Since you did the Retro thing - I am concerned about how they say we are rebuilding the M from the foundation and upwards...and two of the three items are love and commitment - two things my H says he does not feel. Are we doomed to fail? I feel he is being very negative about fixing us and have stated such - he agreed to try and be more positive. Can Retro work if he feels nothing for me??? One of my major fears!!!
It's like he expects the love feelings to just turn on or something how do I get the point across that love developes. I said to him when we met you did not love me instantly and he said yes to this but now he know all my baggage...(like he does not have any...) How do I respond to this? He is over analyzing our R and trying to force and answer for himself and I feel this is so counter productive...
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
Saffie did not go to Retrouvaille, I did. You are exactly right. The Retrouvaille weekend discusses that love is a decision. They build on that statement more in the Post sessions. Emotions are fleeting feelings. You cannot build a family or a marriage on a fleeting feeling that could disappear at any point. That fleeting emotion that he is looking for can and will return when he makes the decision to love and sticks to it. Just as one must decide to love, so must one also decide to be committed and to trust and forgive. This is not easy. But it really makes sense. In fact this is the stumbling block for most couples. It took us several weeks to work through the withholding of forgiveness on both of our parts.
If you think of love, commitment, trust and forgiveness as four posts that hold up the roof of the relationship, then if one post is missing, the roof will fall. I wanted to hold off on forgiveness and trust until I saw my husband's love and commitment. But when I understood the concept of the building, working from the foundation up, with four equal supports, then I knew that I could not withhold forgiveness and trust, or the marriage would crumble. You are in the same dilemma. He must make the decision to love and the decision to commit, or he is not putting forth the necessary effort.
Talk to at least one of your Retrouvaille presenting couples or the post session leaders. Ask them to speak to your husband, either separately or with you present. He must understand the concept. You are right. Going through the motions is not enough. He has to really throw himself into this and make the necessary decisions. It takes faith in the both of you. But that is what you said when you got married all those years ago.
Thanks Sara - you and Saffie always seem to be together so I must have mixed ya up!! LOL!
He just says he has no feelings and he does not want to lie about it to me or fake it- we may be going to MC too - this is hard b/c there are many more bad C out there than good ones. I thought about contacting our CORE team (it's at our church) to get some recommendations though H really will not be up for anything religious based...we Catholics are good in the guilt dept. and he knows this!
Thanks for your help - I will talk to a presenter couple on Sunday!
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
