Why can't I do this....

[houndfan]

I understand that there are 2 choices to make, but they are both so hard to understand and realize.

Yesterday was very interesting with DW and again it has me thinking that there is a possibility if I continue to work on me and my own happiness.

Long story short, and I would appreciate some feedback. She told me yesterday am about her plans with the OM and dating and moving on with her life. She was absolute that I was not a part of her vision. After the convo she called me at work very mad at me and told me that I am not allowed to inquire about her personal life and that what she does away from the kids is her biz.

Fastforward to the afternoon and she calls because she has to work last night and wants to make sure that I can help with a sitter and have the kids w me for the evening. I explain that I could do both and she got mad because she feels that I should not have to help her out.

Well, I pick up the kids and take them back to the house and watch a movie with them. It was too hard for me to be in the house that I have shared with her all these years and see my kids. I was suppose to stay and sleep on the couch, but I decided it best to take the kids back to where I had been staying for the night and have them with me. Left a note for DW that I had done so and that I would make sure that they get off to school etc.

Well, she called me on her way home from her party and told me that the money I had given her in the morning for gas was not enough to get her home and that since our acct was overdrawn due to the financial stress of the seperation she may not make it home. We discuss this for a while and I think that she was blaming me, without saying it. Anyhow, she was able to stop and get some fuel.

Then she calls later to tell me that she had been pulled over for speeding but got only a warning and told me that her life is out of control. She is a magnate for toxic people and she just needs to rid her life of them. I ask whom, of course I was #1 on the list, so was OM, her best friend, her parents, etc. I was really struggling with the comments but know that I am doing what I can to support her whist still DB'ing to the best of my ability.

Well, she gets home and is super PO'd because the dog pooped in our/her room and she called me screaming that I wonder why I am single, if I could just do things right I would not be. She tells me that she is so over everything and that it was so irresponsible of me to take the kids without discussing with her. That I had committed that I would sleep on the couch and keep the kids home. That I was a POS. I told her that I was sorry that she was so upset and that I would be better at communicating my needs in the future.

This morning I stop in to get little one ready for Pre-k and she comes to the door, she had been crying as I could see the tear marks on her face and her eyes were just so sad. She was standing next to me in an odd sort of way, so I opened my arms and she stepped in for a hug. I held her for a few moments and then she backed away. I went into the kitchen ot make some coffee so I could get my day started and could tell that she was really depressed. She asked if I would rub her shoulders, which I did for a few moments and then stopped. We did not really talk about anything. I got a call a few minutes later for some work stuff and basically did not speak to her until....

About an hour ago I got a call from her telling me that her car was acting up again and that it was time to get a new car. She told me that since she is just getting started withher business that she would do what she could to make the payment until she was on her feet. Once she was, she would take my name off of the car. I tried to ask her for some time to process this and see what I could do with my job to make this happen. As I had mentioned to her that we have not seen too much income from her job she lost it and accused me again of trying to manipulate the situation. She was so angry screaming at me, I could not honestly understand what she was saying to me. I kept trying to interject that I would do what I can to get a new vehicle for my family she would hear none of it.

These situations are so hard to deal with, as much as I would like to do LRT I can not because the financial dynamic creeps through the convos. I can imagine leaving her or the boys to struggle, yet I wonder again why she should expect the benefits of a marriage while she so openly wants to leave it and pursue other relationships. She keeps telling me that after all she has given to the family as a stay at home mom and for me tricking her to get pregnant and all the shady things that I have done over the years that I need to suck it up at this point and do what needs to be done to care for her.

So, I thought that we might be making some progress, but we continue to slip by. I am doing my best to DB, but again keep getting roped into some of these convos that I can not really back out of...

I will remain committed to my wife and family and hopefully we will weather this storm and make it as a unit through the help of DB etc. I understand the commitment in time, but darn is it tough when faced with these continuous convos about how I should be more involved.....