our un-relationship

[Dom R]

Hey... dont knock yourself out over what happened. I think that, even though it was a horribly draining, TOUGH talk that you had with him... you came away with some very large, positive things:

1. He admitted that you "had a point" about his thing with JD.

2. he still REALLY wants to "be with you", even though he wont put certain labels on it.

3. He stopped claiming he "wasnt doing anything wrong", to the cheater's last resort reply of, "that's snooping!"

Which means... he knows he's doing something wrong, and is trying to turn things around on you, to get the focus off what HE is doing.

So. As far as I'm concerned, the subject is now dropped. I'm going to go back to "unconditional friend" with boundaries in place;

NOOO!!! that will cement the steup that you dont want!
You have a window of opportunity here!! Dont waste it!
In my experience, people who are on the fence, have rolling "windows of opportunity" to have R talk with them.
The "acceptible(to them)" frequency varies. for some people, it may be days. others, weeks. others, months.
When it comes up.. unless your spouse is on merely "days" between talks... you should make the most of it, in my opinion.
(until he indicates that he doesnt want to talk about it any more. then definately stop)

if you talk about it a little more, and he still doesnt move... THEN i think you should be firm about the boundaries.

Here's what I think you still have left to talk about:

It doesnt matter whether or not he knows what he himself "thinks marriage is".
It's more important, if he is willing to live with what YOU "think marriage is". Or at the very least, exclusive dating.

Which, I will assume, is something along the following lines:
- having a close, intimate relationship with you; Just like you've been having all this time!
- having sex, just like you previously have been having
- NOT dating other people
- NOT telling them he loves them, or even acting like it. no "miss you so much" garbage... If he "misses someone that much", that is a sign that he needs to stop seeing them completely.
- Meeting all his friends, and having him introduce you as,
at MINIMUM, "this is my girlfriend".
This last bit is key, because it shows both you, and them, that he isnt looking elsewhere.