Wow, just catching up on your thread---there's a lot going on.
First off, good for you for putting your foot down re H taking S out with OW. That's absolutely not cool, not the best for your S. Good that he saw it that way as well.
Regarding introducing S to OW eventually: My H and I have been going back and forth on this. Our sitch is different in that OW is actually a COW (coveted other woman)---there's no R there according to H (which I believe). Regardless, H's stance was that there's no harm hanging out with the kids and anyone's he's dating, as long as they don't see him being affectionate with that person. I disagreed.
Finally we agreed to talk together with a child psychologist specializing in D. She reinforced two things: 1) the kid(s) need to get settled into the new reality. That means when H moves out, there will be an adjustment period, fraught with anxiety and lots of questions. *No one* should be introduced to them during this period. You guys aren't even there yet, so there's a good period of time when H shouldn't be introducing anyone to your S. 2) After the kid(s) have started to settle down---and she said you know your kid(s), you'll know when this happens---that is the time to introduce a *SO* to them, not a date, not a potential partner, but a SO. Your H would probably say OW is that.
Now, regarding the way you shared your feelings with H. There's still waaaaay too much stuff in there about H---"I know you've been forgetful," "you are still trying to justify your actions and behavior to your son," "Exposing him to a "relationship" that was based off of lies and deceit..."
I would've said something like this (on my very best day): I don't think it's a good idea to hang out with S and OW. It would only cause him confusion right now. Our sitch isn't settled yet, and until it is, please refrain from introducing him to anyone."
Nothing in there about H, his maturity, his intentions, what he may be thinking.
Like you said: this is about your S. Period. No reason to bring any R comments in there at all.
And again:
Originally Posted By: Pudmuddle snafu
"see how the little things affect him?'
How about: "S was upset because he heard you say you didn't know where I was." Or nothing (given H already realized S was upset). pm, I tried early on to get H to see what he was doing (or going to do) to the kids. I believed he was a reasonable person and a caring parent, and honestly, could not stop myself from pointing out the damage his decision would cause our children. When I said it ("I can't believe you're doing this to them") he seemed to really take it in, and to feel sad/guilty about it. But later, much later, he mentioned it, and not in a good way. It was pure guilt-induction, and that just doesn't work. Do your best to avoid it.
Your decision to tell your S when you'll be gone, where you'll be (vaguely), and when you'll be back is an excellent idea.
Regarding watching them ride their bikes, I don't know. Do you *really* want only to watch S ride? Of course you're aware of the possible benefit of spending good time with H, but what's your real motivation there? A 180? Show you're interested again?
If you can do that *without* talking to H, especially the way you have been lately, I say go for it. Get him used to you feeling happy and confident and detached, not bringing up any R talk. If you'll be watching him to see if you're scoring points, I'd forget it.
