Still trying - Not very well

[limbo]

Thanks HB! You certainly can keep me on track!!

I do need to live in the present! But its so hard! I don't so much live in the past but the future..thats what I find scary! But I am trying!
We have our last post session on Saturday...we do plan to attend the core sessions, so we aren't planning on stopping with it yet, which is good!
And of course HB is will most certainly prop you up whenever you need it!
Its so nice to know I have such good freinds here!!

[cat03]

I know my H is here and working on us the best he can
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He could just be coasting along hoping some sort of "emotion" would come to him and enable him to change things, like my H.

Focus on whatever goodness is in your M now, on every bit last piece of it ok? fight your fear. He's actually trying, in his own way, at his pace, remember that, we all have a different internal clock. Stay strong, what's happened is gone, dont' let it ruin what you could be having now.

[limbo]

Thanks cat

I just am plain and simple not happy, and I wonder if I can truly ever be in this marriage again.
Maybe this is my problem, maybe this is just why I can't be happy with what I have, because what I have just isn't enough.
All the pain and hurt had just taken its toll, and its just to hard to get past that.
This last thing with my H has just hurt my soul, there is no other way that I can say it...why is this different then before, because of the depth of emotion he spewed, and I saw it...it just hurt me to my core.
How can someone who says that they love me, do that...I would never do that.
And I think that I just have been damaged to much...and with my H I can't repair it. My drive to do so just seems to be going, and just a feeling of I can't do it.
I am tired of pretending that none of this happened, that I am fine, and that I don't hurt, because of worrying what it will do to him.
Of allowing him to not to have to be accountable, because of fear it will drive him away.
I am tired of it being him all the time, why can't he worry about me for a change, of our kids.
He is an adult man for godness sakes! its about time he started to act like one!

[cat03]

How can someone who says that they love me, do that...I would never do that.
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honey, I know, I've asked myself so many times the same question..then I looked back at what I did to contribute to the fall of my M. I'm not putting blame in you, but in our pain we forget the big picture, how it all came to be, it wasn't a honeymoon at home when the As happened right? My H betrayed me with an op, but in my way I betrayed my H in many other ways.

No one said you had to pretend nothing happened, it is sad but our Hs are not ready to face our hurts and capable to see the damage they've created in our hearts. Will they ever be ready? maybe, dont' know.. but I won't hold my pain until my H is able to do so, he is a broken confused soul and I have put my pain on the Lord's hands.

and just a feeling of I can't do it
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Remember, dont' think with your emotions. Make a decision, just like I expect my H to decide to fix our M instead of waiting for an "emotion" to tell him to do it.
Grieve, yes, you are in all your right, he's hurt you, you have that right. But don't let unforgiveness be the reason you aren't willing to stay in the M. He's going to C, went to Retr., he isnt' refusing to work on you guys.

Is there a way you can time some off to be alone? You need sometime to think. Personally, you sound depressed hon.

[limbo]

You know Cat you might be right! And in the process I will destroy marriage, I am going to make an appt with someone.

I have taken responsibility for how my marriage broke down, and maybe this is how I could get beyond the PA he had, I don't even think about that now...and since then I believe I have worked on changing how I was, and I was doing really well, and still am, but now seem to struggle with my own demons.
However when my H had is EA with his old flame, we had gone to retro, we were supposedly back on track, he had told me how he couldn't live with out me, loved me, was feeling happy with how things were.
Then turns around and tells EA that they are soul mates and wishes her child was his! It had hurt me, I am mourning, I mourn for my children...how could he throw them aside so easily negate there importance for something he imagines, how would they feel if they found out he had said this...so yes I mourn, and yes maybe this time it is going to take more time to forgive.

I am not mad at you Cat, just at him..I just want to yell and scream at him, but I wount, I will keep my mouth shut again, so that he can feel better.

[cat03]

we were supposedly back on track
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as my sig. says, I am dealing with the aftermath of a second bomb. After H came back last yr we did MC and he told me (eventually) he loved me and made me believe all was well, then..KABUM! find out he was having a PA with the op from before. I know how you feel, angry and hurting for being betrayed when you truly were making (or thought) progress and trying your best-- it is a slap on the face.

What my H did and what your H said to that old classmate has only one explanation: IDIOCY. Not true love, not the product of well thought out plans, just plain idiocy to make your W believe you were working an extra day when in reality you were having a ball with another woman, when you go with your wife to a M building place and make someone else believe you are prince charming.

What were you thinking? I asked my H, "I dont' know, I dont' feel right" that was the explanation I got, I dont' think you got a better explanation from your H either.

