Thanks all, for taking the time to read and respond, even you Steph. I don't only want to hear from people who completely agree with me--constructive criticism is how you grow.
I did make a unilateral decision about this holiday. I felt like I needed to show him that he can't have everything all neat and pretty with the choices he has made, affecting all of us. Yep, I should have used the 48 hour rule. I would have cut the whole first paragraph out, and most of the rest, and kept it to kids and business.
In the past, I have done all that I can to accomodate him and the kids' best interests, even when it hurt (example: he wanted to switch weekends so he could take the OW to the ball game to sit in the seat he had originally bought for me, and the weekend getaway that we had planned--I switched with him).
The kids won't be miserable--it will just be different. I will make the day special in new ways for them. We talked about taking all of the kids out to the movies after dinner. I was not trying to punish H, so much as letting him experience the natural consequences of D--we won't all be together all the time like we used to. I know that my opening lines didn't show that--I could have done a much better job, and I will make sure to tell him during FC on Tues that I would have liked to have the kids go to his brother's for the holiday, but I can't this year, for me. Yes, this is selfish--it is a 180 for me.
When I spoke to my S, I actually started thinking about other options...I am considering letting H pick up the kids and keep them overnight Fri into Saturday, so they get to have it both ways. Again, something I will bring up Tues in person.
It does have to be all about the kids. But we are also setting up new precedents here, new ways of interacting. And I had turned into Desperate Donna (which is repugnant, even to me). I will be careful not to let it swing too far the other way, either. Just looking for equilibrium again.
I have got to say SO much less when I email him. That first part was all about the negative side of me, the past hurts that neither of us can go back and change, so why bring it up? It would have been so much better to start off with a positive, thank him for asking, but politely decline. I will be much more careful. I have just been taking and buying into how much this was "all my fault," that I rebelled against it all. Not productive.
