So much for piecing...

[Livin4ME]

So H left again last night. He moved back in just over a week ago. He said he decided to leave again 3 days ago.
We got into some discussions over the OW while he was here. I thought we handled them fairly well. I would ask the questions as long as he was cool with them, if he said stop. I would. We had one argument about it. But we calmed down and we laughed at the end. I thought we left it on good terms. He said that was the night he decided he was done.
I was reading the After the Affair book, got another book on how to help the relationship by Dr. Phil.
I gave him a second chance by letting him come back home to work on things. He can't do the same. It's over. It's done. He's filing. Last night when he came to get his stuff, he said some nasty things. Said he's already got an appt with a lawyer. I honestly don't think I want him anymore.
When he came back home, he came into it, not with the attitude of a second chance of working on us. But with the second chance to prove me wrong. We didn't fight about anything that we used to. It was always talks about HER. I realized it wasn't helping anything and I asked him if he was still interested in counseling. He said no, 2 days later, he dropped the bomb.
One of our old problems was me having a problem with him going out all the time. I would bitch, throw fits, cry, all that stuff. So the first time he went out after he moved back home, I did nothing of that stuff. When he got home, he woke me up and I asked if he had fun, then went back to sleep. He later said that I had the attitude of I don't give a f. So I asked him how he would like me to respond when he does go out, nag and bitch or do what I did, let him go, do my own thing and ask how his night was. He said he didn't know. I told him that if he wanted me to fix certain things, he would have to tell me there was something wrong and how he would like me to handle them.
I asked him a couple times throughout the week of him being home if he was happy how things were going or if there were things he wanted to work on. Nope, he was happy. Nothing needed to change.
Last night he said we would always fight. Nothing was going to change. The only thing was 'how I reacted' and he said it mockingly.
I honestly think he went back to her. I asked him last night and he looked me straight in the eye and said no. That used to be one of his tells when he was lying. He made it a point to look me straight in the eye. I know they were still in contact while he was here. I snooped once and found a text. I posted about it on the extramartial affairs thread. The next time I felt like snooping, I told him about it and that was that. I didn't do it. Last night, he told me, thanks, haha.
I back slided and tried begging him for a 2nd chance last night. I told him, I gave him one, he should do the same. All he could say was, 'Thanks. but no.'
So after he left. I cried and did my thing. Then I woke up this morning and said, I know what I have to do. I will be ok. Made some phone calls for drs appts. I will be losing my health insurance when it's final. Also, I have an appt for a seminar that's held by a law firm that only handles women to get info.
I did tell him that I personally do not believe in divorce, so I will not be filing. He said, it's ok. He already was going to do it. He just wanted to meet with the lawyer first.

Me 28
H 28
S 2.5yr
D 5.5 months
1st bomb 8/07
Moved back home 10/07
2nd bomb 11/07

[cat03]

oh honey, i'm so sorry))))))))))))) I got my second bomb too and like your H, my H didnt' put it his all to fix the M so it was easy for him to stray again. I do hope you are not blaming yourself for ANYthing, it seems you tried so hard to fix the M.
You are right, he came to "see" if he was right by leaving the first time and give him an excuse to run off on his family, he did not put his heart into working on your R.

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He said he didn't know
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BTDT, I understand, it's one of those sitches in which you are damned if you do damned if you don't.

My prayers your way honey)))) stay strong and hope you get good help at the seminar)))))))))))

[Livin4ME]

thank you Cat.
I've been doing some thinking about all of this. When I found out about the OW, I left for a week. I didn't tell him I was leaving and I just left. He got scared and came home the night I left. He told me all kinds of stuff that night through texting. All kinds of stuff to get me to come home. I refused. He told me he ended it with the OW that day and was coming over that night to talk to me about coming home when he realized I was gone. Looking back now, I realize, I made him come home. And I made him do it too soon. He wasn't ready. And I knew this the whole time he was here. That's why I couldn't get over her is because I knew he still wanted to be with her. He thought she could do no wrong. She was perfect.
So he didn't come home to start new. He came home because he was scared for the first time of not having his cake and eating it too. I had his kids and he was scared.
He was just looking for an excuse to leave again and I gave it to him. I understand that now. I really do. I pushed him yet again, just in a different way.
I'm thinking of going away again. But this time it's different. I have no family and friends here where we live. Just his family and friends. And they've all been great through all this for me. But I need to be around my family. Especially during the holidays. He's told me he knows I'm going back to where I used to live. He knows when it's final, I'll be going there to live with my kids. I'm not making any rash decisions about it. I have appts with drs first and I want to go to my divorce seminar first. And I know I'll come back because this is my home right now. But I need to be with my family. All my stuff is here, so I'll have to come back and get it all later. I'll tell him when I'm leaving so he can say good bye to the kids. And I'll tell him where I'll be. But I can't give a time when I'll be back because I honestly don't know right now. I need my time and I need my family.
He'll probably stay at my house while I'm gone and I'm ok with that. He did it before when I went on vacations while we were seperated before.
I don't know why I'm posting all this, other than to just write it down and try to make sense of it. Hopefully, if anyone has any advice, they'll post it.
Thanks

[kml]

FWIW -
I don't know all the legalities, but if you want to go out of state, maybe you should go now before he files? It's my understanding that once the legal proceedings start, he can make you stay in the state - at least, that's true in many parts of the country. If you really want to go be with family maybe you need to take a "vacation" and not come back? Get some legal advice on this. Also - if you want to move to another state, which state has better divorce laws for you? How long would you need to be in the other state before you could file there? These are all practical things you need to find out.

BTW - I fully expect that if you packed up the kids and left, your H would likely come to his senses eventually. Don't take my emphasis on practicalities to mean I don't think there's hope - just don't want to see you get stuck.

Ellie

[Livin4ME]

thanks Ellie, I appreciate your imput on everything. Yeah, I'm going to a divorce seminar next week. I've already got a list started of all the questions I need answers for. Your's are definitely on my list!!!
He's already told me that I can leave with the kids to visit my family. But I will also have it in writing before I leave. He's made threats before. When I left for a week, he said he called the police and reported our van stolen (it's only in his name) and that they issued an amber alert because I didn't contact him. He, of course, was bluffing. I told him the state police wanted to know what county the alert was issued in and he flipped out because I called them.
He came to his senses when I was gone a week before. But I wasn't gone long enough. He probably will do it again but I honestly don't know if he'll mean it then either.