longer reply for you now \:\)

I understand you've tried various things. for a VERY long time now.

the trouble is, that trying the wrong thing, the wrong way, for 20 years, isnt any more effective than trying it for 20 minutes.
Even trying the "right" thing, but in the wrong way, for 20 years, has no better effect.

So... I'm trying to talk you through exploring, if there are better ways to do even things you have tried before.

Quote:

Dom, I have talked, I've complained, I've cried, joked, teased, bargined, I've done everything in everyway I know how to do to get him to talk to me. There isn't any point in this.....he is not going to talk to me wheather it is b/c he doesn't know what to say or wheather he just doesn't want to talk.


Whole bunch of things that can be said about just these few sentances.

The up front thing, i guess, should be that "not wanting to talk", is not the same thing as "not wanting to talk to YOU".

not wanting to talk TO YOU, is indicative of an unresolved problem between you two.
Whereas "not wanting to talk"... could be just the way he is. and there's pretty much nothing you can do about that, that I'm aware of. you cant turn a non-talker, into a talker. no matter how much you cry, plead or beg.

If you have a need to talk a certain amount of hours a day, to feel socially connected.. (I hear that women get that way ;\) ).. then... you need to find your own social connections, to chat and meet that need within you. It is unfair to make your husband shoulder your own need for that. It's not like sex, where if one person is HD, and one person is LD, the LD person can "do stuff", even if they are not sexually aroused.

in that area, even if they are not aroused, they can choose to
to "support your spouse" in that area. It's not one of a "choice to be aroused". it's a choice to meet your spouse's sexual needs.


Being able to carry a conversation, is a skill, and a talent. It's not a choice.
What CAN be a choice, is a willingness to follow along in a conversation, if your spouse (in this case, YOU) wants to drive it.

Even in that case though.. I dont think it's fair for you to expect him to sit there while you attempt to talk his ear off for 4 hours (hypothetically speaking). [just as it isnt appropriate for an HD person to expect an LD person to keep them revved for 4 hours, if the LD person doesnt have the stamina for it].
I think it's important to work out some kind of reasonable understanding within yourself, of what to expect he is capable of.

I think that it is ALSO important for you to look a bit more at things that can be holding him back.
You dismissed the idea of, "he doesnt want to miss anything that he's watching".

Look at it this way. He's not a sports nut. but it's well known that sports-nut husbands, get really peeved, when their wives attempt to engage them in conversation during a game.
His silly sitcoms, could be like his "sports".
Rather than making assumptions and dismissing the idea... how about you talk to him about that, and ask him if it would make him more comfortable talking to you in the evenings, if he could pause those things, by getting a tivo?

Also, more talk "with" him, asking him about what kinds of situations & areas make him feel more comfy just chatting with you in a relaxed way, might help.

Some women need to "set the mood" for sex.
Some men need to "set the mood" for talk. Funny, that \:D


Now, for what HE, can do for YOU :-)
It's definately time for him to start dressing better at home.

You've had a really nice rediscovered "honeymoon" period, I think. but now the shine is beginning to wear off.
Before it dims completely... I think that now is the time to approach him about fixing this ugly behaviour for you.
While you both still have recent positive memories and motivations to push for this stuff.

Something perhaps along the lines of,
"honey, I've really enjoyed our more positive times together these past few weeks. I'd like to continue having them. Something is getting in the way of me continuing to enjoy them, though. I cant respect you, while you are laying around the house in your underwear.
I know that you like to be comfortable... maybe theres some kind of clothes you could wear instead, that would make you also feel comfortable. sweatpants and a T-shirt maybe?
Just.. no more underwear. OK?


Last edited by Dom R; 11/08/07 10:27 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D.
Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M.
3 wonderful sons caught in the middle