When you go to the sessions, does the EA come up at all? I dont' think you have to bottle it up, at some point, with hopefully a C or a 3rd party present, you tell your H how it has hurt and how you need his reassurance. We talked about this with my H during C on monday, still, my H is ambivalent about acknowlodging he brought on the hurt thus he should be the one who should help me heal. I have yet to see the day in which he'd put an arm around me and said "sorry I hurt you". I feel sorry for him, pity his lack of soul, really.

I thank daily that I have a God that feels my every pain and who counts my every tear, I pray that my H finds his heart again and eventually, even if he doesnt tell me, he truly feels sorrowful for hurting me.

Hopelessness is a sign of depression, take care of yourself hon)))))))

[limbo]

Thanks Cat!

I don't feel hopeless yet, just...hurt I guess, more then ever before in my life...I know I have to come to terms with this.
We have talked some about this, however he doesn't have really a good explaination either...and I guess this is cause of frustration for me too!
I guess because I feel, what will stop it from happening again, sure its nice to get attention from the opposite sex, it makes us feel better, but for most of that its only that, and we move on and not give it a second thought, but what happens if someone else bats there eye lids at him.
I worry about this, as I know we all do, I guess I just don't want to fall back and believe we are going to be ok, and then bang something else happens.
Because I know for me that will be it!

Enough of my ranting!!! I promise I am going to get a sunnier out look if it kills me!!!!

[LoginName]

Hey, I'm going to throw in a few thoughts. If they pertain, great,and I hope they are useful. If they don't, oh well :-)

How could your H do the EA with old flame? Doesn't it make sense he would wish for a perfect, happy life? It's stupid and childish, but understandable in a way. And you're still in the same place you were after the first A. The OP still doesn't matter.

How can you deal with your pain? Will he ever help you with your pain? I think, maybe, the key is that it is your pain, and you need to figure out how to deal with it on your own. He can't really help you anyway. What could he possibly say or do to make up for what he did?

You feel helpless, hopeless, hurt? You can control your emotions, at least to an extent. Change your veiw point,change your emotions, change how you feel about all of this. I was told this by toughlover. I've seen it work in my sitch. It's d@mn hard, but do-able.

Here is how I do it, and I think everyone has their own way. I asked myself "what do I want, what do I really want"? Does feeling angry help me get that? Does feeling hurt? No? than stop. Am I doing this (whatever this is, standing for my M, not worrying about OP, going to MC, whatever) because I have chosen to do it? Yes? Then stop complaining, you chose it. I don't have to do this, I can do something else. Back to question 1, what do I want?

The last week in OCT, I almost asked for a D. I'd had enough. I wanted to move on. I took a long walk and thought about what I really want. Can I stand the pain? I decided (and it really doesnt' matter, IMHO, if I chose D or not) that it really didn't hurt so much, that I could wait awhile longer, that I was generally happy with my life (kids, job, myself!). I didnt' need to date. What was it really hurting me to wait? It's awfully hard, but for me, thinking like this eased the pain and made it possible to wait.

The next week, my W called and said she had found her love for me, she "felt" it again, and wanted to be with me. She said ILY, not ILY but, but just ILY. I'm glad I waited.

I've still got lots of work to do, and I'm still using the same questions to myself to get by.

Good luck Limbo. Feel the pain when you need to. Own your pain. It's part of this wonderful, mysterious trip we are on. It can't kill you, or stop you, unless you let it.

P.S. I finally got an I'm sorry from my W. It really didn't help much. Maybe over time. Maybe it doesn't matter. I told her our M was like New Orleans, it got hit by a hurricane. It's nobody's fault, it just happened. Now we have a choice to rebuild, on higher ground if possible,with a better foundation.

[limbo]

Thanks LN what you say doesn make sense! And its very helpful.

I really need to stop my pity party!

My H and I dialogued last night about creating initmacy, but not sexual, at retro they seperate the 2...So H realizes that he needs alot of work in this department, and I do also, I realize that being sad and unhappy that it can destroy any intimacy, he thought I don't need to do much.
But I was able to tell him how I feel, and I had a really good cry infront of him...just couldn't help it! And I do feel alittle better, but the one thing that struck me was that he never said sorry. He did hold me and tell me he loves me.
So today I am going to start fresh with myself, and make some choice for myself, and work harder to get myself in a better place.

[Heartbroken]

LN,

Thanks so much for being so wise and stating the things you do to Limbo - they help me as well too.

Not sure if I am any better off than Limbo - due to my H just NOT feeling the love or commitment to me...no feelings there. I have tried to explain Love is a Choice but I think he's just waiting for the switch to be flipped on and the feelings to just 'be there'... not sure if we can make it with this attitude. It's like he is trying but he's really not???!!! We are going to our post session #2 this Sunday - I will continue to keep trying but I feel I am detaching somewhat b/c my heart just cannot handle any more breaking....

You help me see things from his POV - thanks!!

HB