He seemed pissed about something and I pretty much ignored him). I went this morning to meet with Math and Reading. Gave them the heads-up to listen and watch very carefully, got info on how to help him with his grades. He got 3 D's and a C+, when his standardized scores show he is well-above grade level in capability. All stress, forgetting assignments, not doing HW, etc. Set up a plan between all the teachers, what to do at home, and what H can do to help.
Mother Bear anger is starting to come up, though. Seems that I couldn't get in touch with the anger before I really let go and gave up trying. I am angry at what he has put us all through. That my son feels that way. (D is affected but differently--she is still young enough to live in the concrete world of today only--no focus or even real concept of the future).
Going back to the family C session, H cried through almost the whole thing (I rarely looked over at him, but tears were streaming). I think that he is crying for himself, again, like at bff's mom's funeral... C asked us to write down one wish that we had for right now: S--more time with his dad, being a family me--that our family was whole again H--more time with the kids
So, no new news there. I had tears coming down for almost 2 hours after the meeting...then went to AlAnon meeting. That went VERY well--gratitude list, etc...
Looking forward to meeting up with some new friends this weekend. The MET for the Rembrandt show on Sat, then brunch and BMX ride on Sun with a guy who I talked to for about 4 hours after my AlAnon meeting Tues!!
He emailed me again tonight and was very sweet, polite...I have just been lonely, even with all of the friends and family that I have. My self-esteem took such a shot; its nice to have someone tell you that you are beautiful. Not sure how long its been since I got that when I didn't ask (does this look ok? Usual answer--you don't /that doesn't look too bad...blech).
**** Today--up and off to conferences and then school. Good but frantic day. Bus duty in the rain with no umbrella :0( Home to an arguement with S who was supposed to write a page in his journal for Reading (he had 4 hours to do it). I sent him to his room, grounded. After 1/2 hour, he came out and threw the book at my feet, went to storm off. He11, no. Back here, pick it up...talked to him...went through the whole--You don't have to like me when I tell you to do something, but you WILL do it, especially as I am trying to help you! Had a good talk, he even got some of his anger out. I told him it was OK for him to get angry with me--I'm pretty big, I can take it. But he still has to do what I say, even if he is angry. I will still love him even when he hates me, etc. It was most important that he get the anger out so he doesn't get a stomach or head ache. He seemed to soak that all in.
H had left a nasty phone message about a medical bill (I am working with his union to get it paid). Demanded ALL of the mail that was in his name for the last 6 months, etc.... I calmly emailed him back and told him how the issue was being handled; I wasn't holding his mail. He was much nicer in his response, said thanks for taking care of it, thanked me for talking to the other teachers this morning, etc.
At the end, he wrote: Be careful this weekend (I know that bff told him that I am going out on a date). I keep getting that song in my head from the Jefferson's tv show..."Movin' on Up."
My fortune cookie today--no, I am NOT making this up!!
"The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go."
On the back was the Chinese words for "Good weather."
I have not had much faith in a Higher Power for much of my life....but this stuff is starting to get more than coincidental!! btw--the 2 teachers I spoke with this morning about my S? Both went through D; one because of her x's affair... just seems like these strong women keep getting placed in my path on an almost daily basis, now. In my "former life," I hardly knew anyone who was divorced, for any reason.
Geez Donna, that is intense session. Why does your H have to even be there? My D6's TH said that my H could go to one session one his own with D6 ponly after ten sessions with just us. It would not be as safe if H was there since he is the one who is basically causing the abandonement issues, so why is your H still welcome?? That does not make sense to me. Is H just being punished? H is not going to change or learn from his mistakes. That just irks me. Your poor son. He needs to get the message that Mom is in control and Mom will start new family traditions sans H!!! My heart really breaks for him. On Oprah, the Kennedy Moms said the greatest gift we can give our children is to show them how Mothers have a love for life. It's true. More important than hygeine or manners I think.
I also had some weird feng shui wealth come into my life after rearranging my bedroom and closet. I met two women in our neighborhood cafe who were both divorced and happily remarried. How does that even come up in convo because I hide it in public? It is like I have a red D mark on my head because these two women inspired me that I can be happy with someone else someday. That is nice because they were both older. It is like Reece Witherspoon said when she had her panic attacka bout feelinghumiliated because her H cheated on her so publically and they had kids. She looked out at all the cars in the lot and did the math. 40% have been through a divorce in their family and maybe 50% have been through and affair in their families. So she knew she was not a freak.
Again, I am so sorry about your son but he needs to know that Daddy may not be coming back ever and if he does he is not responsible either way. He is not alone so maybe he needs group therapy with other kids. I am no expert. I just have a friend who is a divorce counselor for kids in Kids Turn.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Can only post quickly--yes, S does go to a group at school on Wed with the guidance C. I don't think it was bad that H was there; he does need to hear what is really going on with the kids, since it is another area of denial for him. However, it will not be every time--she wants to see S alone so he is not as guarded. She did explain to both that the kids have their right to privacy, which she cannot break.
S knows that he isn't responsible--he is suffering the same loss-of-control feeling as I have had! It is scary to see how pervasive the ACOA disease is--the alcoholism reached right through 2 generations to affect him. I am very glad that he is going to be dealing with it sooner rather than later.
His father is still involved with the kids to a heavy extent, and I am glad for it. They will have to work out how to manage the logistics of this new dynamic, so its not a bad thing for H & S to have some sessions. I hope that S is able to get that anger out
D had more of the abandonment issues, but she is still so concrete--lots of reassurance during her acting out, and she doesn't seem so scared anymore (We'll see if that lasts).
